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Kids keep repeating they want mom and dad to get back together

just_a_girl's picture

My boyfriend is a dad of 2 girls (6 and 10 years old).

One year after divorce and after meeting me, the oldest one (10YO) started to make some scenes: hysterically crying, demanding her dad to reconcile with their bio-mother, hiding in the closet, having suicidal thoughts (though, I rather think she heard this expressions on TV) and so on.

Little one started copying her sister's behavior - her big sister being like a role model to her.

How to make them stop?! Help

Have you been through that? What solutions do you have for this kind of behavior?

hereiam's picture

What does your boyfriend do about it? If nothing, that is your problem.

Kids are resilient, and they can handle a lot, BUT they have to be guided and talked to about the changes that are happening in their lives, not just left to their own devices, in hopes that it will all work out.

Has your boyfriend explained the situation to them? How is he helping them to deal with it? Hopefully, not by coddling them or making them feel that they are "victims" of divorce.

We had this situation exactly ONCE and my husband shut that shit down quick. It was just a sympathy ploy, and when it didn't work and DH explained the facts, it didn't happen again.

just_a_girl's picture

He keeps explaining to her that she is loved and that the divorce has nothing to do with her, the usual bla bla. He's also firmly telling her that her fantasy is not possible. she doesn't seem to understand...

ESMOD's picture

As he has to repeat this over and over... the message becomes more direct.  You start off with the "you are loved and not the cause and we won't be back together"... and then you move on to. "I have told you that your mother and I are not getting back together... repeatedly bringing this up is not productive and it is rude to say things like that in front of Just-a-girl.  Please go to your room and think about what I just said".

twoviewpoints's picture

The kids did not even know you existed until a couple months ago and Dad only gets them part time. 

They are obviously upset and will need time to adjust. 

Talk to Dad about getting them into counseling. Yes, they are grieving the loss of their intact family. They can and hopefully will adjust , but especially the oldest child , sounds as if she is definitely struggling. 

It doesn't help that their BM/GBM told them about your involvement with Dad while he was married to their mother. Lord knows what they are still being told. 

A counselor will be a neutral person to sort their feeling out with. Sometimes a counselor can help them build a 'tool box' with skills and coping ways to handle such major changes going on in their young life. 

Rags's picture

You make them stop by you and your DH having a united front, don't tolerate the crap from them, and apply escalatingly unpleasant consequences for deviation from reasonable behavior in an age appropriate manner. If they hide in the closet... leave them there.

I don't care why toxically behaved people do what they do. What I care about is their behavior and whether it is reasonable.  If it isn't... I bring the pain of consequence.  If it is reasonable they get a neutral yet reasonable quality of life, if it is exemplary... I reward that behavior.  Their feelings don't matter. Only their behavior matters.

Keep it simple.

just_a_girl's picture

Maybe she's in real pain, we don't know that. Just like you I am a realistic type of person, but let's not be that radical -> "Their feelings don't matter. Only their behavior matters."

Rags's picture

If she isn’t bleeding or otherwise injured then she isn’t in pain that is dire to her health or safety.  Other types of pain must be dealt with over time and through the grieving process.  I would say that a child of the ages your Skid’s are likely won’t exhibit the behaviors you are seeing without BM pulling the strings of PAS.  

Regardless, the kid’s behaviors are what need to be addressed.  

I consider myself to be a pragmatist and I try to focus on a pragmatic approach to problems.  That is why I focus on the behaviors of people rather than the emotion.  Though emotion is certainly part of the spice of life.

Maxwell09's picture

While I haven't had to deal with this to the same extent as you have because I only have one skid and he is only 6 and a boy, he has still made little comments rarely asking about BM and DH. He has asked me why BM and DH are not a family before and he has asked me why BM and DH are not friends. I told him the truth but in terms he could understand as a six year old. I told him that DH is my bestfriend because we love each other more than anyone else in the world. Sometimes people don't want to be bestfriends anymore and that's what happened with BM and DH. BM found a new bestfriend (and a few more after that) and DH found me. I don't know if he settled for that because it made sense to him or not but he hasn't asked again. Perhaps a little bit of straightforwardness will help in your case. 

justmakingthebest's picture

How is BM in this situation? Would she be willing to sit with you guys (maybe her new SO as well) and as a new extended family explain that while everyone loves the 2 of them. Mommy and Daddy don't want to be married anymore. 

ndc's picture

My SO has 2 little girls.  Last year, the older one (4 at the time) was making a lot of comments about how she wanted her mom and dad to get back together.  The little one didn't remember a time when her parents were together so she never made those comments.  There were no scenes or hysteria, just repeated comments, always in front of me.   In addition to that she'd occasionally tell me "You're not my mom."  My response every time was "You're right, I'm not your mom.  You have a perfectly good mom and you don't need another one."  I'm not sure exactly why these comments stopped, but I haven't heard them in nearly a year.  SO would tell her firmly, every time she made the comment about mom and dad getting back together, that it was never going to happen.  Maybe that helped.  My other theory was that she started making the comments at a point when BM and her boyfriend had broken up.  Since BM had been with this boyfriend since she left SO, maybe the child thought it was an opening for her parents to get back together.  Maybe I wasn't as insurmountable an obstacle as mom's boyfriend.  I guess we'll never know.  The girls are now excited about the fact that SO and I are engaged and never mention him getting back with BM anymore.