I'm exhausted
Hello,
I want to start out by saying how much I love my step kids. They are 5&8. They have huge personalities and are fun and bright. We do get along great and I am so happy I am with their Dad. I just need some help.
The oldest is such a sweet girl. She is helpful and funny. She is pretty independent but I do need some advice on somethings with her. Firstly she has Encopresis. If you are unfamiliar with this, she soils herself, like a lot. I have to throw away her undies and pants a lot. There are things we do to try to treat it, daily Miralax, schulded bathroom trips and a special diet. We can go four days without an accident. This alone is exhausting. She hates taking her medicine, hates sitting on the toilet for 15 minutes every two hours, and because of this and the fact that I am the one home with her, we argue about it a lot. This condition has given her a very uncomfotable relationship with the bathroom. She gets a lot of UTI's and I suspect she doesn't wipe ever. She can't shower alone and can't take baths. She is almost nine and is not independent with her personal hygiene at all. This is exhausting.
Secondly, is the boy. He and I have an increadiable bond and he is so sweet and empathetic, but my gosh, I don't know what to do with him. I don't even know where to start, so I will just go with his sleeping habits. At his Mom's house, he gets to sleep in her bed a lot. We think he should be in his bed to sleep. He is 5. Bedtime is such a huge deal. It usually takes me about two hours to get him down. He screams the entire time. He is scared, he is thirsty, he is lonely, he doesn't want to go to bed and whatever else you can think of. I start bedtime around 8 and he is never asleep before 10. My husband leaves for five for work and when his son hears him leave, he is up for the day. I feed him breakfast. Argue about screen time (we try to limit it) and I set him with some toys while I get ready. He is usually ok for this hour. Thats where his fears set in. He is afraid of everything, car rides, loud noises and water. If we are going somewhere and he decides he doesn't like the car that day I have to options, staying at home or a car ride filled with screaming bloody murder. I try to do fun things with them, because their Mom works a lot and has her 80 year oldgrandmother watch them a lot, so they are really bored most of the time. This just makes it very hard. He can't sit through a movie, loves the park if he finds someone to play with there and won't even get in our pool. I just am at my wits end.
I am sorry for the vent but I have no one to talk to. This is all on me. My husband is a great father, but he works 6, 13 hour days a week. I do not want him to spend the very limited time he has with his kids, punishing them for their actions during the day. They are actually at their worst around him though. They fight for attention and are physically violent with eachother and at times him, if he tries to punish them.
I feel like I'm failing. I have a degree in education and I can't help two kids? The house is a mess, I have let myself go, I am weeks behind on laundry and dinner is never on the table on time. I will be the first to admit I am hard on myself, but is it always this hard? Am I not meant for kids of my own ( something I really thought I wanted)? I just am exhausted. I don't inow what else to do.
Perfessional help
These kids need Perfessional help. Get it for them and yourself
I know your husband works a
I know your husband works a lot, but honestly, it's not fair that all of this falls to you. You are not even their actual mother. I would talk to your DH and explain that you feel kind of like you're drowning. There is no shame in asking for help. You shouldn't have to figure out how to fix this by yourself. But you deserve happiness too, and if this were me dealing with so much, by myself, I would not be happy.
I'm not sure what to say about your SD...that's a tough one. But as for your SS...You should not have to spend 2 hours putting him down. But, he wants attention, and as long as you are going back in by him and giving him the attention he wants, he is going to continue antics that gain attention. He will continue to be scared, thirsty, lonely, as long as it is getting him the results he wants. Which, it is! No one really wants to hear a kid scream for 2 hours until they fall asleep, but I think it's time for some tough love. Once he's in his room, explain that it's bedtime and you will not be coming back in, no matter how much he screams. And then don't. Even if he screams bloody murder. He will learn that his actions are no longer getting the attention he wants.
Good luck!
What is your schedule with
What is your schedule with the kids? How often are they with you guys?
Are pull ups an option for SD?
As for bedtime- the only thing you can do is remain firm and consistant. He is getting a reaction out of you or DH. You allow him to get another drink, or go in and spend 5 minutes with him, or you read another story. You can't give in... no weakness! LOL I would suggest you outlining what you are going to do for bedtime tonight. Do it. Don't let him out of the room.
"SS, tonight we are going to start a new routine. At 7:30 you are going to have a bath. After that it will be PJ's and you can pick out 1 book for us to read. After the story it is lights out and you are staying in bed." Don't go if he screams and yells and crys. Don't lay with him if he is lonely. If he comes out, take his hand and walk him back to bed. Over and over if you have to. If he throws himself down, pick him up and walk him back to his room and put him down. You just have to do this over and over. He will get it- As long as you stay firm.
We have the kids every other
We have the kids every other weekend during the school year and during the summer we have them during the week and every other weekend.
We also have them for most school breaks, which kind of stinks, because I am a teacher and I need that time. I threw a huge fit when I took a personal mental health day in April and I ended up getting them for 14 hours becuase their district was out. I know it's convenient and cheaper for everyone if I take them, but sometimes I want to say know, espically because I do all the driving. I just feel gulity, they are his kids and of course they should be welcome at our home anytime, but my gosh, it's hard.
I have told my husband that I think both of his kids would befit from some form of therapy but nothing has ever come of it.
I do try with bed time. I sit against the door and hold it shut and if I don't he gets out and runs to our bed, holding on the posts. We have to pry his fingers off.
I just need some me time and I don't know how to get it. I can't leave them alone for five minutes without it becoming a huge fight. For example, while I was writing the 1st post, I was in my room and they were in the living room. I heard a scream and she comes rushing in. Ss had locked our new kitten in a box and was hitting in with his nerf baseball bat. She was crying, the cat was freaked out and my ss doesn't get why I put him in time out.
I Love these kids. I know they are hard but they are also really fun sometimes. Any ideas in getting more support from their parents without having to out right say I can't handle your kids?
You my dear, my be a saint!
You my dear, my be a saint! That is a lot happening and you aren't getting support. Would your husband go to counseling for you 2? Maybe find a therapist that understands that you need time for yourself. You aren't the nanny, you are a wife. You didn't bring the kids into the world, and while you are supportive of your husband you need him to support you.
Also no pulls ups are not an
Also no pulls ups are not an option because she is so prone to UTI's and bladder infections.
I just feel bad becuse he
I just feel bad becuse he makes was more money then I do. I feel like taking care of the kids, the house and the cooking is how I contribute. I don't want him have to provide the money and have to.come home to more drama.
You seem to be discounting
You seem to be discounting the fact that you work too... So you're out all day, come home to do all the cooking and housework AND take care of his kids? Crazy.
And I don't care whether it's cheaper for all if you take care of the kids when their district is out, it is not your JOB to take care of his children on YOUR day off, dammit! Let him and his ex work out a backup plan because it is THEIR responsibility, not yours.
I understand that you would
I understand that you would be exhausted. DH has two children who are two years a part in age and he is exhausted all the time. They are needy and attention hungry too. They act the worst around him because they know that gets them attention. And guess what, they are teenagers. It's been like this for him since they were babies. It doesn't end. Good luck. If I were you, I would demand that their BM take care of them when dad can't. It's not your job. You have to let go of this a little and take care of yourself more.
I never take DH 's kid when
I never take DH 's kid when they are out of school. I'm a teacher too so I have the same days off as they do but I NEVER do it. That means on BM's custody days she has to hire a babysitter and DH has to take off of work.
Wow! Sounds very tough. My
Wow! Sounds very tough. My niece had a similar problem as your SD and pleased to say she grew out of it from about 10-11 but they just coped with constantly reminding her to go to the bathroom. She was worse when distracted with something fun as she didn’t want to leave what she was doing. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you and as for SS I agree that it is all in the level of attention he is getting. Literally no words to him when he gets up and keep guiding him back to bed. It won’t happen in one night but the message will sink in that it’s not getting him what he wants in the end. The issue will be the routine being broken when he is back with BM but there is no control over that unless her and DH are on good terms and can try and keep it up at both homes. Good luck and in the meantime focus on their good qualities as as you say they are generally lovely children. I agree that you need a break for yourself. I’m sure DH is entitled to some time off and he should want to use that time with his children. My DH tries to get as much daddy time as he can when they are with him but I do do some of the childcare as he works 2 jobs also so I get where you are coming from
Thank you
I am really new to this whole step parent/ wife thing and having someone who can tell me how to say no and that I can in fact, say no, is huge. Thank you guys.
Your DH
Has to figure out a way to help you, It’s his kids, it should not all fall on you. He may have to work less or change jobs. Jobs should not be first, kid should come before his job. Not work to be away from home
That is a great point. He
That is a great point. He just has a lot of stuff to pay off from when they were together. His goal is to work less eventually after he pays off some debt.
As a man the whole nurturing
As a man the whole nurturing thing, while conceptually I get it, does not overcome logic ..... for the most part.
First, why do what you do out of guilt? Yes, your DH may make more money than you but equity life partnership is about far more than money. I have always earned at least 2x what my wife earns but... we have an equity life partnership and as my mother is fond of saying, my income is her income and her income is her income. Our income is marital income. As a CPA she manages our family finances.
As for parenting and distribution of household responsibilities... I never struggled with being an equity parent though I did struggle with the man aversion to house work and since I detest all things yard.... I outsourced that crap as soon as we could afford to make that happen. So, my advice is that you set the boundaries of your participation in the poopy and ranting kid parade and put that on the BM and your DH.
Admittedly I am not a child behavioral or education professional but I am an organizational and personnel performance expert and that has mostly to do with the behavior of people. Your Skid's behaviors need to be confronted and not tolerated. While I understand that your SD has a digestive condition.. she is 9yo and far past old enough to not crap her pants. So I would suggest that you adjust the nurture and go after the behavioral consequences that will deliver enough misery that will change her behaviors. Put her in diapers and a T-shirt and that his how she will be dressed in public, at home, etc... until she self regulates her toilet activities. This is what it took to get my SKid to quit pissing his bed when he was at that age. Public humiliation is a strong motivator and 9yo is far past the age where she should be able to bathe herself and deal with her hygiene and toilet responsibilities. That she has a condition makes this more critical IMHO. She is approaching the age where her hygiene and toilet habbits are going to return incredibly unpleasant consequences from her peers so getting this done now will help her avoid that nightmare.
As for the 5yo... nope, the melt downs should be met only with painful consequence. A swat to the rump and a twisted ear march to the nearest corner where he stands with his nose in contact with the intersecting walls until you get tired. Lather, rinse, repeat.
At some point the why of these chosen behaviors ceases to matter and only the behaviors matter. Particularly modifying those behaviors.
Compliance with reasonable standards of behavior is met with a not unpleasant state of existence, failure to comply with those standards is met with a state of abject misery and exceding the standards is met with pleasant improvements to their state of existance.
Keep it simple and keep guilt out of it.
All IMHO of course.