I don't trust my 9 year old step son
I am new to this site and am looking for guidance from step parents who have been through what I am going through.
I am 31, I have two biological children of my own with a baby on the way. My daughter is 6 and my son is 8. I have 3 step-sons, ages 9, 11, and 16. The 11 year old is not biologically his but he started dating his ex-wife while she was pregnant and raised the baby as his own. This child is completely normal. When I have to correct him, it's for normal children misbehavior. His 9 year old however, has been trouble since the start. Both of his boys have been diagnosed ADHD. The two younger children's mother has set no rules for them. They go to bed when they want, they do whatever they want. The 9 year old has already told us he doesn't like coming with us (every other weekend) because we have rules. The 11 year old says he loves coming with us. Their biological mother has shown us how irresponsible she is as a mother. She has dated 5+ men in the last year and a half. Starts sleeping at their houses with the boys after a week of knowing them. Let's the boyfriend sleep in the bed with her and the boys. She has dated a man convicted of carnal knowledge of a juvenile who is currently serving time in jail due to violation of probation. She dated a guy who was recently arrested for stealing credit cards and she dated one who was arrested for simple battery. We have recently consulted a lawyer with all that is going on and he said the best thing to do is to try to get the boys 7 and 7. He said a judge will not take them from their mother completely even though we have the evidence of her unfit parenting. The most recent issue that came up and what brought me to this site happened this weekend. My husband and I both agree that all of the children (both his and mine, except his 16 year old) are too young to have phones and are also too young to have a facebook. His ex-wife allows her two boys to have facebook. The 11 year old has one but never gets on it and doesn't even know the password. The 9 year old however, is on it all the time. We have already told him that he isn't allowed go get on it at our house. This weekend, he brought his mom's extra iphone to the house. I told my husband that he needed to take it from him because the rule was no phones. My husband told me the reason he wasn't taking it away was because his son was using it as an mp3 player. I still believed he should have taken it away. After monitoring the phone we noticed that his mom had posted on her facebook a picture saying "Let's F_ck. All I need is u". Even though he may not have known what it meant, my husband's 9 year old posted "you. lol" This blew my mind. What mother in her right mind would post something like this knowing her young child could see it and even comment on it. My husband then saw an app he was playing that had a woman bent over a christmas tree with a thong on and the object of the game was to flick ice cubes in her butt crack!!!!! At this point, we both agreed to take the phone away. He was supposed to leave the phone at his aunts house and when he went back home with his mom he was supposed to bring it back to her and never bring it back to our house. He told us he had left it at his aunts house but his aunt called us and told us she couldn't find it. Long story short, he lied to us and brought it back to our house. My husband then took it from him. The 9 year old had put a passcode on the phone (he hadn't had one earlier). My husband got the passcode from him and unlocked the phone and we started going thru the messages and found that he had sent a message to his mom saying he had to hide the phone in his bluejeans. We kept the phone and somewhere in the time that we took it from him and about 30 minutes later he managed to get the phone and change the passcode again. When I confronted him about the passcode that he told us was not working, I handed him the phone and told him to unlock it. Instead of typing in the passcode that he told us he typed in a different one and when he noticed I saw that it wasn't the right one he quickly told me "it changes itself sometime" to which I told him that I was not stupid and phones don't change passwords by themselves. That night, I put the phone in a drawer and arranged it with certain things on top of it so if it was moved I would notice. The phone wasn't moved during the night but when they woke up in the morning we noticed that it was completely missing from the drawer. I had already changed the passcode so even if he got ahold of it, he couldn't use it. When we asked both boys where the phone was they both denied knowing at first. Then his 11 year old told us that he had gone in that drawer to get his mp3 player out. First of all, his mp3 player was never in that drawer, second, he didn't even know the phone was in that drawer because he wasn't around when I put it in there. His 9 year old knew where the phone was though so he told the 11 year old to go get it. He constantly talks his brother into doing things that will get him in trouble but will take the spotlight off him. The icing on the cake was realizing one of our house keys was missing. My husband called the boys (we had already brought them back to their mother) and questioned them. The 9 year old denied it (of course) but when we asked the 11 year old he admitted his brother took the key. When asked why he does these things, his answer is always "I don't know". There are more issues that have come up but this is what set me off this weekend and has me not wanting him to return to our house. He is very manipulative, he lies constantly, he has alot of anger issues, he has this look about him that shows he is plotting something. He thinks he is smarter than us and he is constantly trying to get into adult converstaion. My husband and I are starting to wonder if one of his mother's many boyfriends didn't molest him. The mom treats the 9 year old and the 11 year old different. The 9 year old gets anything he wants (phone, computer, games) while the 11 year old doesn't. We are thining about bringing him to see a psychiatrist. It is starting to look more and more like the mother is bribing the 9 year old with things to keep him quiet about something that may have happened. He is constantly having bowel movements on himself and not telling us. He just sits in it until we smell it and make him go clean himself. His mom said that she brought him to the dr and they put him on meds but it's on a as needed basis. If he is doing this everytime he is with us I would say it's needed daily!!!! She doesn't see it that way.
I fear for my safety when the 9 year old is around. The safety of my husband, and children and my unborn child. Him stealing my house key was the last straw. I told my husband I don't know what the solution is but, I don't want the 9 year old back at my house until he gets help. We are even going so far as to put cameras all over our house to monitor what he is doing. I hate not feeling safe in my own home. I would hate to have to tell my husband it's me or his son but I can't keep my children in a situation that isn't safe. Any help would be greatly appreciated.