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Dealing with families opinions at Xmas time

Jules1234's picture

I wanted to get other posters tips on dealing with families opinions on their blended family situation. 

So I have previously posted about ongoing issues with my 3 SKs, predominantly SS17 who lives full time. I also have a 4 month old. 
I am not going to sugar coat this post and yes, some of it may seem mean but I also know that a lot of others on this forum may feel similar or do similar things to me.

i don't like SS17 and do not encourage a relationship with my child, his half sibling. SDs live with BM many miles away so are not actively involved either. 
At this point in time I do not see any harm in doing so with SS. I don't need help changing nappies, I don't need you to hold him so I can clean the house, I don't need you to settle him. I don't need help. I can play with him and help his development or his dad can. 
SS works full time so is gone before we get up in the morning and is home late in the arvo when I am trying to feed, settle bub for the evening so I can enjoy some quiet time with my partner. This has been the same since bub was born. He is also not home most weekends so please explain to me where I am supposed to fit in his bonding with his half sibling ??? Sometimes bub may be asleep on me and he will just stand there staring at bub - blergh. I get up and leave the room.


for people who also have a bio and SK who they do not like around the bio or may not encourage relationship, how do you handle opinions from in-laws, aunties, uncles, friends on the situation when it is very hard to understand until you live it? 

I always feel like I need to go against what I believe and feel to make everyone else happy with the norm instead of standing my ground. Like give in and let SS hang out with bub but he has done some pretty nasty things to our household so why should I reward that?? Why should I use my child as the olive branch? My child is not a pawn. 

thank god it is just bub, partner and I for Xmas but I am still gonna cop shit when they ask how SS17 is with bub  


ESMOD's picture

I am not sure why you can't just say...  "ah.. yeah.. he is a teenage boy.. not much time for babies between school, working and his friends... I don't expect him to help us with the baby.. "

I'm not sure many bio late teens would be enamored with a tiny baby.. especially a boy.  girls might want to pitch in or ooh and ahh.. but a teen boy?  And.. no offense.. but your child is not that interesting at that age least to other people. You and your DH may hang on his every move.. but not everyone feels that way about babies.. especially other people's babies.. even those of their parents.  I don't enjoy small babies.. I don't know what to do with them.. they aren't interesting.. they smell funny.. they need to have poop wiped.. they cry.. I mean.. I get that people love their own kids.. but I don't have kids.. so just don't see the charm in them really.

tog redux's picture

I think she's saying the opposite - the kid IS enamored with the baby and wants to care for him (her?) in ways that the OP is not comfortable with.  SS wants time with the baby and she doesn't want him to have it - because he's not respectful in general to her and her DH.

shellpell's picture

I just ignore in-laws and other relatives. It's not their business! I don't encourage a relationship with my two and SS12, and I am perfectly fine with that. And DH understands that while they are all his children, SS is not mine and I'm not expected to treat him like mine or to help "bonding."

And if SS has been nasty to you, then you have every right to keep bubs away from him. No respect for mother, then no access to baby. You are the baby's mother, not some feelingless incubator. So tired of SMs being put last even when it comes to their own children!!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"You are not some feelingless incubator." Damn right! If SS can't respect you or be decent to you, i don't blame you for not wanting him to be around your baby as much as he seems to want to. I may be wrong but it almost sounds like he is a sort of male mini wife who wants to have adult-like control of the household, and wants to be placed above you in the pecking order. You are the woman of tbe house, one of two "adults" of the house. You get more control than he does. 

Jules1234's picture

Yeah he does act like a male mini wife - although he wouldn't "adult" in the way of cleaning the house or thinking for others haha just wants a grown up role or to have too much influence in something. 

Lynneamay44's picture

You are the bubs mom, you know what's best. That includes bubs relationships. If your in laws or relative have an issue then I'd be having a stern talk with them. It's non of their business.

If SS is disrespectful then sorry no bonding time. One of my SS is 17 and trust me there is no way I would I trust my bio children with him.