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How To Gain Patience

Captn_Jaxn's picture

I feel absolutely terrible for even coming here but I've genuinely run out of options. And im at the point where I feel like im crazy...i love my family but im also just so tired. 


Almost two years ago I walked into a not so easy situation. Let's start from the beginning.

Bio mom (we will call her Jane)  was hardly in the picture and was often MIA doing illegal activities. For the first few months I was in the picture the child never saw Jane nor did Jane ever call. Until it came to holidays. No problem. I was happy to see her trying to mend her relationship with her daughter. 

Inconsistantly over the months Jane made very little effort and I ended up moving in so I just fell in to be whatever Doe (the daughter) needed. And at the time she really needed was someone reliable and honestly just needed a friend. I did what I thought any mother would do and adjusted my schedule for work to be able to accommodate for whatever Doe needed. Things were amazing. Doe was the best friend I had. We did everything together. Talked about everything together. I love this child. 

I couldnt help but feel like the more that I did, the less Doe's father ( my names? Ha) would do. And I noticed after a few months he literally didn't do anything with Doe most days after he got home. Some days he maybe said a handful of words to her...never played with her. Keep in mind I also worked every day, got her up and ready for school, picked her up, did generally everything).It gradually turned into me having Doe all day every day (which I did NOT mind) and about 90% of our weeks were just her and I. 

Until she started hitting her sassy stage. She just turned 6. And i know its a thing most children go through but it was getting to the point where all her and i did was argue all day. It wasnt healthy for either of us. But when i tried talking to Buck, all he would say is that i don't have enough patience... 

It caused so many fights between Buck and I because Doe literally wouldn't listen to me, flat out ignored me, and would yell and throw tantrums. Ive never popped Doe, because Buck and Jane do not allow me to do so. But this rebellion and hateful actions didn't start until Doe started seeing her mother more. Which dont get me wrong, I was glad to see Jane trying, but Doe always came home upset because Jane wouldn't give her attention, or someone was always mean to her. And me being me, I tried to deal with it as long as I could.

I tried talking with Doe about how she was feeling when she would act out. I would have to call Buck every day to let him speak to Doe because she would get that out of hand and all I could do was put her in timeout. 

So generally yall get what im saying...child needed desperate attention when i walked into the picture, and as things progressed i was the only one she was getting real attention from and it wasn't enough for her. Shes a very angry and troubled child (due to her mom being the way she is). 

***And as im writing this im crying...its such a hard thing for me to talk about because I feel so terrible and like I've failed her...***

**Every year Doe goes on a trip with Janes parents for a month.. and when it came time for that trip, I was ready to pull my hair out and push her out the door. Which again, makes me feel terrible to even admit...but every day was a losing battle with no support

prior to Doe leaving, for her trip, we did a "trial run" if you will, seeing how Doe would like living with Jane. It was Does decision because we try not to make her do anything she doesn't want to do(within reason). She wanted to try. Two weeks past and Doe came to us literally crying having a meltdown about how she was lonely and we did the logical thing and told Jane it wasnt gonna work. (This was two weeks before she was to go on her trip).

Well during the time Doe was on said trip, Buck decided (on his own) Doe would be with Jane during the weeks and be with us on the weekends. Told me that I was not a mom. That I was simply a girlfriend. That I didn't have the patience. And it gutted me. I know im not a "real mom" but sure did feel like it. So there is that bit of information for you all to take into account also**

As for most of you im sure, 2020 has not been an easy year. With that being said Doe is now living with Jane. 

Seeing as Doe has never actually lived with Jane this shocked me quite a lot and really upset me that Buck actually went through with it. Not because she "isn't with her father and I anymore" but because I'm worried for her well being and mental health. 

Having just taken Jane to court to get assistance with things with her daughter, we didn't have the money to combat her again. But Jane? Janes mother funds everything on her end for Doe. Everything. Jane does not work. So because Jane wanted Doe there, she took us to court again. And here we are. 

So what was the real reason? I dont have enough patience for Doe, and we cant fight Jane in court currently due to money (per Buck). And i feel like the entire time I've been in this position, I've been very patient. Between Doe, and Buck, and Jane, I've dealt with a LOT mentally and emotionally. And no, I dont have children of my own. But for almost 2 years I did what I thought a mother would do and tried my best only to feel like ive failed Doe... and i feel like as a father Buck gave up, because as soon as i found out we might be going to court I immediately started searching for funds to do so. Obviously my efforts in 80% of this relationship have been pointless.

All of this is frustrating and upsetting to me. And Buck and i now fight over things to do with Jane and Doe. And part of me just completely wants to remove myself from the situation. But it isnt because Doe doesn't live with us? Its a combination of feeling disrespected, unappreciated and mentally broken...

I guess I dont know what I'm asking...i really just needed to vent. I hope it makes sense and I tried to fit as much in as simply and as short as I could...but i just feel like im crazy because I now feel like I shouldn't be in my house on the weekends due to Doe being 98% defiant with me and me having to practically be mute and not getting to enjoy my family because I literally don't know how to interact with Doe now...


I'm really hoping I didn't leave out any crucial information and im open for any and all advice and questions and tips. 

JRI's picture

You've been super patient with the whole situstion, i really applaud you.

I'm angry for you that Buck isn't giving you the respect and support you deserve.  How dare he have the nerve to blame his problems on your " lack of patience".  I don't know what Jane's problem is, either.  She appears to be a negligent, absentee mother and he seems detached and willing to dump all childcare on you.  I feel sorry for Doe, too.

Captn, are you positive you want to be in this relationship?   So often, when we read a similar story, we hear the poster saying, " but he is so wonderful, I love him so much, etc etc".  I don't see that here and you say you are fighting and miserable.  I think I'd say I gave it my best shot and let this one go.

I know you are unhappy, I feel so bad for you when you've tried so hard.  But I don't see this working out and you deserve better.  Good luck.

TooTired's picture

From what you've said you've been more than patient with not only Doe but Jane and Buck as well! Buck has no right to dump all responsibility on you and then tell you you're doing it wrong. If Buck knows what a horrible person Jane is, why would he so easily agree for Doe to go live with her? Are you and Buck married? If not, what is holding you to this relationship? It sounds like you've given everything you have into this only to receive disrespect and to be taken advantage of and that's not ok.