You are here

Need advice! I'm I punishing the kids or standing my ground?

bradensu's picture

I am the SM and we have 3 children. My DH has cusody of his DD and DS. I have raised them for 8 years. BM has had three dui's moved away to another state twice from her kids and now has had another baby to a guys she is not married to. In the 8 years I have been in their life I have never seen BM participate in the kids life anymore that the 4 days a month she has to have them. So now that she has kid to take care of, she all of a sudden wants to start participating in her kids lives.

So here is what I need help with...

In June 2009 DD try-out for a competitive cheer squad and made it. It is very expensive. We sat down with BM and said DD really wants to do this can you help pay for the fees. SHe said she would and then a month later quit paying. Should she be allowed to come watch her daughter practice and perform if she has not finanically help with this??

We have always told BM if you don't help pay for activites you don"t get to participate. Becasue she is benefiting from our $.
I need help. Do most BF Or BM for tht matter pay for everything and let the other still come too the activities???

Denial's picture

Not in our situation. Whatever we have paid for or arrange, then it's just us.

Let me just add - I think your DH needs to turn up the heat on her paying for 1/2 like she agreed.

bradensu's picture

How do you work it when it their visitation and they have a event or game?? We don't mind paying for it, but practice sometimes falls on her weekends.

StepChicka's picture

Whether its fair or not..she gets to participate.

Same goes for a dad not paying CS even though he should. It doesn't stop him from seeing his kids. CS and visitation are seperate least in the courts eyes.

Your skids will know who helped them become who they are, who paid their way, who took care of them...all that good stuff Smile

Angel's picture

Unfortunately, life is not fair.

And yes, she should participate even though she is a deadbeat. It is in the best interest of the child to have her biomom there.
Separate the $ from what the child needs.

misguided's picture

I think as much as it sucks I would let her go to the games. The daughter is going to remember it and it probaly would mean something to have her mom there. But I do know how hard it is to be the bigger person. Good luck

hismineandours's picture

Agreed. You cant really ban the mom from competitions. These are public events, right? I am not sure how it would benefit your skids in anyway to try and block mom from participating in their activities. I realize how expensive it is-i have two dd's in competitive cheer-but I feel like you all accepted that responsibility when you signed her up-you know bm is not reliable, right? You had to realize this would be a possiblity. As for her coming to the events, honestly, I wouldnt sweat it because it doesnt soung like mom is consistent enough to show up more than once or twice anyway.

Last-Wife's picture

We pay the bills, but give her the schedules so BM can attend at her convenience. Nine times out of ten, she doesn't show up. When she does, I make sure to be pleasant to her, because I know the kids are watching up in the stands to see who is watching them. They won't remember who paid for it, but they will remember who was there...

"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."