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Biological Mother Of A Troubled Re-Teen Who Understands The Step Parent!

Stacy1161's picture

I am the biological mother of a troubled child! We deal with many different issues concerning my son. I see my husband also deal with it. I see his frustrations with my son, as I too have. It sometimes seems as if he doesn't like my son. Sometimes it bothers me that he seems that way, & acts that way but then again at other times I kinda don't blame him for feeling that way because I too sometimes don't like him & he's my own son. I know that's sad to say about your child but people that don't deal daily with troubled children/teens couldn't possibly begin to understand. I often wonder how my husband could want to remain with me, remain in a home with a child such as mine, & not just leave. I think if I got into a relationship & he had a kid as bad as mine I'd probably just run! He's a good one....

My son is 12 years old & I deal with all... from lying right to our face, just about everything (when you KNOW the truth & he still won't admit, not even when you catch him red handed), to starting arguments (it sometimes seems like he loves to argue), to casting the blame on everyone else, (claims he does no wrong & that it's everyone else's fault), to being disrespectful, to having difficulty making & keeping relationships with peers, to being easily annoyed, to poor coping skills, to his struggle with self control, to having poor hygiene, to having less than age appropriate behavior, to refusing to follow diresctions, to making threats to harm others, to procrastinating, to doing half-fast work, to being distructive, controlling, sneaky, stealing, & sometimes even perverted, abusive, & even suicidal.

I remember seeing bad kids on talk shows (before I had kids). I remember saying, My kid won't act like that, I'd whoop my kids butt, & so on & so forth.... but if you don't LIVE it than you don't know it!

When I was pregnant with my son, inside of me he actually seemed somewhat hyper. I remember him moving around a lot. When he was born he didn't sleep like most newborn & woke every 2 hours (he was bottle fed). He hated the swing, & for a long time he hated being in his car seat riding in the car. He would scream & cry the entire time as if he were maybe feeling car sick. When he was a toddler I remember him getting frustrated and angry when he wasn't understood (because he had a speech delay). I also remember him running off a lot. It use to seem like he purposely would wait for a car to come & dart right for the middle of the street. I have raised my son as a single mother from the beginning of his life. His dad was KINDA, SOMEWHAT (when he wanted to be) in his life up until he was 3 1/2 then sent off to prison.

My son has seen many different therapists since he was 1 1/2 years old. Was in First Steps until he was 3 for Speech & Occupational Therapy. Then was in the Early Learning Childhood Center, went to Preschool for kids with issues, mental & physical delays. Has since seen psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, counselors, & therapists over his behaviors. He was diagnosed with Depression when he was like 4, still had speech delay as well. Then ADHD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Bipolar, Borderline Learning Disabilty, & still the Speech Delay when he was around 6 (adhd was dropped, he's wasn't hyper). Then diagnoses changed at around age 10, keeping the diagnoses of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, but dropping Bipolar, & added Depression, & Oppositional Defiant disorder, & still having Borderline Learning Disability & Speech delay. Speech delay was dropped at age 11 1/2 due to complete improvment.

Today my sons diagnoses are Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Oppositional Defiant disorder, Depression, & still has a Learning Disability. Despite his learning disability he is actually a rather smart kid when he puts his mind to it, & is very artistic.

His interests are Video Games, Computer, TV, Food, & Drawing.

I understand that my son has diagnoses but just because there is a name for what's going on with him doesn't make it any easier. I was diagnosed with depression for the 1st time when I was 14. I was not a troubled kid/teen. I was shy, quiet, & didn't get into much trouble. I still today struggle with depression that comes & goes just when ever it wants. I have also struggled with anxiety. I tried just about every med known for my diagnose & all they do is make me feel worse! I hate depression pills! & yes I have done therapy too!

It's sometimes hard to deal with him & myself too. I get so overwelmed.... I get angry & I cry, especially when he acts these ways. He just wants what he wants, & things to go his way or else! Sometimes I even question who I can call to just come get him & take him out of my life forever!!!, because I get to my wits end with this boy! But then I begin to feel sad & worry that if I sent him off to be in the foster kid system & he went & lived in someone else's home & acted there the way he does here, he might just end up dead!

I've tried all that I know to try & help my son. Was even in the CA-PRTF Program, which stands for Community Alternatives to Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facilities. It's a program where he gets a Mentor that takes him for a couple of hours every week (twice a week during school vacations), we got Family Counseling weekly, on top of his individual therapy, & met with the Wrap Around Facilitator once a month to speak of progress, what needs help, & etc. We were in the program for a while & me & my husband seen this program as being no help, not for our son anyways! The facilitator kept telling us to give it time, but I don't know how much time needed to pass before we began seeing real noticable improvment. I even remember his mentor bringing him home on a few different occasions telling us something that my son did that he him self didn't understand or know how to correct or handle. I decided to drop this program after 2 years!

I've been dealing with so many problems with my son for so very long. Today my son is 12, as I stated above. & still today I sometimes don't know what to do or how to handle. Not everyday is such a stuggle but many times a week is. I do love my son, if I didn't I would had given up a long time ago. I understand that it's my responsibilty to take care of him but sometimes I really just wanna run away!

I feel like I'm failing my son though. I want him to grow into a bright, loving, & successful young man, but lately I really don't feel like he ever will, no matter what I do. I don't know how else to help him & I've lost my energy. Why can't he understand that what he's doing is hurting me? Why won't he just be good? Why can't he just control his self & take accountability for his self? I know that kids are supposed to be a gift from God, a Blessing, but sometimes I feel like I was cursed! I wasn't bad when I was a kid, why is my kid bad? What did I do to deserve this? I'm losing hope.....

I have a daughter as well that is 16 months younger than my son & she is a complete opposite! She barely moved when she was inside of me, slept through the night when she was born, was quiet, content, & all around a pretty good kid! She was noticed to have some struggles once she got into school and was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 6. I begged the school to test her because I seen her struggles with school work, even after the testing & diagnoses of ADHD, & put on meds to try & help control. My daughter was held back 2 grade levels, & I begged numerous times before they finally did testing on her. She was found to also be Borderline Learning Disabled! She has been getting extra help from the school now since around the middle of last school year, & every since... Her grades & behavior reports has improved! I took her off of the ADHD meds just a month ago. She is still doing well, much better than before!

My kids father walked back into their life last year (he had been out of prison for a while before even contacting me to see his kids), but he did end up taking them twice for a weekend & even took them this past summer during their summer vacation. My son was excited to go. My kids dad would sometimes call me though & want me to go get our son. Said that he was being disrespectful, bad, or what have you. I told him no though! I said, you said that you were going to keep him for the summer & that's what you will do! Now you know how I have been feeling & what I've been dealing with for years, while you've been no where around providing help & support. I got my kids back like 1 week before my kids Summer Vacation was over. We have not heard from or seen their dad since, & no, I get no support from him!

If I knew then what I know now! Could'a, Would'a, Should'a....... J/S

~Stacy~

Starla's picture

Wow your story hit home for us... We totally feel for you!

When I read your story, I was amazed to hear all you have gone through. When my husband came home from work, I had him read your story too. First thing he reply's with, is "that sounds like my daughter". If you ever want to chat in private, let us know. Day to day can be a real challenge & you have your hands full.

Thoughts & prayers are with you!

stepsonhatesme's picture

Stacy, I swear I couldv'e written almost this entire post. My BS almost 18 is ODD, AHDH and acts EXACLY like your 12S. My BD is 15 months younger (almost 17). and she has a speech/learning disability also. WOW! I thought I was the only one that had polar opposites, Thank you for letting us(me) see that we (I) are not alone.
If you ever want to chat, I will, too

giveitago's picture

I am so sorry for what you are going through, we had it with SD from age 13 up until now. The juvenile justice system could not even handle her and two group homes kicked her out! She got a two year sentence for assault on the elderly and she was to serve drug court in leu. She failed drug court and ended up doing her time in a secure juvenile facility. She is not going to live here, DH and I both agree on that, and she is doing 'her thing' at her mom's house now. I love her very much but I am not having the lifestyle she leads in our home. I could write a whole book on that kid!