Fathers with daughters need your side
Hi everyone,
I'm trying to see where men are coming from when it comes to their daughters. I know multiple wives/ SM who have issues with their DH and their daughters. A lot of wives/DM feel neglected, underappreciated, over looked, and frustrated. This comes from their DH in many instances choosing their daughter over their wives and/or other children with their wives. It's very frustrating when you move on from your BM and decide to get married and perhaps have more children with someone else and your daughter is still top priorty. There should be some division of your attention/ love/ effort etc. So, my question is are you doing this without knowing? Have you thought about this? Has your wife brought this to your attention and you've gotten defensive? Why if you've made the decisions such as getting married/re-married or have more children are they not as big of priority in your life? I'm trying to get your point of view from this stand point. Myself as well as others on this forum, neighbors with this issue, friends etc. and I would really love to know your though process. It might help us understand things a little bit or even help or something instead of keeping the jealousy, resentment build and in general negative feelings out of the relationship with you or your daughter.
Signed Curious wife/ step-mom
I'm not a father...lol. But,
I'm not a father...lol. But, I guess I might turn around the question and ask why women have such low thresholds for treatment in relationships? We get less if we demand less. We settle for men that aren't emotionally available. We settle for men that aren't financially stable and unable to provide us with any financial benefit (I mean even reciprocal.. we can buy them a gift.. they can't do the same or won't for us). We settle for gaslighters and emotional abusers. We settle for the crumbs. Why? Why do we have more kids with a man who is a poor parent to the one(s) he already has?!? It's not that I'm sayiing that "we know what we are getting into".. but so many move so quickly into the relationship (even in non-step kid situations) that we are "in" and vested into the relationship where leaving becomes difficult.
My guesses on the men's actions. First, they may not know how to be emotionally healthy and how to parent these girls. There is guilt from splitting the family even if it may not be that they wanted there to be the split or caused it. They often have less custody time so try to make up for the lack of full time interaction and they don't naturally relate to little girls so treat them like princesses? Fear of losing the love of their chil
ESMOD - your last para sums
ESMOD - your last para sums it up. There is guilt from the split even though they may not have initiated the split like my DH didn't. He was consumed with the need to be his daughters friend and not to alienate them and their narcissistic mother. So I got kicked to the curb because he figured he didn't have to try so hard with me as he did with them. His massive fear was not seeing his daughters any more, he didn't realise that if he set healthy boundaries for their behaviour it would be the better for both him and them in the long run.
I have thought about some of
I have thought about some of that. At least in situations I know personally and have been told there weren't signs beforehand. With my DH him having a daughter was perfect because I had one also so it was great, he knows the struggle, kids can play together it's great. It worked. Fast forward you get married, have another child and the daughter is top priority. Same as I know of a few others. Even voicing your concerns to your DH doesn't help because there comes frustration and defensiveness. You may not necessarily think or know you're signing up for crumbs until you're already in it. Some don't think beforehand I'm signing up for the step parent role than yes that's on them, but there are some who were open minded until reality sets in and there's no distribution of energy. Yes, the lack of custody/ time does have a lot to do with it and guilt too. But princess treatment can take it over the edge for some. There's no reason for a man to be tough on one BC who because they live with them, but bow down to the other because they don't live with them. When the child who had their dad around is older and sees a certain treatment, wouldn't that click with them and potentially cause friction or resentment to dad or sister? I'm just wondering the mind frame or is it even a thought?
I find that men are greatly
I find that men are greatly motivated by conflict avoidance. They will take the path of least resistance. Even more so do they seem to shy away from emotionally charged discussions and hysterics. So, they cater to their daughter partially to "win" against the EX... partially because they are overcompensating for guilt. (of having another child) or even threats from their EX if they don't do certain things for them/the daughter. The current wife isn't giving them hell so they are the ones who get the short end.. because it's more comfortable to cater to the daughter than it is to do anything else.
While I am most definately a
While I am most definately a father I have never spawned. Nor do I have a daughter. My son (26) was my DW's from a prior relationship. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
That said, I find this to be bullshit and no wife should tolerate it from their husband. No excuses, no discussio... just zero tolerance for this crap.
Equity life partners make each other and their marriage the sole top priority. Nothing takes priority over each other and the marriage. For sure not children, not extended family, now work, nothing. PERIOD!. While they never take precidence over each other and the marriage kids are and should remain the top marrital responsibility.... until they launch. Whether they want to launch or not. They are priority until 18 or college gradaution (no more than 4 years) whichever is later as long as they are active college students in good academic standing.
I would not tolerate it if my bride held a different perspective on this than I do. Fortunately we are on the same page on this.
This can kill a marriage in short order if it is tolerated.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
See I feel the same. You need
See I feel the same. You need to put your all into your marriage and of course your children, but your spouse, your rock it's supposed to be solid. Or at least when you love someone. I have a child with my X too and I love her to death, but my husband is supposed to be there when they are gone and have their own life. If we are not good the whole "house of cards" will crumble I think. So, we need to respect each other, have each other's backs etc. My kids are my heart and soul. I will do anything for them in this world, my husband the same exact thing, but he's just a tad higher because we're supposed to be a team. No one is above his daughter. Not even our son so it's very hard. It's like im desposible or that's how I feel. You can take me or leave me either way you'll be fine and I wasn't raised that's how marriage is. Marriage is forever through good and bad, kids or no kids.