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Nervous about DHs upcoming DNA test with SD

ShadowAthena's picture

I don't even know why I feel so nervous about this dna test. I'm buying the kit in a few weeks and it'll be used in a few months; we can afford it better in a few weeks and the kit lasts a year. 

What would happen if DH isn't the father? It would break his heart, and mine. He made child maintenance aware of his doubt the day he got put on the system for child maintenance, its been 2 years now. 

We just haven't been able to afford it until now, very low income. 

DH is on the birth certificate and has parental responsibility. That's why we're doing a private DNA test, £99 from alphabiolabs. 

We're both really worried about it, and I guess we both need to know what could happen if he's not the father, because that's the unknown for us. If he's the father then nothing will change, and BM won't be told. But if he's not the father, we know the first thing we need to do is tell BM. But then what? I've tried looking on the internet to provide answers but I've come up with nothing decent; all about what if a father denies paternity. 

I'd also like to know what you think based on what we know:

Conception date would have been April 3rd 2014 at the latest, DH didn't see BM until the 8th April 2014; they went camping together on the 8th, any other time they lived in different towns. A good 2 hours away. 

DH swears he wore protection, because he didn't want to have a child at 16. 

BM says she only missed one pill, I find this very unlikely. 

We also know that BM cheated on DH when they were together. We're not sure how long it went on for or anything. 

My theory is that DH went back to his home town, he lived in our town for a year then went back, BM started messing around with other guys because DH wasn't around. 

BM and I went to the same school, I was the year above and I heard rumours that she was messing about with other guys. DH was in my year and my close friend at the time, so I kept an ear out for anything that would hurt him. In the end I didn't have the heart to tell him, but another friend did and that's why he started having doubts. That and the reasons above. 

What do you think based on that info? Why are we both so nervous and how do we stop being so nervous? 

Please no nasty comments. I know this has taken a long time, but DH didn't really want to know because as far as he was concerned that was his little girl. 


Rags's picture

It is a nerve racking thing.  My BIL2 just started this journey himself.  His wife of just over two years has been cheating on him since before their wedding and he just picked up the paternity test kit to test his daughter who is 2yo.

He and the rest of the family are all scared to death of what the results might be.  He loves being a dad and if she is not his, he will be destroyed.  If she is his, he will have to maintain contact with his hopefully STBX whore of a wife.

There really is no good outcome in these situations. 

Being nervous makes perfect sense.

ShadowAthena's picture

I'm glad that feeling this way is normal. It's just how would I tell my daughter, she's 1, that the person she thought was her big sister actually isn't. And what about my SD. It will hurt her so much. God I worry so much about what the results will be because I know that it's all too possible SD isn't DHs daughter. He knows it too, that's why we're doing it now. But I just feel so nervous about it. 

Rags's picture

As a non breeding husband and StepDad, I do not place any mythical status or particular importants to genetics.  My DW had my SS-27 when she was 16.  She and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  In the SpermClan he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by three baby mamas.  He is our only.

I raised him as my own and adopted him at his request when he was 22yo.

Even if the paternity test indicates that your DH is not her BioDad, if he is on the birth certificate then he is her father.  How you address it with both the kids will in part be due to the result of the test and in part due to how you want the family to continue regardless of the outcome.

My DW called our SpermLand attorney when her brother called her with the news he was intending to divorce his adulterous wife.  The attorney indicated that in Oregon BIL2 is the father if he is on the birth certificate even if he is not the genetic father.... unless he chooses to petition to sever paternity in the event he is not the biodad.   It will be a while before the results of the test are returned from the lab.  We are advising him to pepare a strategy for either test outcome.  

In his case it will really come down to whether he wants to remain his daughter's father or avoid CS... if it turns out she is not his genetically.

It may differ in your location.

I hope you and DH get the result you are hoping for.  Regardless of the results, your DH has no duty to tell BM of the results either way.  If he wants to be dad, he can remain dad regardless.  TMI is a thing and loose lips sink ships and all.  If she cares enough to find out, she can do her own testing.  But.... she will need your DH to participate which gives him notable leverage. He can refuse her request and maintain that refusal until ordered otherwise by the court.


tog redux's picture

My guess is that if he isn't the father, and he tells BM, she will have the option to completely cut her out of his life (and he won't have to pay maintenance). So I'd decide before he takes that test what the plan will be. Because if he isn't prepared to lose the child, he should not do the test.

shamds's picture

Because he is on the birth cert so unless from the goodness of bio mum’s heart she accepts full responsibility and goes for the real bio dad (if it isn’t op partner) he can’t get off maintaining this child.

lets face it, plenty of cheating biomums want a free paycheck, they have no shame making a man who isn’t the bio dad that they lied and cheated on paying maintenance for a child they should not be responsible for. Women like this have no business breeding!!

ShadowAthena's picture

I read late last night that if my husband isn't the father he can apply to have SD birth certificate corrected. It'll cost about £90. And he may be entitled to a refund for some or all of the child maintenance he paid. He's only been paying since 2018 because BM kept saying she didn't want his money, then when he got a job suddenly money was super important. We didn't even know how much to pay because he gets paid weekly he had to send in 5 payslips, he'd been there 2 weeks so we had to wait for him to be there nearly 6 weeks to send anything off.

I feel like after talking about how I feel and after sleeping on it, I have two minds about this test. On one hand, I hope SD is DHs daughter, then nothing has to change and he can continue with court and everything. 

But on the other hand, I hope she's not. It's been two years of drama with BM. I know that's not SDs fault, but I just can't deal with BM anymore. She's forever wanting more money. And complains when child maintenance sets the amount to pay each week as she thinks it's too low, when that's all DH has in income. 

We're currently in an overpayment as well, so we're paying less to get the account back to even. 

BM expects us 3 to travel up to her every time DH wants to see his kid, and it's expensive for us, especially with our income. BM told me her worst monthly income is more than our best. Our best was about £1700 a month, her worst was £1900 a month. This was before the benefits changed. She can afford to live much better than we can, and she knows this. She just doesn't care.

I've been myself in a lot of debt so we  could go up there, because it's not just for DH anymore, it's for me and my daughter too. And soon it'll be for another baby, due November this year. 

I just don't think we can afford to keep doing this. BM had said we could take turns on who travels, then she basically said fuck off. 

So I'm of two minds. And it sucks. 

ShadowAthena's picture

I saw that it can be corrected and stuff like that. But DH can't change SD surname if he's not the father. That's down to BM after the correction. 

Tbh I think dna tests should be done at birth so this crap doesn't happen. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

so it could be different. Here in the US it actually depends on what state you live in and it differs from state to state. Sounds like your DH never married BM, which would mean at least here since he is on child maintenance that he acknowledged paternity, aka he signed a form saying he is the dad. Here at least, it is much harder if the two were not married and the child turns out not to be his biologically, because he acknowledged paternity, vs. assumed paternity which is what happens with a married couple. 

BM in my situation disestablished paternity for BM's oldest child when the child was 4, they were married however so he never acknowledged paternity it was just assumed. So bf does not have to pay anything for the child and has no rights to her. BM is supposed to change the birth certificate legally, but we know she has not and she probably will not change the child's last name because she hasn't changed her own and wants the same last name as her daughter she shares with bf. We hope she ends up getting flagged or something for not following through with the birth certificate, but who knows. We live in the state of VA and this was allowed, but in other states you have like 60 days to disestablish or you are on the hook for life or some it is up to 2 years, etc. It really just depends where you live. One thing that to my knowledge does not happen in the US, if paternity does get disestablished, the incorrectly claimed father of the child does not get reimbursed for any child maintenance he paid for the child or anything. It is paternity fraud with no consequences for the BM only the wrongly named father and the child.

Hopefully this helps somewhat of what you need to find out, but I do agree with everyone else, before taking the test I would have a serious talk about what the results mean and what the plan is if it turns out he is not the father. I wouldn't wait till after taking the test because once he knows, he can never unknow that fact.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You need to consult an attorney before you move forward with this to find out EXACTLY what can happen.

Unfortunately, the likelihood is that since DH hasn't formally questioned paternity for 6 years AND he signed the birth certificate, even IF he isn't biologically SD's father, he'll remain SD's legal father. That means he'll still owe CS/maintenance and have access to SD.

However, if DH isn't her BD, this may push BM to alienate SD while also expecting, and being legally entitled to, CS and other COed payments, such as half of child care, extracurricular activities, school fees, etc.

You also need to look at the pain it may cause SD. If BM doesn't know the BD, and BM puts a big show on about DH noy being BD, SD is going to get hurt. There is a right way and a wrong way to reveal to SD that she isn't biologically related, and if you think BM will handle it wrong, then SD becomes a lot of collateral damage.

Also keep in mind that even if this home test comes back with DH as not the father, the court may require that he pay for a second test through their approved lab companies, should he decide to try and terminate his rights. It will also be pricey to try and terminate his rights, as you'll likely need an attorney and have to pay court fees.

I'm not saying don't do this. I'm saying figure out how you plan to react when you receive the results, and be prepared to act quickly. A petition to terminate rights isn't going to be looked at favorably if it takes you two years after you did a home test to actually address it through court. Unfortunately, not having the funds to pursue this won't be a good enough excuse. 

ShadowAthena's picture

We have picked a lab that the government has approved. Alphabiolabs. I'll also add in that we need three scientific data. And we'll be recording it. 

Technically my DH has officially denied paternity on 3 occasions to child maintenance. They have that on their record. 

Harry's picture

Must check with a lawer to find out what are your rights is she is not his.  Definitely no exters for the child above CS. 
if SK is not his, why would he want any contact with this child ?  This child means nothing to him and less to you. You can take care of your neighbors kid.  They mean the same