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Controlling Tantrums, Insane BM

Solidshadow7's picture

I have a 4 year old almost SS. The custody arrangement is 50/50, but its broken out so the mother has him during the week for the school year, and we have him all summer and every weekend. His mother completely withheld visitation up until a judge ruled at trial a few months ago, and while we don't know what goes on at BM's house, we suspect that in addition to being completely insane she's also a lousy parent.

SS is a good kid, but somewhat delayed, he was barely verbal up until he started pre k per the court order two months ago, and he can speak simple phrases and sentences now, but has the communication abilities of a much younger child. And he throws absolutely ridiculous temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He will scream at the top of his lungs like he's being murdered until he get's what he wants, and since he started school, (and probably witnessed another kid doing it) he will now hit other people and himself too. If you put him in timeout he will stay in the chair, but will kick the wall the floors and the chair and will beat on anything he can reach with his fists, including his own face.

We suspect his mother is encouraging the tantrums by folding immediately to whatever the child wants. On a recent visit, we took SS to toys R us to buy him a bicycle, and he threw such a fit in the store because we wouldn't let him play with another toy we passed we ended up leaving without buying it. When my boyfriend mentioned it to BM, she replied that "SS shouldn't have to suffer for the tantrum," and my BF is a "horrible parent for not buying the bicycle." No matter what her precious angel did.

The mother is an only child who still lives with her parents, along with the boy on her time. I've witnessed the grandparents (who live with SS) encouraging bad behavior as well. We were in a restaurant, and SS started touching the window shades. His grandfather reacted by showing him how to open and close them. When SS kept doing it, the manager came to the table and asked him to stop. The grandfather told SS they had to wait until she turns around, and then resumed playing with the shades with him, and told him he should be careful not to let the her see. He's setting a wonderful example.

Recently we bought dinner at a supermarket, and some donuts for desert. And they had a little sitdown area where we sat down to eat. SS refused to eat and only wanted the donuts. When we would not give him the donuts he began wailing and throwing his food. When he wouldn't stop, he was put in a chair facing the wall until he could calm down. In response to which he began screaming at the top of his lungs while hitting himself and kicking the wall. We ignored him. Except customers started staring. And then people started peeking in to make sure that no child was actually being murdered. Eventually the manager came over to ask us if everything was alright. At this point my boyfriend carried still screaming SS out of the supermarket while the little boy kicked and punched at him, and belted him into his car seat until he stopped.

The tantrums are a pretty regular occurrence. Bedtime causes them, seeing something he wants causes them, and they happen pretty often at mealtimes because SS is picky and will often eat only one thing, usually bread or French fries or fried chicken if available, and sometimes nothing at all if they're not. We try to get him to at least try everything on his plate, which has resulted in two hour battles over breakfast and SS being punished in some way for the remainder of the day after throwing or spitting food or screaming bloody murder more than once. They also happen over applying sunscreen, taking showers, and trying to walk in any direction other than the direction that SS wishes to go in when we are out somewhere.

We have limited influence because of the schedule, we only have him weekends. He still has basic "manipulative" tantrums common in children half his age over not getting his way and I suspect they're not getting better because 5 days a week his mother or his grandparents bend to his every whim. I don't think the problem is SS, he is actually is a really good kid for the most part. I've seen him double over crying with guilt when my BF explained to him why it was not okay for him to behave that way, and I've seen him start apologizing hysterically once when he screamed because he got shampoo in his eyes. (He couldn't understand the difference between tantrum screaming and screaming because he was in pain, only that we had told him it was not okay to scream.) Then he goes back to his mom's for 5 days and comes back in full tantrum mode again with everything we've done erased.

In addition to this, I also feel that we have our hands tied as far as discipline goes. BM is a lying manipulative lunatic who denied paternity and withheld the child for several months while the court case was pending and then tried to use that as grounds to argue the child had been abandoned and my BF's rights should be terminated. When that didn't work she told the judge my BF beat her and the child in an attempt to prevent him from getting visitation. When my BF got 50/50 anyway, she began calling the police to do welfare checks. When the police stopped listening, she tried to convince the doctor that a small sunburn was a black eye to trigger mandatory reporting. When the doctor refused, she called DCF anyway and told them we must have beat him and sent him home with a black eye. Luckily I'd had the foresight to photograph SS at the beginning and end of every visit, and we had a nice file to hand the DCF lady full of her insanity from the court case.

With a lunatic like that looking for any reason she can find to cut his father out of his life, I'm pretty sure that practicing any form of corporal punishment, even spanking is a sure recipe for disaster. I understand we are fighting an uphill battle because the BM and grandparents are rewarding tantrums and encouraging lying, and it's going to take a while for him to learn that he can scream and lie to his hearts content over there but it won't be tolerated at daddy's house.

We don't know what can be done beyond putting him in time out and taking toys away or putting him to bed early as far as discipline goes. And he's getting bigger and becoming violent. I mean, it doesn't hurt now because he's 4 but if he's still punching and kicking in a few years? He doesn't stay in bed when we put him there anymore and I'm pretty sure sooner or later he will start refusing to stay in time out. Not only will BM most certainly refuse to support any punishments or rules we put in place, but this is compounded by the fact that his worthless BM and her family appear to be TRYING to raise a narcissist who believes he controls the world.

What do you do about discipline when you can't touch the kid because the BM keeps calling DCF while simultaneously doing her best to undermine everything else you do?

Solidshadow7's picture

I do suspect there is a possibility SS has Aspergers. My little brother has it, and I see a lot of similarities between SS and my brother at that age. Unfortunately we only have him on weekends, which really limits our options as far as medical and mental health services go. When DCF came we tried to have him tested through child find, (the caseworker suspected low grade autism too), but the mother lives in a different county and they said they couldn't force her to have him tested on her time, and they can only test during the week, when we don't have him.

You ask me why I say BM is crazy. I need you to keep in mind that I have known my BF and his family for 20 years and that every claim she has made is not based upon reality in any way.

I say BM is a lunatic for the following reasons-
1) Regularly threatened suicide to prevent BF from leaving her when they were together.
2) Sabotaged birth control to prevent BF from leaving her. (Condom wrappers had all been slit with a razorblade.)
3) Secretly kept a profile on a bondage and S&M website where she listed a long list of sexual depravities and was looking for partners with similar interests. She eventually left BF for a guy she met on bondage and S&M site when BF refused to beat her or suffocate her during sex.
4) Bragged about her habit of seeking out and seducing married men, then blackmailing them by threatening to tell their wives whenever she needed money.
5) Completely refused visitation for 6 months after she dumped BF, while trying to convince him that it was in his son's best interest not to have a father and he was just being selfish by asking her to see him.
6)During this time she made up all matter of reasons for needing $1200 a month to pay for his daycare, and then she never actually paid the daycare.
7)Threatened BF with a restraining order if he asked to see his son again.
8)Removed BFs name from daycare and doctors so they wouldn't give him any information on son.
9)Threatened him with back child support and constant DCF calls if he took her to court to see his son.
10)Lied to judge and said BF wasn't the father, even though his name was on the birth certificate and he raised the child from birth until age 4.
11)Lied to the judge and claimed severe domestic violence and child abuse when there was none.
12)Lied to judge and said that I was an abusive alcoholic who once fought her in a parking lot when I'd never actually met her before and don't drink.
13) Posted a campaign online asking for donations for legal fees because her BF's new girlfriend (me) was trying to steal her son to raise as my own because I am infertile and was not approved to adopt because of my criminal record. (I'm not infertile and never attempted to adopt, nor do I have a record)
14) Repeatedly called the police and reported that she had seen my car with my plate number speeding and driving erratically. For a while I was pulled over and sobriety tested almost daily.
14) Insisted I attend their mediation before she would agree to any visitation because she needed to explain to me how to care for her son because she honestly believed that my BF would not care for the child.
15) Invited me out for dinner as friends after previous nonsense (which she denied) and tried to convince me that my BF intended to murder the child as soon as he could get his son alone. Her logic was that the child had been an accident and now that they were no longer together she assumed that their son's existence was a mistake he intended to fix. She appeared to seriously believe this.
16) She called DCF accusing us of giving the child a black eye. (The mark was a sunburn, and we know she knew it was a sunburn)
17) We found out that she had previously tried to get the pediatrician to call DCF on us by trying to convince him that what the doctor said was a sunburn was a bruise.
18) Provided court documents of where she lied in court and said that my boyfriend was abusive as "proof" to DCF that my boyfriend was abusive.
19) Claimed that the school was the one who had actually called DCF because the child had mosquito bites. Actually tried to document that the school was really the one who called by forcing the poor pediatrician to write my BF a letter about the importance of bug spray.

Do I really need more than this? I've seen BM's called insane on this site for things a lot less likely to be well, diagnosable. I really believe she is at minimum bipolar and at worst schizophrenic. Not to mention the whole compulsive liar bit. She also has a history of drug use and prostitution. Unfortunately she passed the court ordered drug test BF successfully got her to submit to. (The testing facility only checked ID's to determine identity, we believe she sent a friend with a fake id but can't prove it) Or for all I know she's not using anymore. Either way quitting drugs doesn't seem to have helped her crazy any.

CLove's picture

I have seen what the lack of repercussions can do. He can and will do a LOT more as he gets older. Are you thinking of trying for sole custody, on the grounds of maternal insanity? This is not your child, and your SO is not able to parent him according to your post, so it would seem like the only options are:
a. Leave SO.
b. Watch the SS torture his father while he continues with his tantrums and hope that someone diagnoses whatever you might think he has. Do nothing. Disengage.

You cannot legally do anything. Things will continue to escalate and get worse.

Maxwell09's picture

Hitting, biting and lashing out at other classmates is a sign of frustration because he can't communicate what he is feeling or thinking to who ever it is hes lashing out again. I agree with time-outs and ignore major tantrums but before you sit him in time out your DH needs to tell him "Go to your room until you're ready to talk about it," or "when you calm down, you can get back up" We did this with SS when he was two through four. Like your BM, she gives in to him never wanting to be the bad guy. It's typical but it doesn't change how we parent in our household. When your SS gets to the point where he's starting to throw a fit y'all need to remind him to "use your words". Say it constantly, and when he does communicate with you, even if it's just "I want the donuts now" you respond with "thanks for using your words, I understand you want donuts and you can have them AFTER you eat this (dinner)". When he starts to scream and holler, put him by himself and simply say, "when you're finished and ready to talk you can come back to eat dinner THEN donuts" and walk away. Consistency is the only thing that will make this work. You have to do it every time for even the littlest things so he will form new habits.

Rags's picture

Paddle to kids butt. End of tantrum. Lather,rinse,repeat.

The behavior modifies or the butt stays tender.

Ispofacto's picture

I read a book years ago that helped me raise my kids, and while none of mine were special needs, there was an example in the book of a kid who was. The book was How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

The kid had the similar issues, so the parents started carrying around a notebook and crayons so he could draw his emotions. Everytime he threw a fit they told him to show them, and he'd scribble all over the notebook. Allegedly this worked for them, he was allegedly much calmer then. It's hard to tell if your SS is just a brat, special needs, or both.

My SD was a brat when I met her at 5 and she is now 13 and hasn't gotten much better. She doesn't scream anymore, but she is just as aggressive in covert-aggressive ways (lying, pouting, sneaking, stealing). We cured the screaming problem by all screaming back at her for as long as she'd scream. Annoying but effective.

IMO, as long as bratty behavior is being fostered by someone, it will continue and probably get worse.

secret's picture

Honestly it sounds like the fits and tantrums are fairly normal for a child who hasn't been taught boundaries and the meaning of No.
Hitting things also sounds fairly normal for a child who hasn't been taught how to express negative feelings in appropriate ways.

Keep setting limits and bundaries, do not cave to his demands.

No means no - the fits/tantrums will get worse, but they will also get better with time.

A kid who knows a tantrum gets him what he wants, will throw a bigger one when faced with a No, because he's well aware there's a limit at which the person will cave. When the usual limit is reached and the adult doesn't cave, the kid will push further (bigger tantrum) in an attempt to get them to cave. Do not. With time the kid will learn tantrums no longer work.

It sucks. But it works.

It's basic manipulation from a child - they do it because it works.

I never tolerated that crap with my bio kids... and with SS, he's learned there are boundaries, he's learned to adapt his behavior.

An example: last week, kid was being whiny towards his dad about eating his snack... he was rolling around on the floor, hiding beside a sofa, generally whining... and dad was kind of pleading with kid to calm down, watch his cartoons, and eat his snack. I usually just let SO be when he deals with SS... because I don't want to undermine him or anything... but this particular time, I had a headache, lots of stuff to do, and just wasn't in the mood to listen to kid's attitude.

So, I casually walked into the living room sipping my coffee, and asked kid, who was hiding beside the couch, with a nice big smile, Do you need a nap? He said no... so I said "So cut the sh!t, stop whining, and eat the strawberries you asked for". Kid said "okay", got up and sat down in front of his bowl of cut up strawberries. I asked him Do you want to watch Paw Patrol or Dinotrucks? He said paw patrol... and that was that. I ruffled his hair, kissed the top of his head, said thank you for listening, and walked away.

SO doesn't understand why kid responds to me so much better than him... and I keep telling him it's because kid has learned that he can push dad's buttons and get dad to cave... but he didn't get that with me, there were always strong boundaries from the start, he knows his behaviors don't get him what he wants, unless he models the behaviors I want him to.

He's told the consequences of his potential actions, and the consequences are followed through. Kid knows I mean business, and even if SO doesn't always mean business, kid has come to learn that if I say something, dad will support it and vice versa.

I had my kids one week on one week off, and they're all close in age - and honestly, the first 4 days was more of a dis-entangling of the clusterf&k that occurred at bio-dad's home... back into rules, back into good behaviors, etc... the last few days were great... then it was all to be repeated the following visit.

Bex_S's picture

Has SS been checked for autism or asberger's? Self harm when upset is usually something that ASD kids do and not 'normal' kids. His bad behaviour is being encouraged, which isn't good, but the tantrums and the delays could be explained by ASD.