I feel like I'm about to explode!!!
I have a ten-year-old SD. My husband and I have been together for about six years and we were best friends for five years before we got together, so I have been part of my SD's life since she was a baby. I also have a four-year-old BD. Before I get into this, I just want to state that I love my SD and it is impossible for me to give up and refuse to spend time with her. I've seen a lot f advice on here like that, and it's not what I'm looking for. I love her the same as my own daughter, and I say that with honesty. She has always been a dangerous liar. No one understands why she does it. She lies and says everyone is out to get her and being mean to her. She has told all kinds of crazy lies on me which has caused MAJOR problems with my mother-in-law and her BM ganging up on me trying to get my DH to leave me, this recently stopped being an issue because my SD told a bunch of insane lies on my mother-in-law so she's not so quick to believe now. She gets corrected at our house and we are by no means unjust or cruel, however her BM allows her to get away with everything. If we punish her for something BM acts like we are ridiculous. Well, she has recently started stealing toys from my daughter and I don't understand why she has anything she wants. BM makes quite a bit more money than us, so wht ever SD asks for she gets. She only steals things she knows are my daughters favorites as well. Her BM is blind to this of course and the excuse is always she didn't mean to, it got mixed up in her stuff... Well, I have had it. We catch her red handed all the time and BM refuses to do anything about it we are the bad guys for pointing it out. My husband and I both feel powerless and we fear how SD is going to turn out because BM refuses to acknowledge her daughter has behavior problems. We used to think as she got older, empathy and common sense would kick in, but she just keeps getting worse and I feel like the wort person ever saying it, but no one has any fun around her at all now. It's like her main goal is to make people angry. The only time she's nice or good is when she's trying to get out of trouble. I love her and mostly I'm just worried. She is a very loved little girl. I don't understand why she enjoys being this way.
People are born with an
People are born with an innate personality. You cannot force a child to be something they are not.
You MAY have been dealt a lemon. It happens. One of my closest friends has the most worthless daughter on the face of this earth. She and her husband (intact family) are two of the most decent people you would ever want to know. Their other children are wonderful young adults. The daughter unfortunately is just a bad seed.
I wouldn't give up on her at 10 - but be prepared that it may come to that at 25.
Sad but it is reality. I
Sad but it is reality. I think this response would fit well on the other blogs posted today about blaming parents for skid's bad behaviors. In MOST cases, yes, it is the parents fault, but not always. Like you said, there are such things as bad seeds.
We are honestly scared to
We are honestly scared to take her to a councler because she'll get angry and we're scared she'll manipulate the doctor and make us all out to be abusive. She has a very vivid imagination. I don't spank. We do time outs and privelages taken away, but she has lied and told her grandmother that we all beat her with belts and hit her in the mouth. She can be very believable. She can cry and hyperventilate on command. I should also mention that she is VERY intelligent. She makes straight A's, and she is very well behaved at school. Her teachers always brag about her very much.
She sounds like a little
She sounds like a little manipulative monster. She needs to be taken to a child psychiatrist and he/she needs to be informed of all of her behaviors, all of her lies, all of her schemes, all of her manipulation talents. They deal with kids like this. They know kids lie. Now, if she shows up with a fat lip and bruises all up and down her legs, they are mandated reporters, but if she is being seen by them BECAUSE she is a pathological liar and con artist with major personality disorder issues, and she just comes up with fantastical stories, they will see thru that.
She is very manipulative, but
She is very manipulative, but she did not used to be this bad. It just hurts me so bad. I know that she loves us, but sometimes it feels like she doesn't. I just want my baby back. It's hard to raise a child up from a sweet, innocent baby and then have this happen. She is just so angry all the time, and I just want her to be well adjusted and happy without feeling the need to make herself the star of a pity party or taking things. I think she steals because she is jealous, but I know she loves her little sister. My SD is my BD's favorite person in the world. She takes things from my daughter that my SD wouldn't even play with, mostly baby dolls. My SD doesn't even play with baby dolls anymore. She's all about video games and books. I'm not a psychologist, but I think she does everything she does because she doesn't feel loved and it's her way at retaliation. I think she tells the sob stories to be pet. I just don't understand why she feels this way. She's a beautiful little girl, she's liked in school, her BM loves her, we love her, I know she's spoiled but this isn't your run of the mill spoiled behavior. I'm going to try and talk my husband into getting her some help. We've run ourselves ragged trying everything else.
She has escalated her
She has escalated her behaviors - because of her age. Her hormones are starting to ramp up. What most people see in 10 year old girls is amplified due to her habitual lying and manipulation tactics.
I agree she needs counseling. NOW. I'm not a doc or anything - but I suspect BPD. (they won't actually diagnosis a 10yr old, but they will try to identify the whys of her behaviors as well as try some therapies to help her manage herself.)
In the meantime - I recommend you take a look at this website: http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/
Read some of their stories and see if they look and feel like your own situation. I found that to be very helpful when we were searching for answers with my SS17 (he's been diagnosed with RAD and is now in full time placement at a treatment facility).
Good luck to you and your family!
My husband was diagnosed with
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and took medication for years, now that he's older he doesn't need medication and he's a normal person. He leveled out around age 25. He thinks she has the same problem, but he never had her behaviors he was just always very sad or very hyper. He now suffers no symptoms at all. He gets stressed out sometimes, but who dont? I have done a lot of research on RAD, and she shows a lot of those symptoms but she's never really experienced anything traumatic.
It sounds like BPD to me as
It sounds like BPD to me as well. I am not a medical doctor. I don't post openly what career fields I have worked in due to privacy concerns, but I have worked with adults and adolescents who have BPD and my own DH has been diagnosed with it and Bipolar Disorder. I think he leans more toward NPD myself, but the doc said BPD. The things you have said, really do sound like BPD. It is NOT a chemical imbalance, it is not a depressive disorder, it is a personality disorder. There are no meds that can fix it like it would if it were a chemical imbalance. It is lifelong, and unfortunately, the prognosis is usually very bleak. These people are very resistant to therapy and they do not generally have a very receptive attitude towards seeking help. Therapy for BPD adolescents tends to be geared more toward helping the adults in their lives learn how to better cope than anything else. Research your area child psychologists. If there are none available, look for child psychiatrists. If you are unable to find one, which is often the case depending on where you live, call the local counseling services and explain to them your concerns, that you suspect possible BPD, and ask them if they have experience with that. If it is an insurance issue, your PCP can refer you out to an applicable service provider, you just may have to drive an hour or two, depending on where you live.
I agree with Echo. She needs
I agree with Echo. She needs to see a psychiatrist, but, like she said, it is her father's place to arrange and follow thru with that. If she has a personality disorder, there is no quick fix, no magic pill, and like oldone said, sometimes this is just who they are, how they were born. Unfortunately, born bad, and then made worse by a permissive parent. But, the doctor will be able to properly diagnose her and help your DH know how to handle it as best he can.
my ss19 is sorta like that -
my ss19 is sorta like that - he talks and everything that comes out of his mouth is lies, but DH calls it a fantasy world that he just weaves around himself, almost like a protective layer. It's hard b/c what do you believe and what not? he will also intentionally lie if he steals or does something he's not supposed to do (he lived with us for a yr and half) and then blames it onhis younger brother or just deny it. It truely is frustrating to parent a child like that. We found that even punishing our ss did not work, ie taking away computer, phone, etc. We finally had to kick him out of the house and now he is not allowed in our home without DH here and we lock our room and office when gone b/c he'll sneak in and steal pills, etc. Like oldone said, just a bad seed
I've seen kids and animals too that will only ever do negative things to get the attention they so yearn for and no matter how much you try to positively enforce good behaviors at times there is simply not enough good behavior to build on to change that child/person.
You've already had some good
You've already had some good advice, I just wanted to say I know how you feel. My SD exhibited a lot of the same behaviour. Little lies and stealing that just got worse, party because it was never consistently handled. BMs house was very permissive, our house was more structured but DH shied away from confronting difficult behaviour. It escalated dramatically when she hit puberty and by that point the secretive behaviour was so ingrained that she turned out to be silently resistant to therapy; a lovely girl, eager for approval on the surface, but committed to disfunctional behaviour underneath.
It is horrible not being able to trust a child that you love. My SD is now 17, still nobody has got to the bottom of why she acts the way she does. I believe a lot of it started from her poor relationship with her mother, who drank heavily throughout her childhood. SD doesn't know how to trust people or feel close to them. She's a very lonely, but also very manipulative girl. I started out like you, completely committed to helping her and loving her like my own, but a year ago I just reached breaking point and couldn't cope with the lies and destructive behaviour any more, particularly because DH could not agree how to handle it.
I hope you're able to tackle this earlier than we did and have more success.