Being Alienated..
Alright, to get this started I am not a parent. I am a 17 year old stepdaughter, but I just want to seek advice from other stepparents in hopes that stepparents aren't like my stepmother. Sorry it's a little long.
When I was hardly a year old, my parents divorced. My father got married to a new woman quickly. I remember loving my stepmother, there was no resentment when I was a baby. I have no idea what happened but eventually when she got pregnant with my brothers (Quadtriplets!) When I was three, I went from seeing my dad one week then my mother, it switched to living with my dad every other weekend.
When I turned ten, that's when our relationship first went to hell. She clearly loves my brothers more, that's not a problem but when I was ten it hurt. I'm close to my brothers, but she hates that. When I turned fourteen and I got my first period she yelled at me for bleeding on the sheets and told me to walk to the store and buy my own products. When I told my dad he confronted her and she started crying, so dad got mad at me.
Eventually I stopped seeing my dad and brothers for a year but then my dad demanded his visitations back, but then he managed to bring back ulternating weeks. I was glad to see him again. I got a job by then fyi, so it wasn't like I was being lazy and useless in the house. My dad goes on a lot of business trips, so my stepmom makes me do all the chores of the house while my brothers do nothing. When I come back from work, she yells at me for not contributing to the house.
I try bein nice to her as much as I can, I don't even talk back but she hits me. When I try to talk to my dad he sides with her. When I ask to spend some time with everyone, he tells me to stop being so needy.
She keeps directly telling me that I was an accident and that I better not cause problems. There are times when she even talks trash about me to my brothers, they shut her down but when they don't want to hear it she comes and takes it out on me.
I've since then picked up a second job to stay away from home and I spend some nights with my boyfriend (My age, but she calls me a... And no, there's no 'fooling around') Here's what happened LAST NIGHT.
I came home a little late, I called the house to tell my dad. My stepmom picked up and she was being really nice to me out of nowhere. But when I got home, my dad was comforting her while she was crying. Apperently she told him that I was swearing at her and telling her I wanted to live ONLY with my mom and stepdad (Who treats me like his own) he got all pissed at me and sent me to my room.
So here I am now, I haven't left my room since. I love my dad, I don't want to cut ties with him ever. I'm saving up for uni, and he's kind enough to give me some money. We used to be close, but I don't know what happened.
Any stepparents know what's going on? What I should do? Or if you think I'm the problem and need to change something? Also, if you have any experiance with stepparenting or being a step child? Share.
Assuming this is not a troll post
the next time she hits you call the POLICE. Skip your dad. Skip the drama and call and have her charged with domestic violence and/or child abuse. Record her as well. You deserve better. Your brothers deserve better. Don't inform your dad or stepmom that you plan to call the authorities and just do it. Show your dad the recordings.
Now, I doubt you are an angel. I have raised three to your age and beyond and have another in the pipeline but it is never okay for anyone to lay a hand on you. Ever. Not a parent, stepparent, partner, or random stranger.
Thanking you for the advice
Thank you for the reply. I never thought I needed to, or at least I felt bad doing so because she makes my dad so happy. Also, I can't say it's easy to accept a stepchild as so with a stepparent, so I can't say I'm an absolute angel. I try to be helpful and quiet, or at the very least- forgiving to avoid problems. Thing is, she doesn't raise a hand to my brothers. She gives them hugs and kisses.
It doesn't matter
if she never touches your brothers. They are exposed to this and that is wrong. It increases their chances of abusing their own children or partners in the future.
I didn't mean anything by the not being an angel part. I just know teenagers, having raised a few. That doesn't mean you ever deserve to be hit or abused in any way.
Noted
Thank you.
I have a stepdaughter who
I have a stepdaughter who just turned 18, a stepson who is 20, and another stepdaughter who is 21.
The 21-year-old was a horrible, miserable child who fought with her two siblings (hit and scratched them constantly...as a teen!), was bulimic and cut herself for attention, said horrible things to her dad and siblings...and just, in general, made our lives miserable for years.
I still would never in a million years have laid a hand on her...and I only snapped at her / raised my voice two times in the 6 years she came over for visitation (12-18)...looking back...I think I was a saint. lol. I just can't imagine hurting my partner's kids on purpose.
Surprisingly enough, she's turned into a nice young woman who is working and going to school.
Being a stepmom is incredibly hard, even when you like your stepkids (for the most part, I like mine...but I still struggle with feelings of frustration and resentment). But...I would never, ever harm them and I want them to do well and succeed in life.
Thank God!
Thank god! I was almost ready to believe my SM was the 'typical' stepmom. I can't say it's easy to stepparent, mostly because of angry children and guilty spouses (As I have read) but it's good you put effort and didn't let your stepdaughter walk all over you.
You may see some stuff on
You may see some stuff on here that seems harsh...stepmoms letting loose about their horrible stepkids. That's because this is a venting site...and most stepmoms really feel like they're not allowed to express any frustrations or let their feelings be known in their real lives, so they let it out here.
The most common advice you'll see from other stepmoms is: "The problem isn't the kids, it's your husband / your lack of communications / unfair expectations / etc."
In other words...even though a lot of the women here vent about the kids, I believe the majority understand that the issues of stepfamily life always go back to the adults and the marriage.
It sounds like your stepmom has no problem voicing her concerns...and loudly. I find that's not typical.
If I were in your shoes, I would quit trying to figure her out or worrying about her...I'd just do what I'm supposed to do and stay away from her as much as possible.
Do you ever get one-on-one time with your dad? Would he be open to stopping visitation and just meeting you for dinner or lunch a couple times a week? Does your stepmom work...are there times when she's out of the house and you can spend time with your brothers and dad?
Yes and maybe
My stepmom works very short hours daily, it's actually ME who work two jobs and gets home late (To leave the house and save up for uni) I used to get one-on-one time with him, but my stepmom is more presistant. I know for a fact that if I asked to stop visitation and just take lunch I'd never see or hear from him or my brothers again, because my stepmom would throw tantrums. He's putty in her hands, he listens to her no matter what. Even if it's to stop seeing me. Out of sight out of mind unfortunately.
EDIT-
Although I said my stepmother hits me, she doesn't do it often, most of the time she screams and swears at me. She does not do this to my half-brothers.
PS -
PS -
I will also say...having 4 babies at once and then a stepkid who is 3-4...aka five kids under the age of 5...sounds like an absolute nightmare. They say it takes a year for your internal organs to go back into position after having a baby...I can only imagine the wreckage is worse when you have 4 at once.
I'm not saying this to excuse your stepmom at all...but if she felt unsupported during that time by your dad...it could have caused her to take things out on you...unfairly.
I know that, in the past, I've had a harder time with my stepkids when I've been angry at my husband or felt misunderstood or unsupported. It's almost like...you won't support me, why should I support you AND three extra people that you're bringing into the equation.
I've also been financially responsible for my stepkids, which has caused me some resentment.
Again...your stepmom should not put her hands on you ever. But you seem to genuinely want to understand her perspective...and these are some issues that can go on behind the scenes and cause irrational-seeming behavior.
I know my stepkids have no idea that I've paid the majority of the household bills for the past 5 years, for example. So, when SS is over for the holiday and asks to borrow his dad's bike...and my DH says: "No, but I'll rent you one for the day...let's go to the bike store."
It probably seems strange to my SS that I go dark and quiet for seemingly no reason...because he doesn't know that his dad has just offered to spend MY money on him...without even asking me first.
That's the kind of stuff that drives me crazy as a stepmom. I don't take it out on the stepkids, though.
Your stepmom and dad may have all kinds of issues and problems going on beneath the surface of the marriage...and you just see the unpleasant effects. Again...it's not your job to figure that stuff out. But you should know...it's not your fault...and it's not really even about you.
A YEAR??
It takes a year for her to recover? Wow, I've never known that's interesting. I do need to say you're right, even though my dad took time off to be with her I know she was probably afraid. I've noticed while reading posts here is that a lot of stepmoms are afraid of being abandoned. When I slept at my father's house, I don't recall my brothers being the crying type. (But I don't know I wasn't there all the time, but also they're still heavy sleepers today) I know it's not my job to figure her out, but I've just been desperate to know how to ease our relationship as much as possible. A part of me wants to say that she just yelled at him to the point when he defended her and not that he's acutally siding with her.
Ha ha - I only had one kid
Ha ha - I only had one kid and it took me ages to feel me again - but I was a bit older. And sleep? OMG, ha - never. My son didn't sleep through until he was 19 mos old. With four babies, it is non-stop and grueling physical labour just to keep them alive. Babies can't do anything for themselves and are a tremendous amount of work, more than you can imagine and frankly more than anyone ever really imagines before they have one themselves. I had one and I cannot imagine trying to deal with 4 at a time. You were young so you just may not remember what it was like. Be thankful you slept through when you were there, I can assure you that your dad and your SM did not.
However, this doesn't excuse how she is treating you. And setting you up the other night was inexcusable. I don't think it's good for you to be in that house.
I would suggest that you write down what you've written here and give it to your dad. Be careful, though, because I guarantee he will show your SM the letter you write to him. She will accuse you of lying. he may well side with her. We do not always get the parenting that we deserve and parents don't always protect their children as they should. If you have a phone, record stuff. If she hits you again, call the police. But still be prepared for your dad to defend her even after that.
Your SM is not normal. She
Your SM is not normal. She is an abusive criminal and you need to put her ass in prison for hitting you. Your younger brothers do not need that toxic influence in their lives any more than you do. Record her crap, bare her ass with fact and evidence, call the police if she ever again strikes you and play for your father the recordings of his toxic bride beating his child.
Do not try to justify your toxic SM’s crap and do not even consider your father’s feelings or love for this abusive woman. None of that matters. Only her criminal violence matters.
Take care of you and protect your baby brothers.
Congratulations on Uni and good luck to you.
So sorry!
This is just plain bad...
As a former SKid, I know SParents typically won't bond as tightly as BioParents will. It's pretty typical. I remember my SMom being all sappy sweet when dad was around, then "The Ice Queen" toward me when he wasn't. I was pretty upset with dad for believing her over me, but I accepted that fact after a few times and started looking for my exit... I joined the Marine Corps after graduating High School. When I came home, I was still only conditionally accepted by her, and EVERY (not most, but.every.time) TIME she spoke of her sainted kids, she went on with LAVISH praise for them. And anything I did that was pretty impressive, she'd trivialize it.
Some years later, her kids wound up HORRIBLY messed up, and now her son is dead, her daughter estranged. To hear it now, she goes on about how they were adopted and it's genetig or whatever else (not her parenting, NO, couldn't be that).
I didn't gloat, though the temptation was real. She was humbled, and I have since gotten a good relationship with her. My brother still hates her.
I've since been married and divorced and my own kids turned on me in that. That's a killer for me. They're young adults who failed to launch BC of the way XW insisted on raising them (f'rinstance, she YELLED, in front of the kids, "I REFUSE to allow you to ROB MY CHILDREN OF THEIR CHILDHOOD!!!" when I was trying to teach them how to mow the lawn). To date, they're helpless, practically 20+ yo toddlers.
I'm with a great lady now, but we do have our issues. She has a 13yo daughter and a 14yo son. They are 100% as rejecting of me as my SMom was at first. I have the keen position of being the major breadwinner at the house and her kids have the positions of being overly entitled, and so I have een able to "Disengage." Where I was doing AWESOME work to make their lives GREAT, I have now told DW that since her kids are being lousy to me, I will now do NOTHING for them. Christmas? They'll get a card, MAYBE; NOT a new tv or game console, NOTHING nice. Nice dinners will be reserved for just DW and me, but I won't bring them anywhere. This is how I do what I need to. I'm sure they'll see what's up and will step into line, but it'll take a while.
Now, to you...
How can a SKid disengage? That's tough. But what you CAN do is ask to sit down with SMom and dad and ask them what their expectation is of you. "Dad, EvilSMom, given the tension around the house lately, I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. And I know I have a good gig here with room and board, so I sure don't want to change that - however, with the hurt feelings and all, I just want to have a clearer picture of what you expect of me, since it seems EviSMom is so upset with me over things I really wasn't aware she'd get so upset about - like there's something underlying going on. I just want what's best for us all." And get HER to say in front of YOUR DAD what SHE wants. When you all look at the list, ask if you can get your half-brothers to take on some of the tasks so you don't feel like Cinderella. Then, when you ALL agree what works, put it in writing and stick to it.
Hope that helps - that's what I'd want to hear if I was your dad - as well as what I'd want to say if I was in your shoes. As for your SMom, I'm not sure what her deal is, but she seems to have something going on, and hoping that by setting boundaries, that'll shore up the weak spots.
...And your assignment:
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/03103...
Best of luck!