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Feeling second best to BM

Melody2019's picture

Hey guys,

I don't know what to do with myself and it's driving me nuts. So, my DH and the BM have a history together spanning 12 years and three children. They split five years ago and have been attempting to co-parent ever since. Both of them have had other partners since their split. I have been in DH's life for three years and we've only been married for six months. I'm still new to step-parenting and it's been a massive adjustment for me to go from single to suddenly married with children. I struggle with the changes in my life but I haven't packed up and left because I love my DH and can see how much he is trying to make it all work.. that's where the problem is.

 

Recently, my DH smacked my oldest SS12 after he was caught punching his brother in the back during an argument. SS12 has then gone to school and told them he was being abused and that I did not feed them when we had them on the weekends and that I locked the bathroom doors at night so they couldn't go to the bathroom (all of which is completely untrue). The school then called Child Safety (no blame towards them for acting on what they were told) and this caused serious friction in our household. I felt upset over the accusations and the ramifications it could have on my employment. Out of frustration, I told my DH that I didn't want the kids staying over anymore. He immediately shot this down and while I do realise I was speaking out of anger, it had me thinking on why. When I asked him if he shot the idea down because he genuinely wanted the children over or if he didn't want to upset the BM, he said 'both'. We has an argument over this, whereby he said he didn't want to deal with her drama.

 

I know I am over-reacting, I can feel it. I just can't help this feeling like my happiness and feelings come second best to appeasing the BM. While I know my DH does not have any romantic feelings towards BM anymore (it was not a good break up), I feel like I will always be second to her feelings. I could have accepted if him saying no to my rant was solely for the children, given I would never ban them from the house, but i'm struggling with the idea that I am second to her. I never saw myself being in a blended family style relationship when I was younger and I can't help thinking that i've let myself down.

 

I love DH so much but I don't know if I can keep doing this. Feeling like I'm some kind of placeholder. We don't have any children of our own and i'm starting to not like my Skids cause of the drama and stress they continue to cause. None of us are enjoying the time we have together so why do we keep pretending?

 

How do I stop feeling like i'm second or less important? BM's partner just left her after 4 years citing the situation and I'm starting to feel like maybe he saw something I didn't?

 

Help!

tog redux's picture

So what will be done about the kids lying to the school? Do you think BM was behind it?  Why did the kid lie about you when it was DH who hit him?

i agree that without DH having your back, this is a problem, especially if it can affect your job. He needs to take seriously that false allegations can cost you your job and cost him custody. 

How often are the kids there? I would no longer do any parenting of them and for sure, don’t be left alone with them.  I’d also consider whether or not I can stay with a man who doesn’t take this seriously. 

Melody2019's picture

Hey!

 

Thankfully SS12 came clean about the lies when child safety spoke to him. He’s not a bad kid, he’s just undisciplined and craves attention. It looks like he was embellishing to play the victim to his friends and one of them went to the teachers. I don’t believe BM was behind it but she certainly didn’t stop from gossiping about it to the rest of his family.

 

we only have them EOWE but it’s enough to make me pull my hair out. They’re usually good towards me, just fight with each other that causes all the headaches but this came out of no where and really hurt since I go to the effort of asking what they want for dinner and making it for them on their time with us

Rags's picture

What do you mean "he is not a bad kid"?  He is a bad kid. He is a violent liar who is a severe threat to your career. That is far from not being a bad kid.

I would sit down and go over the facts of the situation and the threat that this kid is to your career, marrige, yours and DH's reputation, etc.... and let DH know that .... no more home visits.  If he is not in your home, he can't be not fed, abused, etc....

Any visits should be at restaurants and the receipts kept proving that he is fed.

I would not ever again allow this little shit to be a threat to your home, career, etc.....

Just my thoughts of course.

Take care of you.

Kes's picture

To be honest, I think that feeling second best is the least of your problems.  You said yourself that the false accusations could have ramifications on your employment.   Your first priority is protecting yourself against spurious child abuse accusations which could ruin your life.  Make sure you're never left alone with DH's kids.  I had to do this early on when NPD BM made false claims about DH abusing the kids.  I told him I wasn't prepared for her to try that with me, and from then on I wouldn't be alone with them even for 5 minutes, and I never have been.  

Feeling second best is par for the course for too many step parents.  You need to start advocating for yourself - as I wish I had, all those years ago.  It might not have changed the way NPD BM and the SKIDs behaved, but it would have given me more self respect. 

Rags's picture

By definition you are not second best to BM.  You are your DHs present and future. BM is his past.  She is irrelevent other than as the wombdonor for his spawn.  She is obviously also a shitty parent. The Skids are with you EOWE.  She is the primary parental influence and she has raised a violent lying manipulative little shit whose lies have caused a significant threat to your life, livlihood, and marriage.

You have nothing to feel inferior about in comparision to that POS.

Harry's picture

If they called CPS on me.  It will take years to get over it.  What will happen if he tells another story at school.  You want to be In the news 

fourbrats's picture

ask your husband not to smack one of the kids again. That is typically enough to have CPS come out without the embellishments. And it is really pointless "I am going to hit you because you are hitting your brother" really doesn't work and just causes a vicious cycle. And at that age taking away privileges, gaming, electronics, time with friends etc is much more effective. Even those who believe in spanking generally agree that it should end before the preteen years start and you said "smack" so I am assuming this was an open-hand slap or other physical contact and not a spanking.