No joy in step parenting anymore.
It's been a long time since I posted here but I am really at my wit's end. For some background, my partner and I had our first (and only) biological child together in January of 2021. I absolutely adore my boy and even though it is difficult especially now he is a toddler, I wouldn't change a thing.
If only that were 100% of the situation. My partner came with two autistic children, one girl (now 13) and one boy (10).
At first, even with its challenges, I found myself falling in love with the entire family but more recently, I just don't feel the same emotions for the step children. As they are getting older, I am finding more and more that their autism needs and just general teen/pre-pubescent behaviour is making me resent them. I know they are just kids and can't help it.
Furthermore, their biological father has always been a massive problem. Negligence notwithstanding, he recently had another child so between him and his partner they have 5 children. He already wasn't paying enough or spending enough time with the two he has (my stepchildren) and it's only getting worse, yet he is still held up as being a good father. We have to listen to stories about him sland their new blended family so often that we had to place a rule about the dinner table being our family's special time.
I find myself feeling genuinely frustrated at the sound of their voices sometimes. I feel ashamed of that because again, they are just kids. I guess I just feel sad that a lot of my time is being eaten up trying to raise them and I end up missing out on time with my biological son.
Their autism means that frankly, no matter how much help they are getting to understand basic life skills, they just will never get there. Where ever "there" is.
My son (21 months) is showing really strong cognitive abilities that way surpass where both my step children were at the same age and without exaggerating, he even manages to surpass the older siblings now through their mother's own admission.
I appreciate this all must sound so cold and heartless but I have provided them with a stable home, we're about to move from a three bedroom house to a four bedroom... I hate myself for saying this but I would just rather they weren't here sometimes. My partner and I seem genuinely happier when they go to their Dad's and we get a break. I'm open to any suggestions on how to rebuild some of that feeling I have lost because it is starting to manifest in our day to day life and I can't hide that resentment anymore.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.