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BD20 is giving me an ulcer/Venting

Old sm's picture

My adult daughter is going to give me a bleeding ulcer.  

She is fascinated by the Asian culture-no issue with that at all.  The only men she's interested in are Asian-again, no issue with that either.   The problem is that we live in a very rural area; there are no men like that here. So, she has joined these chat rooms to meet Asian people and is now stepping it up to the next level which is going by herself to meet the people she has met on line. She meets people in public places but then runs all over the state with them.  And she is so desperate for a relationship that she is meeting men alone and going places with them. That scares the hell out of me especially since she's going so far to meet these guys. 

We have a tracker on her phone; she knows it's there and she can remove it any time. But she knows we worry so she hasn't done that -so far. The other day the tracker showed me she was at a restaurant where she was meeting a man for the first time; then his apartment complex, then the phone's location was in the middle of an isolated wooded area.  I was almost in a state of panic bc I was thinking something happened and she was dumped in the woods.  The news has been full of that stuff lately, missing girls, sex rings, etc. I texted, I called-no response.  I was getting ready to leave my job to look for her when she responded that she was OK-apparently the app glitched (which happens) and put the location in that area then a few seconds later back at the apartment. She came home safely.

I am so frustated.  She's an adult; I can't stop her from doing foolish things; God knows I did when I was her age-bar hopping, frat parties, getting drunk. She's at that age where all parents are stupid, she knows everything and thinks she can handle every situation that comes along. All I can do is voice my concern. If I criticize too much, she'll stop talking to me and letting me know what she's doing and where she's going.  She thinks she really knows people by conversing with them in chat rooms-maybe she does; IDK.   She won't give me alot of information bc she said that if I get scared bc she's not responding, I'll show up at some guy's place with the cops. She knows I'm concerned but if I push it too much, she'll shut down and then I really won't know what's happening.  She gets upset with me bc she says I don't trust her.  I trust her; it's the rest of the world that scares me. I'm really trying to not be a paranoid parent but it's so hard when I see her doing things that could get her raped, kidnapped or killed. God help me and keep her safe. 

Heading for the Maalox. 

hereiam's picture

The worrying never stops, does it? I don't have kids but I pretty much raised my sisters. I still worry about them (although not as much these days), and I worry about my nieces and nephews, who are also adults, now. Well, one niece is only 17, so I really worry about her.

But you know what? There's nothing I (or you) can do. They will make their own decisions (and mistakes), while we pray that everything will work out. We can give them guidance and advice when they ask for it, we can lecture them when they don't ask for it, but in the end, we just have to hope that they use common sense and that we taught them something.

I've lost A LOT of sleep over my sisters, so I do know where you are coming from. ((hugs))

Old sm's picture

I know, I know, I know. I can't stop her, I can't protect her from poor decisions. I tell myself this all the time. The logical side tells me I've done everything I can to teach her to be safe but the Mama in me just wants to shake her. I know I won't get any solutions but it feels better that I'm not alone with this too. Thanks 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

They are really into anime and Asian culture now. I can see Th is in my future too except I live in a college town. I have to take them to a comic con for cosplaying In two weeks . I can't pronounce the characters they are going to be. I have their electronics on lock down but i feel for you . My SD was just in the paper for being raped and beaten by her boyfriend . He wasn't a stranger but yes it happens and it is scary 

tog redux's picture

Can I suggest? Stop tracking her. You are going to make yourself crazy.  Back when we were 20, even if we were knuckleheads, our parents just had to trust that they'd instilled enough good sense that we wouldn't put ourself in bad situations. You have to do the same.

And for the record, girls got raped and murdered at pretty much the same rate as now, when we were that age. It's not more dangerous, though it seems like it is.

Old sm's picture

She can turn it off any time she wants; it's her choice to leave it on and she wants it on in case she needs help. We use ours all the time for each other so we can see when someone is coming home from work or is having vehicle problems, etc. We're not Nazis; we're family and we look out for each other. It's just hard to not worry about my daughter meeting men she knows only via the Internet

 

Winterglow's picture

Yes, she can turn it off whenever she pleases but ... that wouild stress you out even more, right? So YOU have to be the one to do it. Stop tracking her. She's an adult and you need to treat her like one. You can't keep watching over her for the rest of her life so make a decision to stop now. Right now. The tracking device is actually causing more stress than it's worth. It isn't keeping her safe, it's keeping you anxious. 

At age 20, I had been living in a fairly big city, 3-4 houirs from where my parents lived, for over 2 years. Did my parents stop worrying about me? No, but they trusted me to make the right decisions in my life based on what they taught me growing up. Please learn to trust your daughter's decision-making skills and also stop watching/reading the news so much. The world is no more dangerous than it ever was but, today, there is wo much more sensationalism that it seems to be a worse place than you could ever imagine. 

For your on well-being, just do it.