So i'm new to the site, and so thankful i've found it. I've been at the computer for months looking for other people in similar situations to speak with and gain some insight and perspective.

I feel completely out of my element. I'll give you a bit of background. I'm a mom to my only son, who is 19. He's a great kid. Kind, thoughtful, goofy, smart. I raised him with his father in his life, I was very young when we married but we really remained close friends to this day. I didn't date until my son was in his senior year( i didn't want to bring people in and out of his life). Then I met "P". We had a long distance relationship for over a year. P was also divorced with, at the time, a 9 year old son. I would come out to visit, we took it really slow. Getting to know "M" (his son) over monthly visits that lasted a week at a time. As time progressed, I got to know more the in's and out's of P's previous marriage. His ex "C" had an affair with P's cousin and ended up marrying him after divorcing P. Ugh, what a mess. I nearly bolted when I found this out. My parents had a similar situation and I know first hand that it's hard enough to blend a family without this kind of drama in the middle of it. But, saying that... I also had insight to what could happen and maybe how to avoid some of the negative aspects I faced. So the visits became longer, 2 weeks to 1 month at a time. 2 Years later, P asked me to move to Oregon, to marry him. I said yes to both on the condition of a long engagement. We needed to see how it would all work.

The visits always went well, M was easy to get along with, he liked to chat alot about anything, was into music and very huggy. Mature for his age but I could see how much he wanted his fathers attention all the time. I suggested they have time just for them. Goto breakfast together once a week, movies, game time etc... This worked out really well. I met the BM and we got along well. Everything seemed to be going well, with the few rebellious things anyone should expect, so i made the move. I've been here for 7 months now and everything that seemed so shiny and wonderful now look alot different. I see this other side to M. He manipulates the people around him. He's stolen from me twice. Gone in my wallet and removed money. The money was recovered both times and he admitted his guilt. I expressed that it hurt my feelings that he hadn't repsepcted my personal space and items and left his BF and BM to set the punishments. He is also failing 4 classes. He's 12 now and I've been in his life since he was 9. Fearing that it was my presence that created these issues, i asked to see his past report cards. School has obviously been an issue for him his whole life. The stealing no one seems to know if it's happened before but M made a comment once about his fathers wallet being full of reciepts. When I asked him how he knew what was in there... M got red and shrugged it off. Later when I asked P how he felt about the exchange, he got defensive and said that M obviously saw it when he paid for things. I left it alone.

M is with me when he gets home from school. He comes to the house every day after school while his mother works. I asked him daily if he had homework and he said no daily. He lied daily for months about homework and without knowing his past history, It was allowed to continue. We never received a progress report. When asked about it. M said they only send them when asked by the parents. I told P that it was the most rediculous thing i'd ever heard. I told P it was easily checked to see if they did or didn't send one. I looked on the schools site and sure enough were the dates when they were sent. So M had intercepted the mail from both homes and hid them. The punishment for all of the lying and failing was to be grounded until things looked up, grade wise. The first week after the marking period they only had class 2 days. One of those days we got a note saying they were pulling him, with Parents approval, from gym to have him goto a special ed class where he would get help with homework etc. One full week of school goes by and his teachers say he's making progress so the punishment is halted after 2 weeks. I was dumbfounded that the punishement was so brief with no real work on the parents or M's part to make change. I accepted that this was how his parents felt it should be handled. The issue for me now is that I don't believe anything M tells me. It's more than just the above mentioned things, it's the sneaking around, going in our room taking candy that was hidden there for halloween, saying his room is clean and his chores done to find his closet full of junk and dishes put away dirty. He goes to his dad and says things that make his father feel guilty so there's no consequences to these lies. I try talking to P and say "you're not helping him by believing what he says blindly... Find the truth so you can positively reinforce when he's telling the truth and nip the bullshit immediately." and P's response is that I hate his son! It's rediculous and seems to be a way to make me feel bad and lay off the issues. If I didn't care, i wouldn't have gotten involved. If i thought his son was a bad kid, I wouldn't waste my time. I feel like I can't talk to P about it. He's completely irrational when anything about his son comes up.

The only arguments we have is about these situations. The house is loving and peaceful when M isn't here. This isn't how I wanted it. I don't want to be tense and avoid M because of my feelings. I don't think it's the childs issue. It's completely a parenting issue. M has learned that when the "talk" about whatever the issue, even one as severe as stealing, is over. Then the feelings are over... He's whistling and skipping along 2 minutes later. I don't find it amusing when someone doesn't show remorse for something like that. He's not 5 he's nearly 13!. With M there's no remorse.

I wish I knew what to do here... The teen years are just beginning. Anyone that's been a parent knows that these years can be trying and rewarding but if there's already, what I feel, behavior issues. What are the next 5 years going to bring?
I love P, I waited a long time to allow someone into my life and don't want to let him go but he keeps telling me that "babysteps" up are what we're taking. I don't see that. I feel like i'm the only one rational with a view of what's wrong here.