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Boyfriend's son lying about me

ilayeggs's picture

Okay so to start out, I am not a stepparent, but I definitely needed some advice. To explain the situation, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. He has two sons with a previous girlfriend, an 8 (almost 9) year-old (not biological) and a 3 year-old (biological). He has raised the 8-year-old since he was a baby and that's who he knows as dad. I am not a kid person, but I accepted his children as a part of my life because they are a part of him. The mother and I do not exactly get along, and she is a very unkind person in general. Overall, I pretty much avoid her to keep the peace. I met his children probably about 9 months ago and since my boyfriend and I live together, they always come over our place. She has them during the weekdays and we take them from Th-Sun/sometimes Mon. Pretty immediately, the 8-year old began clinging to me. I thought we were building a really close bond. Like I said, I'm not a kid person, but I am actually very good with kids when I am in a situation where I am around them. Once the 8-year-old really started to get comfortable with me, he began saying some pretty horrible things (by my standards, at least) about his mother while he would be over our house. Examples include “my mother is lazy”, “all she does is sit on her phone”, “I wish you were my mother and not her”, “she treats (his brother’s name) better than she treats me”. He would also say that he missed when my boyfriend used to live with them because at least they got to go to the park and go outside and he says his mother never takes them anywhere and she just sits at home all day on her phone. At first when he would say these things, I would kind of encourage him that his mother loves him and that she’s doing her best. In my honest opinion, I think she’s a horrible mother. But I would never say that to him, so I would just do my best to change the subject. Meanwhile when he was over our house, he would be living it up. So much so to the point where when we would tell him it was time to go home, he'd be angry and give us an attitude and he has even cried on several occassions because he said he didn't want to go back. Many months later, I hear from my boyfriend that the son has been going to his mother’s boyfriend and telling him that all the awful stuff HE is saying about his mother have been coming out of MY mouth. He was also saying that he doesn't even like coming over my house because every thime he's there, "she talks about my mommy". WHAT. Meanwhile, when he’s over our house, he’s telling me that he hates being at his mother’s house, that he wishes she weren't his mother, that he wishes he could live with us, etc. So I let this go one time because it was the first I had heard about it and I didn't want to come between my boyfriend’s relationship with his sons. Also, I know this kid has been through a lot and I was trying to be understanding about his issues. That was mistake number one on our part. Now this last weekend when he was over, he was saying more nasty things about his mother (direct quote from him after I had made him lunch: "you're the best, too bad for my mom because she's not the best") and I told him that we are not going to discuss his mother, because what happens at their house is none of my business. Well guess what. Heard from my boyfriend today YET AGAIN that he was saying all the awful stuff was coming from me. And it's so interesting because everything she claims he is saying that I am saying have been direct quotes from HIM. It's like he's projecting his thoughts onto me as if they're my thoughts. It’s literally to the point where I can’t stand this kid and I feel horrible because I would never want to come between my boyfriend and his sons. My boyfriend said all of us should talk to him the first time and we didn't. Now he is saying we are all going to sit down and talk to him. I almost feel like it's pointless, because his mother is so ignorant that she is refusing to believe anything that comes out of my mouth and I'm sure once I say something, she's just going to back me into a corner and defend her child even though he is lying about me and my character. In the past, she has admitted to me HERSELF that she knows that he lies. The son had even come to me telling me stories about her boyfriend hitting/"beating" him (which I didn’t believe because he’s an awful liar) and she said he makes stuff up all the time. He would even come to me at times and make up stories about his mom and her boyfriend and if I would question him, he would laugh and be like "you actually believed that?"

tog redux's picture

The only way this will get better is if BM stops believing it and shuts him down every time he does this. That's between your SO and BM, they have to sort it out - don't sit down with them to talk about it, they are the parents and need to address this and you don't need to be part of it. In the meanwhile, do everything you can to not be alone with this kid at all, and see how your SO handles it. Don't stick around if the problem isn't addressed - this kid will only get better at lying. 

ilayeggs's picture

You are right. I have considered this, because this really is not my issue. I just fear that he is going to deny it and if I'm not around, I won't be able to defend myself. But then again, it's not what anybody thinks about me that is bothering me. And she is the type to keep the children from him if we go against her in any type of way. But I guess at the end of the day, their son is their problem. I just know this kid's been through a lot and I wanted to be someone that he felt like he could come and talk to when he needed to be heard. But I guess all he wanted was ammo to shoot right back into my face lol.

tog redux's picture

This is not an uncommon way for kids to behave when they have a high conflict parent. They curry favor with both parents by lying about the other one - it's very manipulative and it works. If you don't trust your SO to 100% have your back with BM, then that's another huge problem. 
 

Yes, this kid is troubled and you'd be wise to stay away. My SS did some of this, about DH rather than me, and it never got better because BM always believed him. 

ilayeggs's picture

Oh no my SO is behind me on this. He's even been in the room several times in the past when he's said this stuff, so he believes me 100% and knows that the kid is lying. When he texted his BM to tell her it wasn't true, her response was "don't lie to me, he wouldn't be coming home and saying that she's saying all this stuff if it didn't happen". If only she really knew lol. Yeah from now on, I'm staying out and away from that kid. He can kick rocks. We're out of town right now, but he said that he will have a talk with her and the kid when we get back. I'm sorry to hear that this never got better for you, this is my first time being around a guy with kids so it's all new for me and this threw me for a loop because I thought him and I were close.

tog redux's picture

OK, that's good that he has your back - he needs to continue pointing out to BM that SS is lying to YOU about BM as well.

My SS liked me and didn't lie about me to BM, only about his father.  He also lied to us about BM, but we started not believing it at a certain point, whereas BM ate it up every time. He ended up not speaking to DH for over 3 years. He's back now, but he's still a big liar and Mama's Boy at almost 21. 

Does your SO have legal rights to SS? If not, he might want to consider changing visitation to out of the home only.

ilayeggs's picture

Unfortunately, my SO has no legal rights to SS. There is no current custody battle, but she is definitely the type to keep SS from him if we piss her off. That's another reason I've tried letting this go in the past because I didn't want to cause a disruption and piss her off. But at this point, I don't even care anymore. this is not right and I won't let her son continue to smear my name with absolutely no truth behind it whatsoever. 

tog redux's picture

Since he has no legal rights, he needs to consider whether or not he can continue to have him for visitation. He's disruptive in your home and he has no ability to address that problem with therapy or any other method. 

I'd suggest he start seeing the kid outside the home for a few hours instead of having him come over. I know that sounds harsh, but there is exactly zero chance that BM will allow him to remain in this kid's life until he's grown, and not use him as a weapon against your SO. In fact, I'd say that's already beginning with this nonsense. 

futurobrillante99's picture

If SS is IN FACT lying, he needs to experience a consequence - no time with you.

It is likely that SS may be prodded by his mother to bring home dirt. You haven't given him any dirt to bring home to paranoid mommy, so he's made stuff up and used the words he has said. His mom might have even told him to talk bad about her to see what you'd say.

If you think SS really cares about you, losing time with you should motivate him to stop telling stories to BM. If he's really a sneaky little spy for BM, it's better if he's not in your home.

ilayeggs's picture

That is already the direction I am heading in. I told my SO as long as I am in his life, I will never stand in the eay of him having a relationship with his sons. At the moment, I am the only one doing all the driving, so I will always ensure he has transportation to get to and from seeing his children. As far as me being in the picture with his kids, those days are history. Like I said in my post, I personally think she is a horrible mother. I see the way she treats him versus his LB, but I don't say anything because it's not my place. My SO sees it too but she's so ignorant she will deny that she does it. both boys could both engage in the same exact bad behavior and only one will get a spanking while the other gets away with it (guess which one is which lol). I think this may be a ploy for him to get on his mom's side and feel as though he is loved by her and connected to her in some way. Idk it's messed up and I feel so sorry for him because she's going to continue to mess him up and I won't be there to help him get away from her anymore. My goal in all of this was to give him a friend and someone that he felt he could trust and come to with his problems without being yelled/cursed at. Welp, those days are gone.

Aunt Agatha's picture

She is spot on. This is for the parents to handle.

Moving forward: disengage.  There should be no point in the future where it is you and the little liar alone.  If little liar starts claiming that you are abusing him, it could turn ugly fast.
 

Never be alone with him.  Always have your SO there so he is a witness.

If SO doesn't like that you won't babysit the little liar?  Too bad.  He's failing as a parent and his kid is a risk to you. He and the BM need to get the kid under control.  

In the meantime, you might also want to think long and hard. At 9, you still have the very difficult preteen and teen years ahead.  If your SO isn't working hard to get a handle on his son now, you have years of pain ahead of you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Let the parents handle it, but I'd also consider putting in some cameras just so you can record what SS is saying to show him and BM that it's crap. I'd also spend exactly zero time with SS and would stop doing fun things with him, explaining that his lying is the reason why.

Ultimately, though, your SO is in a rough spot with the oldest. While he can fight for custody and parenting time of the youngest, he is a bit at BM's mercy with the oldest since he isn't legally his father. If your SO hasn't already, he needs to mentally prepare for the day that SS no longer gets to come over.

Honestly, too, I'd be nervous about an unrelated SS who lies coming over to begin with. While you didn't believe that the BF was hitting him, that doesn't mean BM won't believe him when he inevitably says the same thing about you. That's why you need cameras and need to never be around him alone. If he has learned to cope with a crazy mother/separation with lying and playing sides, then it wouldn't take much for him to escalate to a big lie to get something he really wants. 

Your SO and BM DO need to sit down and work this out without you or BF there. But, my guess is that the conversation won't go anywhere and SS will keep doing what he's doing. So, protect yourself.

ilayeggs's picture

Yeah we are both at her mercy with the oldest, which is why I let it go the first time I heard their son was lying because I didn't want to risk making her mad. The time I heard the first allegations, I told him that his son was not welcome at our house anymore. But then I decided to let it go because I know he's got issues and I didn't want her to accuse me of trying to keep his kids from him. I would never do that. I see the way that she treats him when he is over there and it makes me feel so bad for SS because she  yells and curses at him. He tells me he is miserable over there, so I wanted to continue to give him a place to go to get away from her. Well, not anymore. I am done lol. He can put up with her and I will not be there to give him a place to go anymore. 

ilayeggs's picture

And even more unfortunate, SS's father is not in his life at all. He knows my SO as dad but he also knows that he is not his real father. He has brought this up to me in the past and I genuinely think this is one of the biggest factors that contribute to his issues. Meanwhile, his father has a family and three other children that he DOES take care of, but he hasn't seeen the boy since he was 3 years old. For real, I feel horrible for this kid because he's already so messed up and it's only going to get worse because she will never admit there is a problem with her son. She will always deflect the blame onto others and say that they are the reason for his problems. Unfortunately in this instance, that deflection is on me.

Dogmom1321's picture

This EXACT same thing happened to me when SD was 8. We had just changed to 50/50 custody. SD would come to our house and act like she was sooo excited to be here. She would bash BM's boyfriend and his kids. She would say things also like "I wish you were my real Mom." DH and I were naive and thought SD was actually feeling this way. 

Turns out BF called DH one day out of the blue. He started off the conversation about how he cares about SD but knows she is lying about somethings. Apparently, SD was going over the THEIR house and saying "All _____ does is sit on her phone" (at the time it was summer and I was taking her to the pool EVERYday "_____ always sends me to my room." "She yells at me." "She doesn't do anytihng with me." 

I was PISSED after DH told me this. I confronted SD as soon as she walked in the door. I asked her why she was lying and saying untrue things. I let her know that the households talk and we know what she is telling BOTH parents/families. She started crying. She got caught. I explained to her how lying to both US and BM only hurts everyone's feelings involved and gets people upset. We talked about what "stirring the pot means." Like I said, she was extremely upset when we talked to her, but it had to be done and I wasn't going to let me name get smeared. This was a hill to die on for me. Looking back, I should have discussed further with DH first, but I had to get my point across. After that, we never heard of SD making up these lies again. We also continued to shut down ANY negative talk about BM. Best of luck. 

ilayeggs's picture

Yep, basically the same exact thing. And it sounds like he's doing it to ALL of us, including BM and her BF. He will even do it to his little brother. Some people will just take and take until you have nothing left to give and that's basically what's happened with me and this child. Thank you for your sharing your experience!

Harry's picture

Nothing good is going to come out of this relationship. You are spend time and money on a kid who has a BM and BF what you or SO are not.   Going through this cr*p for a non related child would be too much for me.   Let him stay with BM and make life easier for your family 

ilayeggs's picture

I know what you're saying, and I have definitely felt this way at one point. However, I never wanted to be the monster who takes a dad away from his child, whether it's biological or not. This kid's dad basically abandoned him and started a new family and does not care for him at all. Since my SO was there pretty much since he was 1, it felt wrong of me to try and separate him from the person he loks at as dad. On top of this, I didn't want the kid to feel even more left out if we took the little one and not take him. Talk about making a child feel even more abandoned. So that was my reasoning for always including him. But at this point, ths child's issues go far beyond my scope of tolerance, so he is no longer welcome in my home or my life. As long as I am with his dad, I will always ensure that he has a relationship with him, but I will never be present during their visits ever again.

strugglingSM's picture

Kids can be really manipulative. Also, some kids are really sensitive to the need for their parents to hear certain things, so they default to saying what they think that parent wants to hear.

The BM in my life is "high conflict". We rarely speak of her and if she comes up, I give a vague, positive affirmation and move on. DH responds in appropriate adult ways when issues are raised - correcting misinformation and reminding Skids that some issues are adult issues and therefore, none of their business. BM, on the other hand, has made it clear to Skids that both DH and I are terrible people and she is the victim. One SS told all who would listen how DH and I just sit around talking about how much we hate BM when he is with us. This caused us no end of drama because DH's dumbo of a brother believed the kid (BM called DH's brother and said "oh, please talk to SS, he is so upset about his dad" and dumbo brother did so, in secret, without telling DH). MIL also got involved. It has ruined my relationship with both of them and severely impacted DH's relationship with them (they are both boundary-less, manipulative people and he is used to the way they act, so he is more forgiving and more used to their behavior).

I now avoid that Skid for the most part. He is in high school now, but I met him since he was 9 and he has always been manipulative and one to stretch the truth. He has also cheated (or attempted to cheat) at every game we've played and is constantly playing the victim, so it's not just when it comes to BM. 
 

To make matters worse, he lies to BM and then BM adds her own exaggerated spin to the tale in the retelling. It's a no win situation and I don't try to share the truth with others anymore...even DH's family. 

ilayeggs's picture

It's unbelievable, how you can do so much for someone and that is how they repay you. Granted, I know kids are not exactly aware of the sacrifices that adults make for their children, but it's enough to really hurt. Not going to lie, the first time I heard he was doing this, I cried. When I heard he was accusing me a second time, I broke down. I was so mad I was shaking. I even said to my significant other that he is probably doing it to get attention from his mother. He has often come to me in the past and told me how his LB never gets punished but he gets punished for everything. He also says her BF treats him unfairly and they coddle the LB because he's the baby in the house now. I think he feels as though his mother rejects him, so maybe this was a ploy to get on her side and feel some type of connection with her. Her and I have never gotten along, she began saying nasty stuff about me from the very beginning when I was trying to befriend her. 

strugglingSM's picture

Same here. I was so upset when I was first told what SS told BM I said. BM said, "he was very sincere." However, when ever DH tells her what SS says about her house, she will say that DH is "lying" or that what SS says is not true. It's maddening.

Very early on, BM sent an email to her entire family and DH's entire family saying that SS told her that I wanted DH to move next door to her, so he could stop paying child support. She also sent me a FB friend request and then cried and called me "aggressive" for not accepting it. Those are just two of the things she did quite early (combined with the fact that she used to call DH daily to insult him or scream at him), that made me go completely no contact with her.

Floral_SM's picture

I thought I was reading one of my blogs it sounds so familiar. SD6 does the exact same thing. Rags on her mum here, 'she's so lazy, she lies in bed, she's always late.. ect'. She lied and said I smacked her. I've had it all I think with her. Toxic BM i have is HC and the worst human being on the planet. Don't get me started on her parenting.

I now ignore SD's comments and tell her to stop her games, they won't work here. She shuts up straight away now. If she tries anything i ignore her and walk away. I make DH deal with it when he comes back into the room. She has learnt now pretty quick she gets a brick wall from me and a serve from her dad. If she tries to tell BM, what can BM do? Say to a court 'My ex raises his voice to my 6 yr old and she is always in trouble?' It's just laughable now what she tries to pin on my DH. She also knows SD lies and admitted in a text she knew SD lied about me smacking her so we have that documented. 

In all, SD has gotten better now we have done this. I guess it helps she isn't the brightest tool in the shed and a good liar has to have a good memory haha.