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BF allowing girlfriend to be called 'mom'....(slightly long)

exhaustedmomma's picture

My BS6 was with his dad this weekend. I am friends with BF's girlfriend on Facebook. I'm comfortable with her, trust her completely, not to mention the fact that I've known her for as long as I've known the BF. I don't mind being friends on FB, considering the BF does not communicate well with me, it is usually her and I that keep up with things. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but at least I have someone that I can entrust my son's well being with every other weekend.

WELL, yesterday while scrolling through Facebook, I come across a picture that my son drew. Her caption said "This made my day...he made it special for me & daddy" and it was a picture of something that my son drew for the two of them that said "Dad & Mom" at the top.

Yes, he titled the picture "Dad & Mom". Now, as his mother, I was hurt. But I'm trying to find out, am I wrong for wanting to confront the BF and girlfriend about this??? BF and girlfriend haven't even been dating for a year. While, yes, she has been a friend of the family and known BS6 since he was born, they have not been in an official relationship until recently.

Now, let me add a loop into this whole situation. I have a significant other as well. We have been together for almost 4 years now. There once was a time in BS's life where his father was absent (he screwed up after we split up and landed a ticket to prison for just shy of 2 years). BS was younger, obviously, but my significant other was there for him as a father figure, for the entire two years BF wasn't around. So yes, he does call my fiance 'daddy'. I'm sure a lot of you may say it's a double standard, but I feel like the girlfriend just came around as far as a girlfriend role, whereas my fiance was a father figure for him when he didn't have one. I just don't want to blow this out of proportion if it seems like I'm just overthinking this, but I really am beyond uncomfortable with this. Is it wrong?

MissElphaba's picture

I would be very upset, but I don't think I would've let ds call fiancé daddy either - that may be how it happened with the gf, he thinks that's what he's supposed to do.

AllySkoo's picture

Unfortunately, the previous two posters are right. You can't really make an issue out of this since you allow your son to call your fiancee "Daddy". It IS a double standard. There's no rule anywhere that says, "If you're around for THIS length of time you can be called Mommy or Daddy, but until then you should be called by your first name." If he calls the man in your house Daddy, then it makes perfect sense that he'd call the woman in BD's house Mommy.

For the record, I'm against steps being called Mommy or Daddy at all! But if you're going to do that, then you've got no leg to stand on when it goes both ways. Sorry.

exhaustedmomma's picture

Well, I guess I'm in thick mud then. I understand where everyone is coming from in their replies, and I thank you. It was a hard road for my bs. He's gone through therapy, and lots of it, because of his BF (details I didn't think were necessary initially, and may still not be now) He does know who his real parents are. I guess the hang up I'm having with it is, my so was, and still is, more of a father figure to him. Now, I also understand that does NOT change who his bio is. BF gets him every other weekend, thats it he doesn't come around for anything else. And this past weekend, for example, he wasn't even home. His girlfriend cared for him, not his BF. He doesn't come to his soccer games, school functions, etc. Pays child support here and there, usually when he gets a notice that his license will be suspended. Now, I know some of that is just me being aggravated. But how do you think that makes my bs feel when he doesn't attend things, yet my SO is right there cheering him on?

I'm not trying to get into every aspect of my entire situation, but I also wonder that if you knew the reason he went to prison, and his lack of trying to change his life for the better since he's been released, it may (or may not) change some opionions. I fully understand what 'ripleyV2' said for example. "Spouses can come and go, but bio parents are for life". Obviously, I understand that.

Also - to repleyV2, while he was in prison, I attempted to have him sign his rights off, but he refused. Why? I have no clue. And I don't mean that maliciously. I'm not a terrible psycho ex wife that people hear horror stories about. I also tried to have his rights taken away through my lawyer. Her reply? "By the time we have a court hearing in a month or two, he'll be released". FYI - he stayed in prison for a year and a half after she told me that.

Now again, I'm not trying to go into every single detail, but it's a lot more involved than a simple "he calls my SO dad, etc".

Now, Please also understand, I'm not going to tell my BS that he just can't do that either. I want to talk to him about it to see how this all came about, but that's it. I also want to talk to BF and ask why I wasn't consulted, especially prior to seeing a post of FB. No, I didn't consult him with my SO, but I'm not sorry about that one guys. He was in prison, I can't stress that one enough. I'm not going to write my ex (LadyFace - we were married for almost 3 years) in prison and ask his permission. I think the thing that hurt the most was her posting the picture. She knows I'm his mother, and knows I'm friends with her and that I will see anything she posts. I surely don't go around posting things where my son refers to my SO as dad where his BF can see it.

blayze's picture

From the time I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, I called my best friends' mothers "Mom". It's a term of endearment and respect. It does not mean that you are being replaced... trust me. My mom sucked (LOL) and calling someone else her "title" took nothing away from her. Sometimes for kids, it's just plain weird to call an adult by their first name. Please don't confront your ex and his gf over this.

BUT... when my own mother MADE ME call another man (step-father) "Dad" or "Papa" or some other father-related crap, my respect for her went down the tubes. I had never met my father and I still thought it was bullshit to be MADE to call another man Dad.

StepX2's picture

I agree that the title of mom and dad should be reserved for only the bio parents but like most things there can and will be exceptions.
In your case both bios are alive and KNOWN by the child. Your son will know in due time which of his parents, bio or step, were willing parents. The SM sounds like a great person to have in your son's corner just as your SO is.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as the child isn't being lied to regarding who his bio parent is, I don't think there's a lot of damage being done and there's no reason to make an issue out of it.

Teas83's picture

SD6 has tried calling me "Mommy" here and there over the years. Out of respect for BM (haha, respect for BM) I told her not to. I told her that she only has one Mommy and she shouldn't call anyone else that.

But she calls BM's boyfriend "Daddy" according to BM and her lawyer.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You don't know that the couple encouraged him to use that title. Maybe the drawing "made her day" because he slapped that word on it himself and it would surely be an honor to see it. Maybe she didn't have the presence of mind to come up with something appropriate to say to him that would set him straight.

Or maybe they do tell him to call her mom.

In any case, this woman is no threat to your status as the real mom. I always admired a close friend of mine who was very traumatized by his 2 kids calling their stepfather "dad." SF was BM's affair partner, so this was pretty hideous. Not to mention BM was a pos. But one day he realized the bickering and demanding and counter-demanding about the word "dad" was causing a great deal of stress to his kids. So he decided to let it go and he gave his kids his ok to keep up the practice. Life was more peaceful for everyone since pos bm wasn't going to disappear into thin air any time soon. Kids always knew who their real dad was.

Yes, your ex is a jailbird and rotten but he will always be their father. Can't change that. And if you go picking fights you may not be able to win with the sm, you risk losing the goodwill of the one person you trust to watch your kids when they are at jailbird's place. And, yes, you started the whole thing -- so, yes, you are hoping for a double standard.

It's unpleasant but those are the various factors involved. My advice is let it go. You lose nothing by dropping it and risk everything by pursuing it.

Rags's picture

As heartbreaking as it may be for BPs, kids are smart. They know who is being a mother or father to them. Your BS calls your SO "Daddy" because your so is his daddy. While XH was picking up soap on the prison showers for bubba the lifer for two years your SO became Daddy.

How new is BioDad's new GF. Not that new I would assume since you have known her for a very long time.

I met my bride when SS was 15mos old and we married a week before he turned 2yo. Though he has always known his Sperm Idiot I am the first person he called Dad(dy) and I am the only REAL father he has ever had. He also calls his Sperm Idiot "Dad" but everyone in his life knows that I am the man he considers his dad.

See if you can determine what is driving the new closeness with XH's GF. You many find that she is doing well for your son and maybe Mom is a title he thinks she is earning. It does not necessarily diminish your mom status.

Take care of yourself and your boy.