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Future mom to boy who's bio mom is terminal

futuremom92's picture

My fiancé has a son who he doesn't really know but his ex just found out she is terminal. She only has like 6 months left. I am going to bootcamp for the Marines and after that he and I are getting married. I don't know how to deal with this situation. Mom wants to meet me this next week and I am kinda freaking out. I have no kids of my own and now here within a year I could be a step mom to a 9 year old boy who I don't know. Does anyone have any advice or tips or anything? Like I said, I am freaking out. I have always wanted to be a mother but IDK! I mean obviously I would be a mother to the kid. I just don't know how to handle it all. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

P.S. Sorry if its a bit scattered my head is all kinds of spinning right now.

Erinkucera's picture

I so agree that if it's possible any transition would be gradual. Very difficult in this case. Obviously after boot camp you will be working full time, so whatever happens you all will need a ton of support. THat being said, this little boy is about to go through one of the worst things that can happen in a man's life. Everyone who can be there for him even a little bit should be.

notasm3's picture

Since you will be married and in the military I suggest that you reach out see what services are provided there. I think that would be a good place to start as all too many children of military parents have had to deal with the loss of a parent.

futuremom92's picture

We were planning on getting married before I went into the Marines but they told us it would be better to wait till I am in. It saves ALOT of paperwork and stuff. That is the reason I am waiting. He is prior marine so he is my BIGGEST supporter. He has been helping me EVERY step of the way!

I will not leave the Marines. Family is a priority but he understands that Marines are first and foremost right now. He would obviously be the main parent. He works from home so he would be steady support for him. I wouldn't have to worry about child care because he works from home. There are only EXTREMELY rare scenarios that he has to travel and that is MAYBE once every few YEARS. My biggest stress right now is what is best for the kid, obviously. This is something I want to be apart of. I just want to be the best I can be for this kid. I am scared that I am going to fuck up BIG time. I have watched kids before but babysitting/nannying and being a mom/stepmom/parent is something completely different I know. I just really don't want to mess up. I know that everything in my life is about to change. I am getting married, becoming a Marine, and a step mother assuming the Drs are correct. I know that life as I know it is about to get crazy and hectic. No I don't think I am ready for it all but at the same time I know that I will never be ready for it. Yes all at once is ALOT but I think, this may sound crazy, that it has all come to my life for a reason. What that reason is I have NO IDEA! God put me here. In this situation for a reason. Just have to figure out what I'm gonna do.

I probably sound young and naive. Just so everyone knows I am 24. Im not 18 or 19. I know I'm still young. And most people on here probably have more life experience. So I am heading your advice. I am nervous. I am scared out of my mind but IDK. I am still weighing all my options right now. So ya. Thank you for the advice. I am really looking at everything. Thank you.

hurtingbad.13's picture

LISTEN TO HEAVEN LIKE. I was in similar situation. Gave up my dream to marry husband and take care of his six year old. It is not an easy path not then and not now 47 years later plus throw in my recent ordeal.

hereiam's picture

I think your fiancé should take the time, before getting married, to get to know his son and help him deal with the loss of his mother.

This is A LOT for ALL of you to take on at one time. It would be hard enough, but the fact that your fiancé doesn't really know his son, well, you have no idea what that dynamic will be, what this kid is like, how he will grieve or act out. He may be very resentful that his mom is gone and he's left with a dad that has not been in his life. It really may be more than you signed up for and only time will tell. Would you be willing to postpone the wedding, if need be?

This is one of those times that for now, maybe for awhile, the dad's focus should be on his son, if he wants to be a part of his life and build a relationship.

Rags's picture

Just keep your head in the game, set your personal boundaries, and stick with them. That includes behavioral standards for all involved. It is a sad what this young man and his BM are dealing with and stability will be critical to his ability to cope and work effectively through the grieving process.

Good luck and thanks for your service.

futuremom92's picture

We were planning on getting married before I went into the Marines but they told us it would be better to wait till I am in. It saves ALOT of paperwork and stuff. That is the reason I am waiting. He is prior marine so he is my BIGGEST supporter. He has been helping me EVERY step of the way!

I will not leave the Marines. Family is a priority but he understands that Marines are first and foremost right now. He would obviously be the main parent. He works from home so he would be steady support for him. I wouldn't have to worry about child care because he works from home. There are only EXTREMELY rare scenarios that he has to travel and that is MAYBE once every few YEARS. My biggest stress right now is what is best for the kid, obviously. This is something I want to be apart of. I just want to be the best I can be for this kid. I am scared that I am going to fuck up BIG time. I have watched kids before but babysitting/nannying and being a mom/stepmom/parent is something completely different I know. I just really don't want to mess up. I know that everything in my life is about to change. I am getting married, becoming a Marine, and a step mother assuming the Drs are correct. I know that life as I know it is about to get crazy and hectic. No I don't think I am ready for it all but at the same time I know that I will never be ready for it. Yes all at once is ALOT but I think, this may sound crazy, that it has all come to my life for a reason. What that reason is I have NO IDEA! God put me here. In this situation for a reason. Just have to figure out what I'm gonna do.

I probably sound young and naive. Just so everyone knows I am 24. Im not 18 or 19. I know I'm still young. And most people on here probably have more life experience. So I am heading your advice. I am nervous. I am scared out of my mind but IDK. I am still weighing all my options right now. So ya. Thank you for the advice. I am really looking at everything. Thank you.

Loxy's picture

I applaud you wanting to do right by this kid but at the risk of sounding condescending you really have no idea what you're about to get into. No one does until you do it of course but almost all of us doing it would not choose to do it again if we could go back in time. However hard you think it might be - multiple it by 10 and that might be more realistic.

As a result, I strongly recommend you postpone your wedding until you really understand what you're committing to. This child's whole world is about to implode with his mother's death and then he has to move in with two strangers. There's an excellent chance he will act out and it's going to be very rough for everyone involved.