Help/Advice Full time step-mom and soon to be FTM
So a little BG: I grew up in a sheltered cult, I left and met my husband. He was my first real relationship; I knew he had a son but I had nannyed my nieces and nephews was their favorite aunt so I really thought I knew what I was getting in to. None of my friends/family had dated someone with a kid so I didn't have someone to ask and naively thought I knew.
My husband shared 50/50 custody with his ex while we were dating. When we got engaged and married BM crazy came out! She got arrested for trespassing/theft, DUI. Multiple mental health/drug detox hospitalizations by the police but never long enough. There was a lot of DCFS we nvolvement and for the first 2-3years this woman got away with everything. BM severely injured her son (8) and DCFS just said she didn't meant to do it; no mention of neglecting medical care on multiple occasions. I was extremely worried about ss and stepped into every role. I quit my job when our lawyer recommended it to take care of him I drove an hour twice a day to take him to and from school. I volunteered at his school because he wanted me to. Signed him up for extracurricular activities, scheduled play dates, took him to dentist, dr appointments, watched him when husband took classes for fun went to men's group. I did everything! We have had full custody for over 3 yrs.
Last year I suffered a miscarriage I had been so excited about that pregnancy. I tried to involve ss, we told him first and he acted excited he had been asking me for years to adopt him and another boy. After my miscarriage he was just rude and never said anything sympathetic.
Now I am pregnant again and so excited but scared to death of another miscarriage. I am 14 weeks but really don't want to tell ss. I can't stand to be around him! He used to be a sweet kid but now he is just a brat. I know that some of this is hormones for me pregnancy and for him (13). If I asked him to do something he either blatantly ignores me mouths off or does a half ass job. His dad will tell him to not talk back and be respectful but then ss will buddy up to his dad and it's all forgotten. Ss has 1 chore a day if that and they mostly clawing up after himself. I know he learned manipulative behaviors from BM and I am worried he has mental issues like his BM. I absolutely love my husband he is thoughtful and considerate but then I think he has dad guilt and gives in to son all the time!! He almost never asks ss to do his chores or anything. If they are together all they do is watch tv.
Anytime my husband and I go out I have to find a babysitter, I have to take ss on vacations with me or when I visit my family. This would be ok but ss thinks he doesn't need to listen, ask or respect me whenever we are with my family. My family is easy on him because his BM . He has not seen biomom in close to 3yrs.
Sorry this is so long but I don't know what to do. Reading other posts I know now that it was wrong of me to take on everything. How do I talk to my husband? I just want to focus on my pregnancy and not have to deal with ss. I feel bad and I feel like everyone is just going to think I'm an evil step-mom.