You are here

Encouraging my Husband to Co_parent with Ex

Stepmomplan's picture

I'd really like for my husband and I to co-parent with his ex wife for the sake of the girls. I hesitate because my husband gets defensive, upset, and sore when trying to communicate with his ex. He allows frustration to cloud his judgement. Then he gets emotional and succumbs to her level with passive aggressive jabs. Ugh. When I try to help him, guess who gets the brunt of all that? Yup, me! I just need some tips and advice on how to approach this with him bc as big of a bitch as his ex is, she will always be the my SDs Mom and there things the girls will miss out on doing if they don't talk. Little SD (7) just got invited to an awesome Super Hero themed B-Day for an upcoming weekend that is on her Mom's time. If my husband won't talk to their Mom, then SD (7) will miss out simply bc her parents can't talk! I'm thinking that this is a perfect example to encourage my husband to step up and be the bigger parent here. His ex refuses to take initiative to talk or co-parent herself, but someone has to extend the olive branch. My husband is the type that doesn't like to be "told" but rather "encouraged", especially when dealing with his ex and kids. Any thoughts on how to best sell this to him and not have it blow-up in my face? Thank you.

Willow2010's picture

Oh my. I bet you are a brand new step mom huh? Or at least less than 2 ish years?

First off...your DH need to control himself with BM and stop stooping to her level. That was a large red flag for me. It means he still has feelings for his ex. Maybe not love but something.

Second off...yea...just let them do what they do. You will step back in a few years and be GLAD you did not get involved to get your DH and his EX to be involved with each other more than they need to be.

stormabruin's picture

It's great if your DH can co-parent with his ex, but that has to be between them.

Clearly, howeve,r as good as your intentions may be your husband doesn't want your help. Given that his ex is a bitch, & HE can't co-parent with her, her accepting the idea of YOU helping yourself to the parenting plan is only going to create a bigger mess for everyone.

Certainly it's ideal if all of the adults can work together. However, if the parents aren't able to co-parent, it's best that they each just parent on their own time.

Your SD will miss other opportunities too, & that's okay. Don't make a big deal of it. Don't elude to the idea that she doesn't get to go because she has to go with her BM. The day will pass & the next one will come & life will go on.

Don't approach it. Leave it alone.

Cadence's picture

It takes two to co-parent. With what you describe, you've got at least one parent who isn't going to co-parent effectively.

Anon2009's picture

Sadly, I don't think you will succeed in getting them to coparent. It'd be great for the kids if they would do that, but they won't. Just try to focus on being a positive influence in the kids' lives, and being there for them.

Rags's picture

Very few people are capable of co-parenting with the X. By her passive aggressive behavior BM sounds as if she is one that can’t.

We tried the compromise thing but the Sperm Clan just interpreted that as weakness and they upped their manipulative bullshit and pushed harder for more and more. So, we adopted the bring the pain methodology and spent the rest of the CO period destroying them which was interestingly very fulfilling.

If BM will not be reasonable then your DH has only one choice and that is to destroy her with every legal tool at his disposal. He can't stoop to her level of passive aggressive behavior, he has to be overtly aggressive, tell her what she will do and when she will do it as defined in the CO and when she steps out of line he needs to shred her in court and as the kids get older he needs to introduce them to the facts of her behavior in an age appropriate manner.

The toxic blended family opposition can not be allowed to have any more influence on the kids than is absolutely necessary and the best tool available to control them is the CO, the courts and the facts of their behavior.

We used these tools to best advantage in protecting SS-21 from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and to bare his Sperm Idiot's and Sperm Clan's asses as far as their toxic behavior was concerned.

As for the Super Hero party on Dad's time .... Dad can take his daughter since it will be on his weekend. No need for him to be passive aggressive with BM.
He just needs to be assertive, confident and direct with BM which is as nice as he should get. He can stick with that until BM forces his hand with her toxic passive aggressive manipulations. Then he needs to roll out the facts and bring the pain.

It worked for us.

All IMHO of course.