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Need some advice!

queserasera's picture

Okay, so I'm the stepmom of two great kids. I've been with their father for almost 2 years now. The kids are 4 and 7 years old. I'm not sure if I have any right to feel this way, but their mother brings them to a hair dresser that butchers their hair. She's a really great, loving mother who only wants the best for her kids, but I'm afraid they (especially the 7 year old girl) are going to get picked on. Their mother was forced to wear a conservative dirndl (female liederhosen) to school every day. She has no style sense whatsoever and doesn't realize that her kids hair is crooked and doesn't flatter their faces (and that's putting it lightly). I used to go to the hairdresser that she brings her kids to and immediately switched to a different one because they really screwed it up. So their father and I brought the kids to our new hair dresser. The 4 year old boy loved it (the old hairdresser used to cut his bangs so they were an inch long which made his face look weird). His sister liked the style of her new haircut better, but she said she missed the lady that cut her hair crooked because she was nice. I respect that, it what she's used to. So a month later, their mom took them back to get a "trim" at her salon. When they came over, the stylist kept the boy's hair the way it was when I brought him to get it cut (I'm not even sure she cut his hair because it doesn't look any different), but again butchered the little girl's hair! It's all crooked (noticeably) and her bangs where cut all weird. I know I'm thinking about it too much - since when do 7 year olds care about what their hair looks like? But why does this bother me so much? I know that if their mother's hairdresser did a good job, I wouldn't even think about it - so it's not like a power thing..should I just try to forget about it? :sick:

Sports Fan's picture

I think you're lucky BM didn't freak out on you that you took them to get their hair cut. Most BMs are very territorial about haircuts. I think you should probably just let it go, especially if the kids aren't bothered by it.

AllySkoo's picture

What kind of relationship do you guys have with her? If it's amicable, maybe DH (NOT you!) could say, "Hey, I noticed that daughter's haircut hasn't been cut straight the last couple times she's gone. What's up with that? Do you think maybe it's time to take her somewhere else for haircuts?" There are definitely some BM's who would flip out at the perceived insult, but since you think she's a good mom it sounds like maybe she more reasonable than some around here. Worth a shot, as long as DH can say it sounding like he's on her team (and not like he's accusing her of anything) and you think she won't flip.

Rags's picture

Hey, dad's time he can get his kids hair cuts if he wishes. I have no issue with this. Hair cuts seem to be a much bigger deal for BMs than it is for BioDads.

Now if one side or the other were taking quality clothing/shoes and sending the kid back with cheap crap that would be something I would take issue with.

Get your Skids good hair cuts. Just make sure you figure out the visitation schedule timing so you can keep the kids looking good before BM can take them to her hair butcher.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I would let it go. No reason to possibly make things uncomfortable with the BM.

I am sure you want SD looking her best, however getting along with bm is better for SD than a great haircut. When she is with you, maybe use gel to fix it up.

you sound like a caring sm, that's why it bothers you.

but trust me, don't get into a hair war with the bm.

jumanji's picture

BTW... a dirndl is not really anything resembling female liederhosen. Only as far as being traditional Bavarian attire.

peacemaker's picture

Perhaps you could buy them gift certificates to a different salon for christmas...Who would resist the urge to get it done for free?..Plus if bio mom takes them she may step out of her comfort zone herself...I know the relationship w/your hair dresser is a comfort zone type of thing for a lot of people.....apparently she is comfortable taking the kids there....i think that is the deeper issue you are dealing with in this case...because if it was a quality issues, she would have already found a new hairdresser...it sounds more like a loyalty issue for the bm.....and that needs to be handled delicately.......ever so delicately.....i do not think you telling her how crooked the hair is out weighs her comfort zone issue...making this a "touchy" subject that is also very "personal"...you may find it advantages to steer clear of this one altogether...and let the sd's friends' comments about her hair influence her...it is just a matter of time before they start saying something...the older she gets, the more important these types of issues weigh in....

Patience is probably a good thing to practice on this one.....