TO HAVE OR HAVE NOT
WANTED TO GET YOU FEEDBACK ON MY LIFE DILEMMA:
I am a stepmom for the last 2 years. I am also a lawyer and an artist who moved to the burbs with my husband a few years ago from urban life. I am 9 years younger than my husband, who has 2 kids (9 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy) from his previous marriage. Ex lives nearby. We have 1 week on, 1 week off custody. Needless to say, ex is a wack job, but we have a fine relationship and I have a great relationship with the kids.
Needless to say, I never thought I would be in this position (aka STEPMOM) in my life. It has greatly impacted my own decision to have bio kids. I don't think that if I had stepkids, I would hesitate in having my own - but now, my emotions are "skewed" somewhat and I don't have any "gut instinct" to have bio kids. My husband wants me to do whatever makes me happy. I don't know what that is. I know that I greatly influence my stepkids lives, but I don't LOVE them - they don't make me glow or feel any of those things, and I don't feel guilty about it.
I guess my "question" is - how do you know if it's the right thing for you to have bio kids when we have a great life now, with 1 week on and 1 week off and the kids are getting older and be out of the house "soon?" I just don't want to turn around in 10 years and feel like I missed out on having kids.
Thank you, everybody.
I've struggled with this
I've struggled with this myself. I used to "know" I wanted to have kids until I became a SM. Then....I was kind of like "Hmm, this is all very over rated." Then I got angry that the experience of a SM stole the fun, excitement, and mystery/cluelessness out of becoming a mother. I suppose no one knows what they are getting into ahead of time because people may not reproduce!! Anyway, I do not love my skids and I worry that I will not love/bond with a child of my own. I don't know how old you are but for me things changed in the last six to twelve months about having a family. I have witnessed my friends who are the most un-maternal like creatures have children and I can see a new love in them for their kids. I am ready to settle down and give up some of the "freedom". I have decided to not let the skids taint what could be the best thing in the world. It's still scary....
I don't believe that having a
I don't believe that having a child is ever a bad decision. I also do not believe that not having children is ever a bad decision. I know, I am a big help aren’t I? :?
My wife and I have been married for 16+ years. My SS just turned 18 and finished HS in May of this year. My wife and I have no joint spawn.
Though not artistic attorneys we are both graduate degreed professionals with reasonably successful careers. We have a pretty good life.
I love kids and would love to have another one. But, I also love the idea of early retirement and chasing my wife around the destinations of the world. At 46, pushing 47, I am beginning to lean more heavily in the direction of early retirement.
But, my wife is only 35 and the decision to have another kid, or not, is ultimately hers.
Either way I would be thrilled.
If you have a good life things will work out fine either way you decide to go.
Enjoy.
Best regards,
I agree with what2due 100%.
I agree with what2due 100%. And I never would have known unless I had "one". And it amazes me with all the crap she's done that I still love her like no other, totally unconditionally love. My 100% beneficiary too. And I actually try to accumulate wealth so it will be there for her.
My advice is that when you
My advice is that when you really want kids you will know. You sound like you are happy with your life and don't need a child to feel whole. I didn't plan either of my children and I wonder if I would have had children had I planned it out. You will never regret having one but they do take up a lot of time, energy, emotions which can be good and bad. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Good luck with your decision, either way you go.
OMG, coolstepmamma I too am
OMG, coolstepmamma I too am struggling with the same thing. I just turned 30 and am getting married in 5 months and am SM to 7yo SS. Until I met him, and before we moved in together i wanted my own bio kids .. preferably 2 - girl & boy :-). Now that i feel the life getting sucked out of me, not only EOW but also the days leading up to his visits I don't know if i want them, especially as my FH's 'been there, done that'.
We're both college educated professionals as well and live comfortably so $ isn't a deterance in our situation. He says he's happy whatever i decide, and reminds me that it would be different this time, he wasn't with BM while she was preggo & started talking to her again just to see his son be born. (it was a casual relationship & she was 3 months preggo before she called him up & said - u're a dad & u have no choice).
I'm sorry, i know this doesn't help answer your question, but you're not the only one. I find that i totally baby my 2 year old doggy more and more wonder will i still be completely in love & maternal towards my own baby or not? I also don't want to take away from a baby by having his father driving hours away to get his son (BM is court ordered to not move farther away for now) instead of spending time with his chosen family.
I really do hope that it's like steptwins says and no matter what you will love them unconditionally.
I was actually the opposite.
I was actually the opposite. I wasn't sure about kids until I became a stepmom. I never thought I was capable of loving little bihs as much as I do my two ss5. I hate that I have no real say in how they are raised. Their mom spoils them rotten and is trying to turn them against us. It breaks my heart when they leave. I want to be mommy to someone and have that special connection with my own son or daughter