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Help me! I need advice!

Nat 64's picture

Sad My husband have been married for 5 years. I have two kids from my first marriage and he has 2. Everything was great until my husband's ex moved out of state. My SD's visit's have gone from bad to worse (SS is away at college and has not been a problem till now) . The visits hit rock - bottom a year ago. My SD came here, screamed and cursed for days. Stole my underwear, trashed the coat closet hiding, my things under boxes in the back. My husband did nothing. On her next visit - which I objected to because of the last disaster, was horrible. Weeks before, SD threatened her father - you must pick between me and them (me and my kids) My husband solved that problem by taking her out and not letting me or my kids come. Last month, my husband tells me that his daughter is coming back with her mother in their old house. The next thing I know is that she is on a plane coming the next day and going to stay with us for three, weeks - her mother isn't coming. I said No! He lied to me and now she had to finally admit what she did. She called her brother who left me a message trashing my kids and posted on facebook that he never liked me. I am so mad at my husband - his kids have made him feel so guilty. I was always good to them - going to games, concerts, doing hw and projects with them. I took my SD shopping, got to know all her friends and took them out. Now this is how I am being treated. My husband is amazing with my kids. They have a great relationship and he is really a good responsible parent to them. He refuses to parent his kids. This is destroying our marriage. It is ridiculous because they are 18 and 21 and live on the other side of the country. They have done so much damage that my husband and I are constantly fighting. Did I mention that his ex has been trashing me to my husband's family! Sorry so long, but I need to vent and need some advice. Thanks!

Kes's picture

Considering your SKIDs are both adults, I don't see why you should agree to either of them even coming to visit at your house until they are prepared to behave politely and stop this infantile way of carrying on such as posting things about you on FB. In my opinion FB is an evil thing and should be banned (maybe thats a bit extreme), but it only causes conflict and competition between people.
I would suggest that if you don't think your SKIDS can be trusted to behave when they visit, your DH can put them up at a local hotel at his expense and go out and do things with them on his own, or he can travel to wherever they live to see them. I realise that this might make you feel more excluded, but honestly, if I thought my SD was going to come and trash and steal my things I would not want her over the threshold of my house, until I was sure she had mended her ways. I can understand why you and your DH are fighting - it is the same with us, the only thing we EVER fight about is BM or the SKIDS. I would also suggest you read these two articles which appeared somewhere else on the forum, about how stepmothers get a rougher time than stepfathers.Maybe DH could read them too.

donna123's picture

Such a familiar situation. SD has drawn a line in the sand as is making her dad choose sides—it’s either me, or her. Now she is in the process of soliciting sympathy under false pretences by making it look like no one likes you (SS) not because of your role (truth) because you are fundamentally flawed and wicked.(not true) Now having done that does it even occur to SD that she is attempting to divide your marriage? No.

These adults have not an inkling of an idea at just how profoundly damaging their spewing their unprocessed aggression is to your self-esteem. That is because they come and shit in your house, they leave and the mess doesn’t go with them to their homes and marriages, it stays with you. Now, every time you pass the closet you remember your SD trashing it; every time you go out into the yard, you remember your SD hiding your things; every time Christmas rolls around you remember her turning up her nose and calling your gifts trash …and on it goes.

Memories are triggered by sights, smells, and sounds and your home, that should be your sanctuary now feels unsafe and has many bad memories associated with it. Think of it like a house fire. It is traumatic, the memory remains, you even think you can smell it, even though other people say they can’t and then the rumination begins.

Your territory has been contaminated by an adult who despises you, has zero respect for you, and makes no bones about showing you just exactly how much she hates your guts despite anything you do and your husband doesn’t even seem to notice. Believe me, when the male territory is invaded similarly, they respond exactly the same way females do and your husband not understanding it is because it has yet to be put into language that he can understand.

Also neither SS nor SD would allow that kind of outside interference and disrespect in their marriages and homes, that includes coming from dad. If you or dad went into their homes and helped yourselves to their things without asking first, or demanded that SS or SD choose between their spouse and their dad, they would laugh in his face and give him the boot.

BM is way out of line and trashing all kinds of boundaries by entering ex spouse’s family to gossip about you in an attempt to solidify forces against you to prove that poor innocent little SD is being persecuted by you for no reason at all. Your husband should put a stop to the EX gossiping into his family right now. That should be the easiest step in resolving this issue, but if he is a very private person and in denial, he will have trouble opening up and telling his family the issues (he isn’t a super dad after all) and asking for their cooperation by not picking sides based on nothing more than gossip.

Until dad enforces the family hierarchy with you and he as equal partners life will be difficult indeed.

Nat 64's picture

Thank you all so much! I need to see that other people have "been there, done that!" My husband certainly has to see this more. He did blast his family, but my sister - in - laws are a different story. They were told years ago to stop their gossiping, but it has gotten worse. His ex is a real problem - she made a mess out of her life, got pregnant by a man who lives on the other side of the country and relocated her family there.except for her son who she abandoned the day he turned 18, and her daughter has resented everyone since. They all need help . I am sick of being their punching bag!