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Building resentments toward SD8 and my fiancee

mimimurph111's picture

Hey everyone - new to the site and in need of insight/advice. My fiance had his daugher out of wedlock and BM is remarried with another daughter. Aside from one serious relationship where the girl was not hands on with SD8, it was just her and daddy on the days he had her. We see SD8 every Thursday night after school and every other weekend from Friday-Monday morning. Let me start by saying that BM has her hands full at home with her four year old, and SD8 has told us her mom often sleeps with her sister. When we first moved in together when she was 6-7, she would wake up super early crawl into bed with us for another hour or so. When she turned 8 and we got a bigger house (our old apartment our bed was in the living room so I excused it) I told him our bedroom is our sanctuary and she's too old for that (plus, I like sleeping patially nude, as does he, so I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of scrambling for clothes), which was fine with all parties until the regression. Lately, SD has regressed with sleeping - she always kind of complained about going to bed, but now she straight up whines, asks us if we're going to bed too, and when we finally get her to sleep (usually with her asking for two bed time stories and "cuddles" with her dad in her bed) about 50% of the time she comes into our room in the middle of the night saying "she's scared." The last time it happened, when we were putting her to bed, her dad said she could sleep in in the morning as late as she wanted and she actually asked "what if I wake up while youre asleep and need to wake you up." One night, he let her into our bed, where I was spooning him from the back and she legit was trying to push me off of him so her whole body was up against him and no part of me was touching him/in her way. 

She also takes her own showers now (another thing my fiance's mom, sister and I had to unite on to make happen when she turned 8. SD was till asking him to give her baths), but the other night asked him for help because "she used too much shampoo last time." Luckily he said no, but it made me roll my eyes nontheless. She also asks him for help getting dressed, still cannot tie her shoes, and has him cut up her food because she has the cooridnation of a 4 year old. It's all very annoying, and fiance will stop doing it for a couple of weeks only for her to manipulate him back into it. I am also tryiing to break him of calling her "baby" as in "I am going to spend time with my baby" or "let's go pick up that baby from school" - partially because it's bizarre (even his mom corrects him "she's a young lady now) but also because I have had HIS friends repeatedly tell me they find it uncomfrtable or ask me why he does it.

SD8 also gets really offended if her dad and I talk about a trip we took on a weekend we didn't have her (to visit my family), doesn't like when he was was talking about my nieces and nephew and gets visibily pouty when we talk about date nights. Finally, and this is what really got me, her need for physical touch when I am touching him is out of control. It doesn't happen anywhere else except in our home when it's just the three of us, but if I am leaning on his chest, touching his thigh or have my legs draped over his, she has to do the same exact thing. I even watched her straight up start petting his upper thig (pretty close to his crotch) - it seemed absentminded and he stopped it, but still weird. THe nail in the coffin was the other night though - she was laying on one end of the couch, and fiance and I were snuggled up with my hand on his stomach and my feet in his lap on the other. So what did SD8 do? She repositioned herself so her head was on top of my hand, and proceeded to wimper and whine because I know my knuckles and ring were digging into her head and my feet were blocking her view. Now, two months ago I would've moved, but COME ON. Next thing I know, she is reaching her hand up TRYING TO PULL MY HAND OFF OF HIS STOMACH. WTF?! I finally got her dad's attention and he goes "oh baby did you think you were holding daddy's hand? that's quinn's hand silly!" and she like kind of half smiled and moved her hand away before shooting me a pouty look." 

 

I am getting to a point where I don't even like being here when she is, scheduling workout classes for the days she is with us and just completely isolating myself but quite frankly this is my house too and her dad should be able to have adult relationships - I am just at wits end. pLease help.

futurobrillante99's picture

Your fiance is the problem. He is a man so he doesn't realize or he's purposely ignoring that his daughter is acting possessively about him towards you. Give him an example of what other men do to stake a claim then let him know "this is how females do it."

Then, let him know that she is a CHILD but she's modeling the behavior of a LOVER towards him and he needs to put a stop to it. She needs to grow up knowing that her daddy isn't her future partner. She needs to grow up healthy and not enmeshed with her daddy so she can have a healthy adult relationship someday. Allowing her to continue like this confuses her mind just as she's about to go through puberty (some start as early as 9 or 10).

STaround's picture

Certainly the SD should be encouraged by her dad to hit age appropriate milestones.  

I would cut down discussions of what goes on when she is not there.  That is just rude.  You wouldnt do that to an adult, would you?  Say Sarah, you missed a great party last weekend, too bad you were not invited.

I would keep PDA in the bedroom (and if you need a lock, yes, get one), and would limit PDA to hand holding.  

mimimurph111's picture

how?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oops, I didn't notice it was a forum post. On blog posts there's an Edit tab at the top, but you can't make changes to forum posts. You need to shoot a message to Dawn, the owner/moderator of StepTalk, and ask her to remove that for you. 

skatermom's picture

I have 3 SDs and have went though this.  What you have on your hands is called a Mini-wife.  Google it.  First of all, anytime she needs "help" in the bathroom, make sure it's you who goes in there to help her.  Tell your fiance, she's going to start developing and he needs to step back and let you start assisting her.

Next, get a lock for your bedroom door.  We did as soon as I moved in and it's been life changing.  The midnight and morning visits stopped immediately.  

Third, stop talking about what you two do in without her in front of her, it's only making her more jealous and you might want to dial back the PDA with her around.  Just sit on the couch like normal people, this doesn't have to be a PDA showdown every night.  We actually have an adult couch and a kid couch, the kids aren't even allowed on our couch, of course we have 5 kids so we do have our reasons.

With consistency by both of you, you can get through this.

 

hereiam's picture

Your fiance needs to get ALL of this under control, he is her parent. He needs to enforce proper physical boundaries and encourage age appropriate behavior. An 8 year old should be able to manage getting dressed on her own!

I'm not saying she is an outright mini-wife (way overused) but if she were to become one, it would not be just her own doing. Her dad needs to nip that in the bud.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I had to deal with some of this. I told my SO he needed to encourage her to handle things on her own (personal hygiene, etc). If we were hugging when she was around, she allllways had to come get in the middle of it. I also had to stake my claim on the couch next to my SO. If i wasn't there, SD would be right next to my SO like white on rice. But when I come to sit down, she knows it's my spot (adults get to sit where they want in our house, just like it was when we were young). Sometimes she would just stand next to him and slowly rub his head, which would drive me INSANE, since it's something I do. I did snap once over that, I said it was weird and something I would do. He started moving away when she did it. She did pretty much grow out of most of this stuff (she's 10 now). She can still be clingy to him sometimes, but it doesn't feel as competitive as it was. I will say that I kind of put a stop to it myself, because my SO wasn't getting it done. I have a good relationship with SD, so I explained how adults need time to cuddle sometimes, and not every time will involve them. Sometimes we just need to cuddle ourselves. She got it- if I was hugging my SO she would stand back, although sometimes we would make a point to include her in our goofing around. It helped, I was feeling much like you are. 
And oh so I get it. Dealing with the dynamic of skids and an SO...making yourself scarce to avoid it at times. There are times I wonder if it's worth it. 

Dani01's picture

Its a weird dynamic alright - feeling like third wheel a lot of the time. I also have times when I wonder if it's all worth it. The SD's behaviour does sound like shes jealous of you giving your man attention. I was lucky in that the kids join in & cuddle me too - but still feels a but unnatural seeing they arent mine. I may have the same issues as you once they get a bit older though I'm guessing... hang in there!