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Disney Dad...

steelgirl92's picture

I think I am dealing with a Disney Dad and I am about to pull my hair out. My SD11 is with us every other weekend, a week during the summer, and usually two weeks over Christmas break, and as guilty as I feel as I type these words, I dread those visits. Let me just clarify that I love my SD and I do enjoy spending time with her.
What I don't enjoy is her overwhelming neediness and DH hanging off of her every word. I have no children of my own, and both of my sisters were out of the house when I was growing up, so it's very hard for me to judge what is normal and what is not at her age.
When SD is with us you would think the queen of England is visiting. If she says she's bored and wants to play video games, DH jumps up and plays whatever she wants as long as she wants. If she eats very little dinner and then decides she wants popcorn, she gets popcorn. When she is in the living room with us (which is pretty much her whole visit because she never wants to play alone) we are watching what she wants to watch on TV. If I want to go visit my family his only concern is what SD will do while we are there and if she will be bored or not want to go. If we sit on the couch he will sit between us, but if he's touching me he has to be touching her too. If she does happen to go play in her room he gets up every 10 minutes to go check on her and make sure she's okay. After we tuck her in at night he goes into her room every few hours to check on her. When she's in the shower he goes to the door and asks if she's okay at least once. I am a nervous wreck the whole time she is with us because it feels like his only concern is to entertain her and keep her perfectly content the whole time she is with us.
I understand where he is coming from, when she was little things were very messy between him and BM and he lost a lot of time with her, so he's trying to make up for it now. For several years it was just him and her, and he thinks that if he puts her back in the "daughter place" now and puts me in the "wife place" she will be upset and think he doesn't love her anymore. He is also terrified that she is going to get mad at him if he doesn't cater to her and she will decide not to come visit anymore. I hear his fears and his concerns, but I still don't think it's right. In the long run I am worried it is going to really hurt her, and in turn hurt him.
I think my biggest fear right now is what will happen when we have children together. I want to think SD will be excited to be a big sister and will want to come visit more and help out. But my gut tells me that won't be the case. I'm afraid she will throw a fit about not being the center of the universe and will act out when she's with us, if she comes at all. Or DH will still treat her like his little princess and will put our children on the back burner like he does me when she's around.
I don't know how to talk to DH about this without sounding like I'm attacking him or SD. I've tried to talk about his coddling before and he says he feels like I'm mad at him for being a loving dad. What can I say? What can I do? I love this man more than anything, and I love his daughter too. I want what is best for them, but he can't seem to understand that the way he raises his daughter effects the rest of my life too and that it needs to change. HELP!!

hereiam's picture

He needs to understand that he can't make up for lost time and guilty parenting does not equal quality parenting.

Is that the life he wants for her? To be needy and co-dependent? To think that she is the center of the Universe? What happens when she's out in the real world? He doesn't care about teaching her coping skills?

She IS the daughter and YOU are the wife and if he's afraid of treating her like the daughter because she won't like him, they don't have much of a real relationship to begin with.

A loving dad doesn't coddle. He parents, he teaches, he loves unconditionally; coddling is none of those. To me, constant coddling is kind of phony parenting.

He is setting her up for a hard life, not to mention what this can do to his marriage.