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Bio lack of parenting and challenges

openhkheart's picture

Anyone else have an issue with the biological parent not parenting and you’re the only one really trying to get some structure, respect and responsibility into the child?  

openhkheart's picture

I had a feeling I wasn’t the only one lol. But boy, do I need a place to vent!! 

Rags's picture

for a successful blended family marriage for SParents to be equity parents with their equity life partner regardless of kid biology.  IMHO of course.

My wife and I  agreed on this very early in our blended family marriage.  Not that the occasionally disconnect has not happened.  In those cases I was clear with her that if she didn't like how I parent or discipline then she could step up and get it done before I had to.

This worked for us in raising SS-25.  We met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Yep, that's pretty common around here. But you know what? You need to stop. All the "parenting" from you won't amount to anything if the bioparents aren't on board. Never care more than the parents- you'll end up disappointed every time.

Veronikat's picture

I think it all depends how much time you spend with you step child in comparison with how much time they spend with their bio parents. I think kids especially need their step parent if their bio parents are not “up to the task”. Of course this might leave you the step parent with a bad taste in our mouth when the bio parents dont acknowledge all your hard work or every time doctors or teachers tell you “you are not THE parent” but at the end of the day I believe the “neglected” child you are step parenting will be grateful to you which sounds make it worth it.

openhkheart's picture

It’s a challenge to stop under a roof you 1/2 own. This kid has caused major trouble at school (even put a kid in the hospital a couple of years ago), he’s been put into alternative school and was almost kicked out of there. He lies, is disrespectful, manipulative, lazy, entitled, etc. We got along fine until I expected him to have structure and clean up after himself in a house I 1/2 own. He’s these ways towards his dad too but his dad babies it or ignores it to avoid more tantrums. I never allow him alone with my yorkie anymore either because there was proof he did something to him a few months back too. Now my dog barks consistently at him when they’re in the same room. 

openhkheart's picture

He’s asked me before who do I think his father would choose me or him. He asked with a smirk on his face. He told me when his dad’s ex asked him to clean his room that he hit her in the head with a hard covered book. He told me no one can control or handle him. The last almost 3 years has been packed with issues with this kid. I left for about a month last year not sure we were going to make it because the kid snapped one night. Throwing things, slamming into walls, screaming and threatening, yelling he hates me and my dog, went outside scream yelling that he was going to kill people. He told his dad he’d throw him in jail when he actually started to get onto him that night. 

Ispofacto's picture

If he threatens, throws, hits, grabs, pushes, damages, or slams, call the cops and have his ass hauled to juvie.  Don't take him back until they force you to.  Don't hire a lawyer for him.  I did this and it worked for me.

Also, my DH grabbed my son and threw him to the ground for putting his hands on me.  Cops arrested son.  Cops HATE disrespectful teens.  Cop threatened to beat son's ass himself.  Cop also threatened to arrest other son who was mouthing off at that moment.

openhkheart's picture

You’re right. And I did threaten after that night that if he pulls another night like that then the cops will be called. I told my fiancé I don’t care if he gets mad either or not. That night he threatened to throw his dad in jail when he said, “You want your ass beat with a belt at 15?” 

Ispofacto's picture

I want to caution you.  You have oppositional defiant disorder going on here, and it sounds like you might have a conduct disorder on your hands too.  Discipline works for younger kids, but with a teen like this, sometimes it is too late, and the best you can do is maintain the peace until you can get them out the door (insist your DH agree to force his launch).  If you get into a power struggle with him, he may escalate things.  He can damage your property or hurt you, and no one can supervise him 24/7.  So pick your battles.  If he wants to keep a messy room, it may be easier to just close his door.  But passing school to graduate is non-negotiable.

Here are some resources on ODD kids from the makers of the total transformation program:

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-prob...

openhkheart's picture

This is what I’m working on now. As hard as it is. But I’m kind of disengaging in all aspects. 

openhkheart's picture

Lol sorry some of this cracked me up. I believe some of you got the wrong impression. I AM the one that puts my foot down. That’s why the kid doesn’t like me anymore and it causes a lot of tension in the house. Dad puts up with it and I don’t. Once I get fed up enough and even get upset with dad THEN he helps with the discipline and makes him do chores but not consistently. But me coming into the picture has changed this boys, “pampered little existence” because I continually don’t put up with it and give it back. I also continue to enforce responsibilities on the kid. Pretty much to the point to where I drive them both crazy with it. That was my point to begin with, the major dramatic trouble started because I won’t put up with it and expect structure, respect and responsibility from him. My point is how challenging it is when the bio parent isn’t strict with it and babies their parenting. Especially with bratty teens. 

openhkheart's picture

His dad and I got into an argument about it yesterday. I snapped again and let my fiancé have it. They got in last night and he had the kid fully cleaning his room and doing his laundry. I was too annoyed and pretty much gave myself a night to myself blocking them both out. My fiancé hates that.  The kid was arguing through 1/2 of it but did it. Then his dad comes in all, “I’m making him clean honey. Do you want me to make you something to eat?” I said, “No. And we’ve gone through this before when I get upset enough where you actually parent for a night. I’m talking consistency. He needs to know he’s not in charge and he doesn’t own this house. He’s been getting to live in it for now.” HOWEVER, before that he also drove him all the way to his moms who lives in another town to get a HUGE tv he got for free from someone there. And of course it’s now in his bedroom. It’s WAY too big and looks very tacky. I told his dad if he doesn’t keep that room up then the big tv goes into the living room and he can have a small one in there or so without. He has to earn things. 

openhkheart's picture

And thank you all for the safe place to vent without the drama of their excuses. 

Cashspops's picture

Yes I have many issues because of this. I think my fiance feels guilty cuz his dad left.. anyways I came from a very structured household and she came from her grandparents house where her grandmother was a drunk and her grandpa was always at work.. so she don't know real life parenting. She parents out of a book. Im old school and believe in real discipline. When I look back I never once talked back to my dad, I have a lot to offer in my eyes. 

 

Anyways he is 8 and always talks back to her and rarely listens the first two times. She let's him slide all the time. Let's him play his video games or watch cartoons or play with his friends without doing his chores, you know shit like that. Still picks out his outfit and helps him shower. Let's him sleep with her every weekend and I strongly disagree with that, she doesn't care that he eats with his mouth open, she doesn't teach him manners. When he was 7 I  had to throw a huge fit so she would allow me to show him how to tie his shoes cuz she wasnt doing it and wasn't going to do it anytime soon..  oin she still buys him slip on cuz it's to "hard for him" f*** that!! All of the above me and his mom argue over daily. I want structure and discipline  in the house

 The kids never going to be able to figure shit out on his own. Im trying to change the way she does things so I don't have to deal with a dependent teen or adult in the future and cuz I love this kid..  I can't stand it. 

To top it off I'm not allowed to discipline or have a say in any of this. It drives me nuts! When she's around he doesn't listen to me and I yell and I get called the bad guy ( keep in mind this happens all the time).. why can't she flip out on him for not listening. It happens all the time. She undermines me. I just supposed to watch my SS get raised wrong? I can't help but give her my two cents. 

 

I badly want to leave but I don't want to leave my real son behind, he's two and I love him to death.. oh and btw she doesn't let him slide at all. Shes on him like a fly on shit.  For example my SS will hit him and won't get yelled at.. but if my son hits my SS he gets yelled at.. she tucks my SS in every night with a big kiss and doesn't give my son the same treatment. 

 

HELP ME PLEASE!!

openhkheart's picture

I REALLY hope this changes for you too b/c my fiancé’s kid has been an issue even at 8 years old as well. In 4th grade, he had school cops chasing him down the street. She’s probably is babying him more because his dad did leave. But that’s no excuse to not teach structure, respect and responsibility. Some parents don’t seem to realize his is actually to help them into their own future. I told my fiancé the world is going to slap this kid hard in the face and after my years of trying, I’m probably going to sit back with a bowl of popcorn and just enjoy the show. Because I’ve tried and tried and now I’m at a point of being done. Of course, this kid is almost 16. There’s more hope at 8 years old. I would bring up the issue of how she treats the 2 year old compared to the 8 year old. That’s flat out unacceptable. And it’s more understandable to have to teach them from the age of 2. 8 is old enough to know. 

Cashspops's picture

I have brought up the issue and she just doesn't seem to see it or she's just lying and doesn't want to be put on the spot.. I don't want to grab a bowl of popcorn and watch it all unfold when he's older.. I really want to just keep my mouth shut but it's so hard!

openhkheart's picture

It’s definitely something to address! It gets worse the older they get because they start learning that they have control and can do what they want. 

openhkheart's picture

I’ve set the boundaries, held my ground, etc. I’M the one that does. That’s why his behavior got crazier. I’m now working on the disengaging method and seeing how that goes. So far, my fiancé is not liking it. Btw, this kid also a few months back got mad at school. He threw a tantrum, screaming, punched a wall and broke his hand. Well, today since I was home, my fiancé text me asking if I’d look all over the house for the kid’s arm brace b/c his mom will be picking him up from school and he thinks he lost it. He said it’d be quicker if I found it first. I simply replied with, “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” I’ve not spoken to the kid since he came back to his moms last time and any time my fiancé tells me anything about him I just say, “hhmm.” I’m trying to get the point across that I’ve just had it with this kid and that I don’t necessary have to make him a part of my life. That’s between him and the kid’s mom. I’m not going to have anything to do with a kid who treats me this way nor will I help get him to school anymore.

Rags's picture

children in the home regardless of kid biology.

So PARENT!!!!!  Confront any kid behaviors that deviate from the household behavioral and performance standards.  Zero tolerance, zero quarter given, apply consequences and keep applying and escalating them until you force compliance.

The same applies for  your SO.  If he doesn't like how you parent and discipline his kids then he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU and have your back until it can be discussed in private.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Delivering a state of abject misery tends to deliver desired  behavior changes.  Consistent enforcement returns consistent behaviors.

It isn't rocket science.

openhkheart's picture

Hence what I said about my fiancé not keeping consistency but I have. This is what has caused the major issues. This has been going on for almost 3 years. 3 years of me standing my ground and being consistent but the father not. Hard to keep them from some things when the father ends up doing it when it’s just the two of them b/c he thinks they, “behaved well for a night.” But you reach a point where if their future blows up in their face then it’s on them. I think my fiancé’s problem is he wants to be the friend and not the parent. And I came into the picture and enforced respect, structure and responsibility. My fiancé thinks it doesn’t change over night. I said 3 years isn’t over night and consistency is what is key. 

Rags's picture

Rewarding what should be normal behavior is a big source of these types of problems IMHO.  Expected behaviors should not be rewarded. They just are and anything less should not be tolerated. 

As such I do not believe that chores should be used as punishment nor should expected behavior be rewarded.

Rewards are for exemplary behavior, punishment is for failure to comply with behavioral standards.