How Do Your Get Your Ex Involved
Ok I have been divorced now for awhile, and while I stated I'm giving up on my ex, I just wonder how many of you have ex's who stopped being interested in their kids.
My ex was a good father while we were married, but once divorced its like we never existed. Almost every holiday when I've called to see if they want to see the kids, he and his wife are going out of town. This XMAS their going for two weeks on vacation and to see her family. Its always excuses, but the bottom line is he could care a less. I went through a lot of anger, and though his new wife is fine shes just as indifferent. My dh even suggested for me to move closer to my family (another state) which I'm planning to. I stopped calling them and haven't received any calls, zip about our kids. Let me add he does pay good child support, but could I even make him visit his own children?
I know their planning to have a child, and it just floors me especially when he wrote off his own. Is anyone else in this predictament?
Thats what my friends and
Thats what my friends and family say. A few of my friends have the nightmare of the children going back and fourth and many other problems with the new wife ect. BUT I can't say they've been mean or his new wife even a B. BUT we've been totally ignored! I have to iniate every call because their always gone or busy. I know my dh suggested me to move so he could be rid of me and his guilt. Thats the only reason. Its just so hard seeing my poor kids ask for their dad though now their getting used to it. I have been trying to look at the positive, but on days like this it still makes me mad.
Try to be open and honest with them.
Do not for any reason make excuses for him .That is for him to do. Someday he will want to be a part of there life and you know what that someday will hurt him more then you think. Because by that time they are going to be to busy for him. Grandkids all that, will be his loss. Its not your responsibility to make him be a father, it is his. So smile.. Someday when your kids are older you will reep the benefits and he will loose and then you can smile and say the cath all phrase of OOPS I TOLD YOU SO...
Smile honey it will all be just fine for you..
I agree..
It is going to be his loss in the end.. My mom raised us kids without our father.. And to tell you the truth I think I we all turned out pretty good.. And my father who is Florida is the father of 4 kids and not one of us talk to him.. So it will be ok. You can be mom and dad..
Thanks Happy
I suppose I'm still in shell shock because how can a man just write off the first family. My girlfriend who is in a second marriage has a husband who treats their child great. Good father ect. Well about a year ago I found out he left his 1st wife and two kids, moved out of state and rarely talks with them. Even worse he hasn't paid all his child support. YET is a great father to her kids, so how can that be? And yes I have been mom and dad and will continue to do so, but as sexist as this sounds I don't think men bond with the children like women do. Now if he had a child with this one and divorced I know he would move on also. Guess the big O is what rules much of the time! Also, in our marriage there was no indication he was this type of person that would write off his own kids, but I bet if he divorced again with kids he'd do the same. I'm just saying if there were red flags back then I wouldn't have married the idiot. Ok done venting now! lol
Same for your friend..
If he did it once he may do it again for the kids sake I hope not but you never know..
Read my other post..
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink..
Sorry to hear of your situation. The thoughts that were running through my head are:
1. Is it too painful for your x to see his kids? I know some men really can't handle at all their kids not living with them, or the rejection of divorce, that all together they just move on without fostering a relationship with their children. I'm not justifying it, I'm just saying this is a thought.
2. Have you had the kids talk to him over the phone? How does he respond to their voices?
3. Have you spoken with a counselor to see if they have any ideas for you to incorporate so that your kids get to see their dad?
4. It might be suggested that I'm nuts for asking, but have you drove to his community one day and just dropped in with his kids to see what type of reaction he would have if he saw them in person? Sometimes out of sight means out of mind.
I think a lot of men just shut down after something traumatic happens. I don't know your ex, nor am I standing up for his lack of involvment, but maybe he is in just so much pain over the divorce that he just can't handle it.
My dh had a child in his teens, and the bm of that child refused to share the child with him. He spent several thousand dollars on a lawyer, established a parenting plan, and still no visitations. Whenever he showed up to pick up his daughter, she would drive off with the baby, and her friends would hold the baby bottle out the window while flipping him off. They thought it was a joke.
Last year, the bm of my ss ran into this vile woman, and my ss got to meet my dh's long lost daughter (my dh allowed her step father to adopt her). I asked my dh if he was ever interested in meeting his daughter..and he asked me "why would I want to reopen all those old wounds?" She babysits four house down from our house, and my dh has zero desire to meet her b/c his heart is so hurt from the vile things her mother did to my dh. I have only seen my dh cry once in 10 years, and it was over his daughter. To this day, that woman tells people that my dh abandoned her and he was a total deadbeat. I'm not saying that you have done these things, I'm just explaining why my dh doesn't do what I would have expected him to do.
Sometimes when men do things, and we don't understand, we rush to say he is a deadbeat, or he just wrote them off. I would say one thing about your ex, and that he hasn't financially abandoned them, and you said he was a good dad when you were married, those are two very positive attributes and I have hope for your kids that he will come around. Perhaps he is suffering inside, and he chooses to not pursue his relationship (sad). But maybe there is more you can do to help your kids. It isn't fair, and my heart aches for your kids.
I hope I inspired you to look further into your situation to see if there is anything you can do. Please keep us posted. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope your children get to see their dad soon.
Bests,
Candice
I never could.
My ex-husband left when I was pregnant, supposedly because he suddenly realized he didn't want to be a husband and father. I invited him to all my prenatal check-ups, sonograms, etc. I told him he could be at the birth. I told him he would have total access to the child. He didn't want any of it. The only time I ever saw him after we separated was when our son was around two. He was in the checkout line at Wal-Mart and we were walking by. He saw us and bolted. Left his stuff on the checkout counter, didn't say a word to the cashier, just flew out of the store. Not a big surprise that he signed the papers without so much as a comment when my new husband wanted to adopt the boy. He's probably never even told his new wife that he had a son.
I never knew why he didn't want to be a part of his son's life and I never will. It's unfathomable, especially when I see how hard it is for my new husband to be separated from his kids from his previous marriage. It's a question that my son will ask one day and I will not have the answer. I think you've tried and the ball is in his court. Maybe the best you can do is just be honest with the kids and tell them that you simply don't know the reason for the change, but that whatever the reason, it's not their fault.
~ Anne ~
Unfortunately, it's not just the men that do this
It's always a shame when a parent does not take an active role in lives of their child/children. I know this all too well being that my own father seemed to forget the existance of my brother & I. Not that it is less harmful to a child when the father isn't involved, but I find it beyond words when it's the BM that has gone missing from her childrens' lives. I have been with my BF for over a year & have been dealing with his ex's lack of interest in their childrens' lives & well being. He has custody of his 3 children & has ALWAYS encouraged his DW to stay active & involved. (Though that is in contrast to her warpped thinking.) In the over 3 years that they have been seperated & divorced, she has not only played games with the childrens' hearts by being in & (mostly) out of their lives, but also with their heads by bashing their father & I when she has found time to spend with them. She seems to go through (very) short periods of being around & active, which is great for everyone... until she goes "missing" again & my BF & I have to deal with the mess of emotions that she has left behind. I know it is not my place to say anything to my BF's ex, but I wish there was something he could say (that he hasn't already said a million times) which would make his ex see what she is doing to the children mentally, which isn't very evident, at least at this time, with their sons, but is so obvious in their daughter. It breaks my heart to have to see that pained, sad look in her eyes when she goes through life's "up's & down's" & needs the support & understanding that only a mother can give, but can not get considering the situation. Don't get me wrong, I try my best to help out where ever & when ever she needs me, but she needs her mother.... as do her brothers. I just don't understand how a woman that carried children for 9 months & then lived, loved & cared for these children for the next 9 years could just forget them. It floors me that she continues to behave & act the way she does... without any regard for her children. I guess I just expected differently from a mother... but I guess it doesn't matter what sex a parent is sometimes. I hope & pray that something... ANYTHING... will change on her end for the positive... for the sake of the children. Divorced parents (mothers, as well as fathers) need to remember that they divorced their spouse... not their children!!!
not just all men do it
well let me start by saying women can be just as cold as men can be me and my ex wife have been separated for months and she does not call or come by and see the kids cause she thinks she is better off being a botty call. i did everything i could to let her have the children and notta until i shut my phone off and she calls me at work and she calls my parents house wanting to talk to me. and crying to her sis cause she cant talk to her kids. and she wants to take them every once in awhile she doesn't pay nothing for them diapers or even day care she doesn't work she rather drink. she is about to go to prison and coming close to court and now she wants something to do with them what should i do? im 25 and never been threw this it kills me to have her use the kids for her benefits and only come around when it is convent for her but it also hurts me her not having anything to do with the children
Toxic people
I think people like that are just toxic & it's better off not having them around. I didn't have a relationship with my BioF, but I'm glad he wasn't around. He was having an affair on my mom while she was pregnant & denied I was his child (I read the letter he wrote to his girlfriend... my mother found it before he sent it.) Really, that man could have screwed my head up. No doubt he would have just to hurt my mother. I'm better off without him.
Hipi
I think..
sometimes it's a guilt thing. My daughter's father is an alcoholic and he just can't get his sh*t together. He sleeps all day and has a girlfriend he lives with that he constantly argues with. So by MY choice I've decided she can't see him unless he comes to where I live or take her out in the town I live in. there is no supervision whatsoever, and I'm not comfortable with that. He doesn't even call her to say hi, doesn't keep in touch. In my case I dont think he feels guilty, I think his priorites are drinking, sleeping, and arguing with his new girlfriend. I'm not a psycho ex either, I would be more than willing to let him see her anytime he wanted if he got his act together, but until then she can't spend any time with him at his place. It breaks my heart and I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing but I feel like I have to protect her from that situation over at his house.