Mother completely spoils Stepdaughter
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My wife spoils her soon to be 16 year daughter. anything she wants she gets. she is a good kid, she gets decent grades and hasn't been in trouble. I just get very frustrated when go over board. she is getting a trip with her Spanish class to Europe, she is getting a very nice car for 16th birthday, things I never had, neither did my wife. Yet she insist her daughter has to receive these things without having to do anything to earn them. Should I just shut up about it or continue to hold me ground. It is putting a tremendous strain on our 12 year marriage.
It sounds like she's a great
It sounds like she's a great kid, I don't see anything wrong with her doing these things for her child if she can afford it. Is her doing for her child the only thing putting a strain on your marriage or is it more to it ?
That's a tough one. I'd ask
That's a tough one. I'd ask if you guys can actually afford to do all of these things for your SD but I personally feel that the issue runs deeper.
I believe that children learn responsibility by earning at least some of the things that they want. From your post, I think you feel the same way? How would you want her to earn these things?
Is your DW planning on cutting her off once she graduates from college? If not, you're in for a long road of agitation because for some, it never seems to end. If you guys can afford it & if there is a definite plan once SD graduates from college, then I would personally ride it out but if you believe that your SD is going to turn into a leech, I don't think I'd be able to deal.
You say that your SD is a good kid...does that mean she helps around the house & is responsible with chores too? It seems like she's at least a little responsible...she's got good grades & hasn't been in trouble...those two things alone show some kind of strength of character.
What are the school's
What are the school's requirements for this trip to Spain? Most of the time there are academic and behavior requirements, as school admin and teachers and chaperones are not going to bother with kids who don't listen, kids who don't obey, kids who don't even care to make grades. No one in their right mind is going to take someone else's kid out of the country if the kid is problematic. So, that right there, if she's eligible to go on this trip, likely she earned it. Did the school have any kind of fundraiser in which SD participated?
The only reason you listed is that neither you nor your wife were given those things when you were that age. Think about it objectively - is that really a reason to not give a child things? Presumably your wife has income with which to pay for this vehicle and insurance.
Are you struggling with jealousy? Do you see your stepdaughter receiving love and affirmation that you did not?
How is this straining the marriage?
I am torn on this subject
I am torn on this subject because FDH and I do this too. There are so many thing that we do for our kids that we never got. They don't do anything to deserve them really- My son does really well in school (but he is in the gifted program and just plain smart), SS gets in trouble ALL THE TIME, DD is 4 so you really don't expect too much. None of them have any set "chores". It is more when we need something done we ask them to help.
However, these kids have so many toys, games, movies, vacations, etc.- it is borderline ridiculous! But growing up FDH and I didn't have much, so we try to give them everything that we felt like we missed... It's not right. We both know it, but we do it anyway... Probably creating monsters in the process.
she does get good grades, she
she does get good grades, she does not get in trouble. she also does not do any chores, and does expect to be catered too. It is a mixed bag. I feel she should have to earn some of the privileges she receives. If we pay for the car, I think she should pay for insurance and gas. My wife differently. "Wants her to enjoy her youth". my fear is she will continue to want to catered too and supported. She has never shown any interest taking care of anything for herself.
There was a fund raiser for the trip but she didn't participate. She knew her mother would write a check for the trip. Which she did. I offered two years to match what ever money she earned or saved for a car when she turned 16. I just wanted her to participate. She hasn't. Its not that we have endless amounts of cash, we can comfortably do what we have done. I guess I do not feel the write lessons are being taught. Neither of us grew up with all the things she has and learned to work to get them. She has learned to smile and charm her way into what she wants. I do not see that carrying her all of her life.
I just feel we are not being responsible. My big question is as a step parent, should I step back and just keep my mouth shut? It is very hard to do when I feel so strongly that we are not doing the proper thing as parents.
If you don't have separate
If you don't have separate finances, then yes, you should speak up. If you do have separate finances and your DW is still contributing to everything that she needs to (household, retirement, etc) then no, its her $ and let it go.
I totally agree with you on the paying for insurance and gas. Or at least part of insurance. She can get a weekend job and do this and will learn the importance of working hard. You are not out of line at all for wanting this.
things have changed, she has
things have changed, she has been sneaking out, arrested for drinking and grades have dropped. My marriage is in trouble over the whole thing now. I really do not what to do. We are in family counseling but it just turns into a bash me session. I am at wits end.