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I am really not getting on with my step daughter, to the point I’m thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend

Girl1993's picture

I have recently moved in with my partner to our own home. My partner has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I have always found her rude and spoilt but was able to manage it due to not seeing her very often as we used to have a long distance relationship. Since moving in she is meant to come to us every other weekend, but it usually ends up being every weekend. My partner doesn't drive so when she comes over I have to drive at least 3 and a half hours to pick her up, 6 and a half hour round trip if it's all the way to her house... and from the minute she steps in my car the winging begins. It is from the second she wakes up till she goes to sleep, nothing is ever good enough she always wants more. She doesn't eat any meals I prepare, she just eats crisps and chocolate all day and when I say no my partner says yes which ends up making me look like the bad guy. She is horrible to me. She shouts in my face 'I'm the boss of you' . She screams and cries whenever she doesn't get her own way, even about the tiniest of things like which chair she is sitting in. She has no respect for any items in the house, I have bought a brand new sofa and she jumps on it and eats on it even though I tell her every time on multiple occasions not to. She throws her rubbish at me and tells me to 'put it in the bin' . She cries if someone asks her to say please or thank you. Every time we go to a shop she has to get sweets or a toy , and my partner allows this to happen every time... she never says thank you it's just an expectation now when we go to a shop. I see my partner spend so much money on her and it's never good enough and being around her gives me migraines because it bothers me that much. I am genuinely questioning wether I can put up with this... I don't want to have kids any time soon anymore because I don't want her attitude to rub off on them. She spat on my pillow last week because I told her she wasn't allowed to do something. She is rude to most adults, not just myself. She see's herself as on the same level as adults, rather than the adult having respect and being in charge. I get anxious when she speaks to my family because I'm scared she will say something rude and the way I have been brought up, rudeness from a child or in fact anyone was not tolerated.  I'm resentful that I drive so far to get her here and I don't want to do it anymore for someone who behaves this way toward me. She is nasty to other children whenever I take her somewhere, there is no discipline. She doesn't suffer any consequences. I have her quite a lot when my partner isn't here as he works away, is it acceptable of me to say no to having her and also refusing to go and pick her up? Does that make me a bad person or am I completely within my rights do this? It is making me extremely unhappy and I can't see a way to move forward at the moment as my partner doesn't think her behaviour is 'that bad' . We booked a holiday for the 2 of us for next year and he is saying she has to come, I know daughters always come first but I feel sometimes he is asking to much of me. I chose not to have a child young so I could enjoy the freedom of being young in my twenties. In the space of a year I have lost all that freedom and I'm running around after a child who has zero respect for anyone or anything. Any suggestions? 

Winterglow's picture

The problem is your bf and his lackadaisical notion of what parenting is. The easy solution is to refuse to go and get her. Why doesn't he drive? She's his responsibility, not yours. And why are you going to fetch her every single weekend when the CO says every OTHER weekend? Stop shooting yourself in the foot! 

Winterglow's picture

I missed the part about you being stuck with her when your bf isn't there. Stop that right now! She comes to see her father, not to spend time with his gf. Do not do this any more. Like I said, she's not your responsibility. Also, bear in mind that you have no legal rights over her ... so if she has to go to the doctor, you cannot take her. Supposing she breaks free and runs away? Please cut this nonsense out. Even if you were married, she still wouldn't be your responsibility!

As for taking her on your holiday with you - I suppose he waited until you booked it before deciding to take the child with him, right?

" I am genuinely questioning wether I can put up with this"

Then tell me this - why would you want to? I'd get out now, while you still have your sanity.

SteppedOut's picture

Honestly, none of this will change in meaningful ways and any change will take major effort on YOUR part. 

Your bf is the problem, he is allowing all this AND expecting you to do waaaaaay too much. 

I am sure you love your bf, but love is simply not enough to sustain a healthly happy relationship. 

My best advice is for you to leave the relationship, sooner rather than later.

ndc's picture

This child's behavior is only going to get worse because your boyfriend is a lousy, overly permissive parent. I would refuse to pick up or be left with a child who was so ill behaved and treated me badly. If your boyfriend isn't willing to step up his parenting and get his daughter in line, I'd find a different, preferably childless, boyfriend.

Sparkl3s's picture

Your bf is the problem. Her behavior is going to get worse as she grows. Are they going to expect you to keep doing transportation when you have your own? A drive like that every weekend with an infant/toddler would be my own mini version of hell. 

You deserve to have your needs met and respected a vacation with her sounds like you will be the third wheel. If he isn't ready for a adult relationship he should just say that to you. What do you get out this? 

Dogmom1321's picture

They need to move out ASAP. Your BFs transportation problems are not yours. Do you want to be spending your weekends in your 20s chauffering around a brat? You should be going on road trips instead. I'm sure you love him dearly, but it is simply not enough. Do you want a BF that is a total pushover? Obviously he can't tell his ex "no" to not getting SD every single weekend. And can't tell his own daughter "no" either. He is raising a brat that is only going to get a BIGGER attitude as she gets older. I wouldn't want any part of this. They need to go. 

hereiam's picture

Your partner is an awful parent and an awful partner.

"Dating" someone long distance is not a good way to get to know someone (one can pretend to be anybody), even worse when they have a kid. There is no way for you to really get to know the person, the kid, or the dynamic between the two of them. Now, you are seeing the real situation. Would you have moved in with him had you known?

Why does your partner not drive and, more importantly, why are YOU doing the transportation? It is not your responsibility.  Yes, you are within your rights to NOT pick her up. How did he get her before you moved in?

It is also not your responsibility to have her when your partner is not even there.

Your partner doesn't discipline his daughter or teach her manners and he doesn't think her behavior it that bad. This is who he is. So, do you think things will ever change? They won't. And, she is only 5, it will get much worse.

Now, he expects to bring this brat on your vacation?

Yes, I have a suggestion, dump this loser, take someone else on your vacation.

I wasted some time (and money) on some jerks when I was in my twenties and by the time I started dating my husband, I was 30 and decided to put my foot down. I decided what I would and would not put up with, what I would and wouldn't do for a boyfriend/relationship. I was tired of bending over backwards and feeling like I wasn't getting a return on my investment, just wasted energy (and money). I started to lose respect for myself.

You deserve a relationship in which you are happy, not miserable and dealing with migraines. Certainly not taking on the responsibility of someone elses child, especially when you made the decision to not have kids, yet. Would you really want to have a kid with this man?

Stop wasting your time on this relationship.

SteppedOut's picture

PREACH!

notarelative's picture

You need to be making plans to end this. Figure out housing you live in now. Either he moves out or you break the lease. Whatever the cost of breaking the lease will be worth it to get out of the lease and out of this situation.

Once you live separately, do not succumb to the temptation to date him again. He is not going to magically change. 

Double check whatever method of birth control you are using. Be in charge. The last thing you need is a child with this guy.