You are here

Don't hate them don't like them

StealthModeFemme's picture

I'm 34. Never married, never been pregnant (trying to be responsible) I've been with DBF for 3yrs now and we are discussing marriage. He recently moved in w/me to save up a bit in preparation of getting us another place to live. Once we marry I want to have 2kids so we need a home to accomodate that. His BM has been diagnosed with a MH issue. So he has 2 kids SD17 and SD9. They for the most part are good and obedient. I don't like BM at all. She has a criminal record, can't or won't work and basically sits at home all day taking care of the youngest.

SK17 is with her grams (his mom) b/c her and her mom can't get along. She got expelled from school. She talks to boys/men via social media and texting and she is now sexually active and on BC. From what he says she is doing better at his moms.

He gets his kids from time to time. I don't like them all like that. I like that I don't have to do much with them. I just ask that they clean up after themselves. I don't like the SD17 b/c she is lazy, grossly overweight (her parents feed her fast/junk food), she lies to her family (typical low self esteem girl trying to do stuff to win boys affections ie sex, sextexting etc). Whenever he tells me something her and how him and BM tries to handle her I try to help by offering suggestions. He doesn't like that. Guess he doesn't feel I say nothing about the way he parents. Example: SK17 came to visit. I come home to find my apt smelling foul. I checked to see if my trash needed disposing. NO. It SK17 on my sofa with her mini skirt on. So Ok its her. Thinking it wasn't that bad.

We ran some errands in my car and took SK along . We were in a clothing store when I smelled it. It was worse. Smelled like roadkill and I am not exaggerating. I pulled DBF over to the side and told him. He said he noticed it too since the house but he didn't pinpoint the cause. He says that him, BM and his mom has all told her about her BO. I'm also a healthcare worker and I know this isn't BO which has a musky smell. This smell was similar to a dead animal in the road and it was coming from her crotch. I told him she needs to see a doctor. It maybe a bad case of bacterial vaginosis. He talks to his mom/sis and they said they were taking care of it. Later I asked if they took her to the doctor. He says no she's lazy and overweight she needs to be more clean. I tell him if this is a medical issue she needs to be treated. Poor hygiene may have caused it but it's out of control. If you out I was public and ppl smell you, it's out of control. I dare not say anything about her and sex. He got mad, b/c I interrupted his reading time. Basically he didn't want to talk about it.

This is just one example of how when I offer my input he shuts down. In my mind I'm thinking they are denying SD medical attention. In my mind I am thinking no wonder she is sexually active trying to be accepted by anyone who pays attention to her. No wonder she has low self esteem. She's 17, 5'7 and 250+lbs and her family is feeding her junk and isn't encouraging any physical activity. No wonder she was expelled and not doing too well in home schooling.

Then I think why do I give a flying F? She's not my kid. As long as she doesn't disrespectful me or my home I shouldn't care. But I kinda do. I love DBF but I just hope he doesn't think I will treat his kids as my own. SK9 she is obedient but she is loud and spoiled. She comes over and moves stuff around not putting things back or not cleaning up after self. Told DBF I'm not housewife. Unlike her mom I have a job and I chose not to have kids so I only tend to my own messes. So he tries to pick up after her but it's my home... I know where everything is and where it's supposed to go. He doesn' most men are absent minded when it comes to cleaning. So I don't like that I have to go behind both of them. Plus the young one harassing my pets. I found her trying to pull my cat out of its hiding (comfort) spot behind the sofa. One day she erased what I had on my dry erase board to practice handwriting, then says, "My arm is hurting from writing. I must keep writing until you tell me to stop" I got annoyed b/c I was studying (medical/work related stuff). I ignored her then she just kept saying ouch ouch, make me stop, make me stop. I thought she would stop but no. After 30 seconds I walked out the room. Not having no kids to this? Ughhh

My problem is this... In planning for the future and us moving to a home where we will live together everything will be in his name. And SD17 will be moving in because at the rate she is going she will be depending on DBF until she matures and show some hint of responsibility. I hope she doesn't end up pregnant. SD9 will be there every other weekend and when she is out of school. I feel like I will be a prisoner in my own home. I've considered having my own place, a small apartment so I can go to when his kids come. Any married ppl living like that?

Sorry for the length and maybe being all over the place but I found this forum on my cell phone because I was so upset and couldn't sleep thinking about all this. I've been up all night. I said I wouldn't even date a man with kids and my dumb ass allowed such a man to make me fall in love with him. :?

Excuse any grammatical/spelling errors. Getting too sleepy to check all this text from my cell phone. Thanks.

LRP75's picture

May I ask why you want to have children with this man?

You seem like a very intelligent woman. Please rethink the path that you are on and critically analyze where it's really going to end. The hard reality is: if that's the type of father he is with the children he already has, he will be the exact same type of father to the children you have with him. He isn't going to magically change overnight. The only difference is -- you. YOU will be the one doing all of the hard work for your children, while he sits around and lets you.

Seriously, there are red flags all over the place here.

Please reconsider.

StealthModeFemme's picture

It's simple. I don't have a problem with him. He treats me well. We love each other. How him and his BM raise their kids has nothing to do with what will happen to mine. If I am the mother I have input and can take action. Secondly he takes care of his kids. Of course if it was my kid she would have been to to doctor. He let the women in his family handle it. I should break up with him over that?

All the women and men in this forum that have SKIDS way worse and their DH/DW accepts their kids bad behavior. You must be very busy telling them to break up and never get married.

StealthModeFemme's picture

It's his daughter! Lol She doesn't get along with her mom and she is only w/gma now because they offered to take her on to be around other women. He also lives with me now. She can't live here because I'm not ready for all that plus I only have 2bdrms. Me & him is enough.

Maybe I was misunderstood. I tell this man about every issue I have with his kids. He addresses them. Some stuff is just annoying shit that some kids do. I'm sure if you bought your kids/niece/nephew over I'd find something about them that got on my nerves too. That's why I haven't had any. His kids are obedient. They do what I tell them to do. I can't expect a child to act like an adult and I won't be the one stifling a kids play. Just saying I have no tolerance. Hell I get mad when he leaves his shoes by the door. My best friend's dog peed on my carpet and I damn near cursed her to hell. After living alone from 18 till 34 I'm not used to things being touched, moved, eaten, in my home. I'm used to peace and quiet. For me to live with or even let ppl visit I need to be more tolerant of ppl.

We disagreed on one thing. Take her to the doctor or not. If she was my child I would have swung her by urgent care. Two hopefully it wouldn't get to that point because I would have been teaching her about proper vaginal health when she learned how to wipe herself and not at age 17. To be honest I shouldn't care cuz she not my kid. It's his and crazy BM child. As long as she not stanking up my home/car I don't care what she does.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

"My problem is this... In planning for the future and us moving to a home where we will live together everything will be in his name. And SD17 will be moving in because at the rate she is going she will be depending on DBF until she matures and show some hint of responsibility. I hope she doesn't end up pregnant. SD9 will be there every other weekend and when she is out of school. I feel like I will be a prisoner in my own home. I've considered having my own place, a small apartment so I can go to when his kids come. Any married ppl living like that?"

This makes absolutely no sense to me.

You ALREADY KNOW what you are getting in to. A lazy 17 year old who will probably live with her father in to adulthood, a younger child that you ignore and don't want to interact with in the least (which I think you handled quite well.. just walk away and don't give her attention for her attention seeking behavior).

However, you are STILL considering living with him and getting an apt for skid visits?? AND you are going to allow everything to be in his name and not both of yours?

You seem very smart, and these seem like very bad moves. You are compromising something that you will regret. Why move in with him at all? Just remain in the relationship and live separately.

I can't imagine EVER having adult children living in my home because they are too lazy to take care of themselves. Its one thing when you had NO idea it was going to happen. Its another when you know it will.

StealthModeFemme's picture

I thought my post was long enough? Without going into too many identifying details....

You don't know the whole story and no I won't put every detail here. Don't think him or anyone in his family will find this forum but still. I have student loans to pay, a home to buy, vacations to take, money to save and I want kids. I am selling everything and moving in with him. If he wants to pay for everything fine w/me. Why would I care if everything is in his name? No bills for me! Our next apt is only a temp situation. We are trying to prep for buying a home in a few years. I make $30K more than him. If I don't like it I can always move get a separate place or another man all together!

I've known SD17 for a lil over a year and I've never smelled her before. I was just mad because it's amazing how any human being can't smell their own asses. So trust its not an everyday thing.

StealthModeFemme's picture

Also I want to marry him and have kids. I really don't want my child to not have a dad in the home.

Disneyfan's picture

Why are you marrying this man?

Read some of the blogs here. They will give you a peek into your future. Many of the posters here had no idea what they were getting into. You have the advantage of seeing the writing on the wall before even living with this guy.

This man has been a parent for 17 years. He's not good at it. Why have kids with a man who is showing you that he isn't daddy material?

StealthModeFemme's picture

From what I've seen he does pretty good. If it wasn't for him his kids would have been with wards of the state a long time ago messing with his BM. Obviously you can't expect one disagreement that I described to you here isn't going to show everything about this man. Come on now. He has done more for me than my own father financially and emotionally.

Do you want me to send you an email of everything he has done for his kids? All the food/clothes/toys he bought? All of the outings (restaurants/amusement parks/museums) he's taken his kids too? Sacrifices he's made so his kids can have a nice holiday?

I've never seen one parent in my entire life that has made 100% perfect decisions. He wanted to let the women of his family handle it. Me being an healthcare professional thought it would be worth a doctors visit. Whooptie do... a person who doesn't do email everything a doctor/nurse says. I guess he should burn on he'll for that.

I don't think he is the best father in the world. But to his daughters he is. That's all that matters. If we do marry and have kids and seeing that I can be more of a Co parent unlike bipolar BM I think we should do Ok.

StealthModeFemme's picture


smartone's picture

^^^^^^ALL OF THAT^^^^^^^

Before I finally dumped my bf, I did the same thing as you. Everything started off all good. We saw ourselves moving in together one day, then marrying, etc. Slowly things went backward. No way was I moving in with him. I thought even if we wanted to get married we would have to keep separate houses. I no longer wanted him staying at my place. I no longer could stand to be around him and his kids. We finally just had nothing left. If you give this enough time, you will find yourself in the same spot. It sucks when you have a great relationship with someone and the kid stuff is a deal breaker. But you see how he parents, is that what you want for YOUR kids?

Regarding the 9 yo, that is how kids are. If even the "good one" is bugging you, I highly suggest you get your own place. And know that your own kids will do the same kind of things. It's easier to let our own kids' things go, but only you know yourself well enough to know if you can live with it or not.

StealthModeFemme's picture

Well these are things I am taking in consideration. Yes I realize how kids are which is why I didn't have any yet. Hell I'm still trying to figure out when I'm ready to be a mother... Emotionally. No more sleeping all day.

janeyc's picture

I remember being torn between not giving a eff and trying to help, my partner eventually realised that he was guilt parenting, it took time and lots of talking, at the end of the day if this girl is moving into your home, then you will have to smell it as well, it sounds like an infection to me, or is it committed non washing, Im sure you know as a health professional that junk food affects body odour as well.

Before this girl moves in, you and your bf must be on the same page, you should always speak up when you are unhappy or feel disrespected, always say this in a calm manner, otherwise they will use it as an excuse to walk away, if you don't talk about how you feel you will go crazy. Talk to him about ground rules for everyone, Remember its your home, so you have some power here, you really do have the right to say something if your not happy.

StealthModeFemme's picture

I've already decided not to get involved. If she or anyone else stinks I will tell them. I was being nice by telling him first and letting him handle it.

SK17 is so embarrassed that I know about her "smell" she doesn't really want to come over now. When I move to his new place, it will be my home and he told me he's not happy unless I'm happy so I'm not worried about it that much.
As long as she doesn't interfere w/my life I don't care what she does.

As for SD9 I guess I need to be more verbal with her. Might as well start telling her to shut the hell up now so she will be used to it by the time we move. I told her about the cats when she did it. She already got bit by someone else's cat. I told her if my cat bites/scratch her don't run back trying to tell BM, DH, gma etc cause I told you once to leave my cats alone. He dad tells her repeatedly now. I hope my cat scratch her in the face. I'm not saying nothing else about it.

bethann08's picture

Keeping open communication is key. I love my husband to death, but like any man he also has his flaws & he can be an absentminded male & he tends to leave a lot of the parenting to me. In a way this is good, Ina way this is bad. Sounds like your bf is similar & a typical father...

I love my DH, but there are definitely days when I wonder if I made the right decision. Skids are hard. Being a step parent, weather it's to young or older or full or part time, whether BM is in the pic or out or in & out, is one of the most difficult tasks ive ever taken on. I get through it, but most days at somepoint i have to remind myself why im putting my self through the hell of it...The emotional toll being a step parent takes on a woman (I'm sure it's difficult for he men too, but men have different thought process & tend have a lower emotional iq) is intense.

If your not ready or willing to do the full time living & you want to keep an apartment for skid visits, if it were me doing it over again, or in your situation with my knowledge now, I'd give it a try without the marriage commitment... Work out the living kinks & live it for a little to get a feel for the actual full time step parent thing...

True if he lets the woman in his life make most child rearing decisions, he will also do this with your children, that's a typical man thing... The reason behind his negative or lack of reaction sounds like a typical divorced dad... Regrets, guilt, feelings of failure, even if he doesn't realize it all these things come into play & it's normal for him to feel defensive when you make a suggestion, regardless of how little or how "unbiased" it may seem to you, to him his guilt is allowing him to feel like your questioning his parenting & that throws up red flags & he will naturally feel defensive or hurt which usually comes out in a form of anger. This may get easier for a couple reasons, you will learn how to approach "touchy" subjects in a way as to not bring this feeling of guilt & anger up, or he will learn that you are not "attacking" his parenting & will become more open to your input. I try to approach those subjects with my husband with either a very business's approach where I'm not telling him what he needs to do but just putting the problem on the table & waiting for him to open the table to discussion & solutions, or I try to make him think he's come up with the idea. It's all trial & error & I think that even the strongest & most sensible person goes out of their minds at times...

I agree you do sound reasonable & sensible, but not even the most organize sensible woman can be explained to about how life changes after children step or natural & you will have to experience it yourself, but keep in mind... It will be the most difficult job you will ever have & life will forever be changed no matter how prepared you are. But you won't understand until it happens!

Good luck.