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sarah123's picture

I am new here but came because I really need help and advice. Let me give you the background. I am 30 and my live in boyfriend is 42. We have been dating for about four years. And let me preface this by saying... I LOVE children!! All children (this sounds horrbile) until I met his. He has two, S16, D9. They are not normal children (they dont laugh, they dont talk, they dont clean up after themselves, they dont even talk to other children that they play with, the daughter burst into tears when we went out for ice cream and asked her to order hers) and I think I know the reason. But first, the BM has NEVER had a bday party for the 9 yr old (so sad), the son isn't required to get a job or go to school, the daughter is not allowed to have sleepovers or friends over until I started letting her, she just has to sit home with her mom who has a degree and works part time. My bf has always had a wonderful, loving relationship with his kids. When he divorced he agreed to bend over backwards for the lazy ex by paying for her house and child support so they children wouldn't have to move. He did it because he thought that was best for his kids. However, it turned out he had no way to afford any of that, he had just started his own business and thought he be making lots of $$ until construction came to a hault and he had to close shop. The court told him that he has to pay cs based off his projected income even though he can't possibly earn that much but that he no longer had to pay for the house since he obviously couldn't afford it. So he pays his required child support and has no money for anything else. Ever since then BM talks terribly nasty about him in front of the kids, telling them that he doesn't care about them, he doesn't love them, if he cared he would pay for their house but now he is taking it away,if he loved them he would give her more money, tells them she has to take care of them all by herself and he won't help, and on and on and on. It's AWFUL! So, since bf lives with me, I have made rooms for each child (including a 2nd bed in sons room incase he wants to have a friend) and told them they are welcome here anytime. Daughter still comes down to visit but BM refuses to bring her or pick her up to take her home. Everytime its our weekend with the kids I dread it because I have to deal with her bs and then I have to spend the weekend feeling uncomfortable in my own house with silent children. And believe me, I have done everything I can think of the make sure the kids feel welcome and have fun, we do activities together, daughter and I go get manicure pedicures, we go ice skating, bowling and sometime hang out at home and play pool or whatever but they are still SILENT! Ugh! His son will no longer come down. BM has clearly been alienating him from BF and now he even refuses to speak to him, telling him he is a horrible father I feel like I need help with so much I just don't know where to start!! Should we call the kids' school counsellors and see if they can help with the alienation and silent treatment? The daughter is obviously distraught, she loves her father and loves to come down to visit but feels guilty because she has fun and BM drills her about what she did and what we (bf and I) do and why we get to go on vacations (that I have to pay for), etc. The first day she comes down she won't speak. She doesn't say hi when she comes over or bye when she leaves, I'm lucky to get any answer out of her when I ask questions or try and talk, if I get an answer it is in baby talk and so quiet I can't even hear. It's soooo frustrating! Please help. Where do I start? I just want things to be normal and to be the way they were in my family when I was growing up.