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I dont like my step kids

ladybug1974's picture

HI this is my first time here, I recently had my boyfriend move in ( in June ) . I have known him for over 10 years. We were both married to other people before and met years later after splitting form our spouses. I have a 23 year old son that doesnt live at home ( hes all grown up ) . My boyfreind has 2 kids 14 and 7 both boys. He gets them everyother weekend friday to sunday. I know this doesnt sound like alot of time, but to me it is. At first when he moved in and we had the kids every other weekend it wasnt so bad. Now i cant stand coming home on the weekends that they are home. I work a hard full time job and on fridays i like to go home and relax, walk the dog, watch a show, make dinner ect.. I feel when they are over i have to constanly cook, clean, dishes, laundry and i feel like i dont have MY house. They take over the living room and my space, I had my son at 21 ( early in life ) because i didnt want to be tied down to kids in my later life. I have done it all already. Soccer with my son for 16 years, bed time stories, games,, kids movies, plays, concerts, all of it. Im so in love with my boyfriend, he truly is the love of my life. I really dont think i am going to survive having the kids every other weekend. I know they will grow up one day, but can i make it till then ? I just feel sooooo freaking stressed out its effecting my health, and at this point our relationship . I know there is someone out there that feels like this , there has to be. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well I feel you I do and I have my kids in my home! Son age 3 , bio son age 8 and daughter age 8 months . But my house is run very structured. When my DH daughter who is 10 comes over the house is a mess and I feel like I'm constantly picking up after her and crap it's annoying! Well I used to do that until I disengaged and made DH be responsible for her when she is her on her weekends. My DH makes her clean up after herself and does chores. Maybe this will help the situation? His kids are his kids though and they have a right to see him per the custody order probably but atleast he can make his kids be responsible for cleaning after theirselves 

SteppedOut's picture

Why are YOU doing the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. for HIS kids? Stop. That is HIS job. He did it before he moved in with you....that should not change. 

ladybug1974's picture

HI sorry  i should have been a bit clearer,, he does as well, I just tend to do the laundry , and i am always cleaing as im a neat freak. He does help. Its just alot more cleaning and such with 2 other people in the house. I also get up earlier so i tend to start the laundry and cleaning. once i hear the litle one up i cant help but get up and go down stairs and make coffee, and then i start with the chores. 

Gimlet's picture

So your SO sleeps in while you get up with the kid?  

How about instead you get up, get some coffee, and relax until your SO gets up to take care of his kids?  Better yet, your SO gets up and takes care of his kid while you enjoy your coffee or sleep in. 

Your SO should be handling all the extra work from his kids, just like I am sure you did with yours.

P.S. I had my DD when I was 21 also and I'm a couple of years older than you are it appears.  I would have zero interest in caring for someone else's 7 year old at this stage of my life, but that's just me. 

Winterglow's picture

Well, you can either tell him he can see his kids elsewhere on his weekends or you could ask him to move back out and continue to date him or ... you could break up with him because you are not in tune with his lifestyle. 

There is no reason for you to feel that you have to be his and his kids skivvy.

Rags's picture

An equity life partner has to be additive to your life.  This guy, though he may be the current love of your life, those often come and go by the way, is proving to not be additive to your life adequately to make him THE one.

Yes, someone else is out there. I have always found that when a breakup happens the next one that comes along has all of the best characteristics of the last with with a number of their own great unique characteristics.  Eventually, the one is right in front of you.... without the baggage.

Good luck.

Kes's picture

I was in a similar position to you in that when I met my DH - my own bios were in their late teens and one of them had left for University, and the SDs, who were at the time 5 and 7, came every other weekend.  These times were a terrible trial to me, not helped by the tendency of DH to be a Disney Dad. After a year or so I disengaged - although I hadn't read about this here at that point - I just stepped back for my own sanity.  If I had it all to do over, ie well over a decade of my life being substantially ruined by the SDs and their high conflict mother, I don't know if I would have done it again.  But things are better now.  You still have a very long way to go with the 7 yr old. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, as much as you love him, this may not be the guy for you.  You have at least 11 more years of skids in your home and having to deal with your BF's less than great parenting and having to pick up after them.  If he had his own place, he could see them there on the weekends and still spend most nights with you. Not ideal from a financial standpoint, but if that's not an issue, then it's the best solution.

My experience is that neat freaks can't let stuff go and other people's standards are generally not good enough for them - so what might seem reasonably clean to your BF won't seem that way to you, especially when it comes to his kids.  So he will begin to resent having to keep everything perfect, and you will resent having to live with less than perfect. 

If it's marriage you are looking for, I'd find someone at your stage of life - with adult kids who are launched.

Lizzylemon's picture

What about having bf stay the weekend at his parents home if they live within driving distance? You could be honest with him and nicely say it's a little too much for you to handle having these children there on the weekend and you would like your home to be an adult home. Then his parents would also be able to spend time with the skids. 

my dh drops skid off at his parents house for overnight visits multiple times a week and this works out very well for us. His parents live 1.5 hours away. And the grandparents love it! 

Dogmom1321's picture

Honestly, BF should move out. You've done it all already and don't want MORE. You can continue to date... but being a Step Mom isn't in your cards so you shouldn't have to perform as one. 

 

I would allow more space with him moving out. That way he can still be your BF, but he can focus on HIS relationship with HIS kids. And that way you still get to be YOU. I think he will understand you wanting a different lifestlyle. 

Rags's picture

And.... when a truly quality partner asks you out, there is nothing to stop you from accepting.

That... is the best part of this model.