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Mother in Law Interfering

christinen's picture

I posted in the Blended Family Issues section a little about this, but wanted to see if anyone here has any advice. My MIL is interfering majorly in my marriage and in my DH’s custody arrangements with BM. BM is always coming up with excuses for why she can’t take/keep SD on her week (we have joint custody) and tries to get DH to take SD. Well DH has caught onto it and now tells her no, he is not taking SD until it is his week to have her. Well, BM has moved on to MIL and MIL will take SD whenever BM asks. I just think this is so sneaky and undermines DH & my wishes and our plan on how to handle BM. What do you think?

LRP75's picture

"You and your DH need to put her in her place together."

I disagree. MIL needs to be put in place by her son. Any sort of disapproval coming from the OP will only be met with derision. A son has to draw boundaries around his marriage and let his own mother know when she is stepping on toes. If the DIL tries to do it -- watch the fuck out.

Learn from my example:

My DH won't draw boundaries around our family when it comes to his parents. Consequently, when I do (because they drive me fucking nuts), then I am the one with the problem and I am hurting their poor son with my bad attitude. It's a very convenient way for my DH to not have to accept responsibility, to grow up, or to ever have to stand up to his parents.

His parents (his mother specifically) then gets to put bugs into my DHs ears about how his needs aren't being met in his marriage. When she does this, my DH never speaks up and says that he agrees with me and that's it's something that we agreed up on OUR MARRIAGE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER -- instead he just lets her blab and butt the fuck in.

His silence is consent.

Case in point?

1. My DH and I have come to agreements on how we, in our marriage, are going to handle household chores. Fair enough. Simple enough. You would think, right? I mean, it's what other married couples do, right? Welllllll... so I am expecting my DH to uphold his end of his agreement -- that he and I made -- on how chores are going to be handled and she and my FIL flip out on me because I "expect so much from him." I tell them both that they don't know the agreements we've come to and they need to butt out, however DH never bothered to stand up to his parents about how it's our marriage and how they aren't privy to our agreements and they need to butt out. So who ends up looking like the bad guy? Yup, me.

2. My DH and I have come to agreements on how we, in our marriage, are going to handle the children. Again, normal for married folks, right? Welllllll.... then MIL and FIL are unhappy with how much I do (or don't do -- God Lord knows I can't win either way) and they are telling my husband that I am the evil step-mom and that I am horrible to his children or overly involved. Hmmm. Again, I'm telling them that they don't know what we've agreed on and they need to butt out, however, DH never bothered to stand up to his parents about how it's our marriage and how they are privy to our agreements and they need to butt out. So who ends up looking like the bad guy? Yup, me.

3. My DH and I have come to agreements on the way we want to do improvements on the home we just bought. There are some things we can't afford to tackle right now. Again, normal. Welllll.... FIL decides that something we haven't taken care of really, really, really bothers him. It doesn't bother DH and I, because we are waiting until we can afford to do the improvement the way we want to. FIL keeps nagging and nagging about it. I keep saying, "We don't have a problem with it." However, DH never tells him that we aren't prepared to do anything with it yet. So who ends up looking like the bad guy? Yup, me.

DO NOT BE ME! Learn from my mistakes!

I swear to God, please, for the sake of all that is holy, please, please, please leave this to your husband to deal with!

LRP75's picture

Honestly? When it comes to messing with my kids, I take a "no holds barred" attitude.

No eff'ing way would someone talk shit about me to my own kid and think that I wouldn't approach them about it. I would actually say something to her, in front of my DH and my child, letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that if she has ANYTHING to say about me, she will say it to my face -- but that it is absolutely, completely and totally unacceptable to talk shit about me to my own kid.

And if my DH had a problem with it, I would flat-out call him a pussy in front of his whole family for not being man enough to protect me and my child, the way he promised to do when he made vows to marry me and if he wasn't going to man up -- then I was handling the situation myself.

Dude, I am so not a door mat. This is my problem -- I don't "play nice" with people who want to fuck with me. "Playing nice" so someone else (DH) doesn't have to be uncomfortable (while at the same time not taking my comfort and the comfort of my child into consideration) simply isn't an option.

I've told my DH a few times, "I'm sorry you are uncomfortable establishing boundaries for yourself and with your family. However, simply because YOU are uncomfortable with confrontation doesn't mean that I have to allow people to shit all over me. If you don't want to deal with it, I will. And if you are going to leave it to me to deal with, then you've lost all privilege to be able to tell me how I'm going to do it."

His family hates me for it. They are all passive aggressive. I am not. I can't help it. They can't help it.

I try really hard to let my DH handle it, because I've learned from experience that I am the only one who is going end up smelling like a pile of shit at the end.

I try, oh boy do I try.


Anon2009's picture

I can see why you feel this way, but there's not much you can do about it. If BM is a bad influence, MIL may be wanting to protect SD from that. Also, SD is her granddaughter. She doesn't want to pass up any opportunity to spend time with her, and that's understandable.

I think it would be unwise for you or DH to say anything about this to MIL. In her eyes, it might make you look overbearing and controlling. This may not be a hill you want to die on.

Disneyfan's picture

It's up to MIL to decide if/when she will keep her grandchild. The court order involves mom and dad's time with the child, not the rest of the family's.

BSgoinon's picture

Well, if Bm was taking SS to my MIL's house, I would have her arrested for child neglect. But that is a whole other story.

I think if DH feesl strongly enough about MIL not taking SD on BM's time, then he needs to have a talk with his mom, and ask her to support his decision with his child. I don't see the harm in it, but if he feels THAT strongly about it, he needs to talk to her and put his foot down.

knucklehead's picture

So what?
You don't want SD those weeks, and MIL wants to see her granddaughter.
What's the problem?
Why is it "undermining" SD's father?

Sometimes, I think women LOOK for things to be pissy about. It's not his time, it's not his "business," so to speak. SD is taken care of and is with family. Perhaps she even enjoys it.

Let this one go.

hismineandours's picture

Yeah I get it. Mil has always undermined us with ss14. Most recent example is that we had taken cell phone away that she originally purchased due to failing grades. Dh gave it back to mil. She kept him for a week a couple of weeks ago and wanted him to have it during that week- despite just getting another report card with more fs. Luckily dh put a pasc ode omit and thanks to his faulty memory couldn't remember it so he didn't get to use it.

Or the last time dh went to Iraq he told mil it would be nice if she visited with ss once in a while - he meant once every few months. She started getting him eowe driving 6 hours every other weekend to do so. In the meantime she was "too busy" to see her grandkids in this house at all despite living just 15 minutes away from us.he told her to quit it numerous times as it was hurting the rest of his children's feelings. He eventually had to tell her to quit it 3 or 4 times over the space of a couple months and then I think the only reason she stopped is she and bm got into it.

I adore my parents they are good people but I'd be way pissy if they deliberately defied the wishes of me and my dh regarding our kids. I would have dh talk to her and tell her to cut it out.

christinen's picture

Thanks for all the responses!! I guess the reason I feel she is undermining us is because we have made it clear we are not going to help BM not take care of her responsibility. To make a long story short, DH and BM were never married- BM got pregnant on purpose trying to trap DH and when DH wanted her to get an abortion, she refused. Since her little plan to trap DH didn't work, she doesn't want SD anymore. Well, tough shit. You wanted her, you take care of her. That's my opinion on the matter. We have SD 50% of the time, so DH is doing his part; all we want is for BM to do her part as well. MIL took SD for BM yesterday, then got mad at my DH saying he is a bad parent because he wouldn't take SD. Well, we already made it clear we are not taking her on BM's time- we take her when it is our day to get her with no problem, but we are not going to pick up BM's slack. Hope that made it a little more clear. I just hate all this constant drama in my life! I've never been with a man with a kid before and this must have been the reason!