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Awkward atmosphere with stepson

Gh4975's picture

I definitely need to vent!  I feel like nobody understands my situation.  Since Covid I work every other week so I'm always around my annoying stepson since he has virtual school.  I basically avoid him at all cost if I can and we live in an apartment.  He doesn't really do the little chores that he has, he goofs off instead of doing schoolwork.  Everything he does just bothers me.  My husband doesn't really do anything about his schooling.  I don't want to be responsible for everything.  When I ask about his school stuff he lies or he's disrespectful to me.  My husband has full custoday so he's always here.  I look forward to when he stays over his grandmother's house once in awhile.  Some people say on here to disengage and not do much for your stepchild, but it can be difficult because then your spouse thinks that you don't care about there child.  I don't know what to do and it's definitely affecting our marriage.  I also think that he needs to be punished for not doing what he's supposed to.  He sets the example for out little guy.

weightedworld's picture

By the sounds of your vent, you know exactly what it is that you should do.

At least try it. 

Gh4975's picture

I do it to a point, but it's difficult to manage as far as fairness.  I don't even want to eat with him.  I avoid him as much as possible.  I even call him to eat after I'm done.  I'm going to try not to even look at his grades, but it's hard because his dad doesn't care much about it...somebody should! 

failuretolaunch's picture

spouse thinks that you don't care about there child

Bollocks to this. That is a tactic to get him to relinquish any responsibility and put it all on you. Your SK is not your problem. If he is not around to parent his kid during homeschooling then ask yourself why is that your problem. He can homeschool at grandmas. He has full custudy which means he has FULL RESPONSIBILITY, not full responsibilty to pass it on to you.

Not you're problem. After 12 years I've come to realise (too late) NOT my problem and it's not yours too. Let yuor SK sit and watch TV all day and play video games. Not your problem!!!!

Gh4975's picture

I'm trying to find a bit of a happy medium, but it's still tough.  If the school sends a message about anything I forward it to my husband.  My husband just complains that school's online and his son needs supervision...can't do anything about the pandemic.  This is the way it is for now.  I agree! send him to his grandmother's or figure something out.

Thank you Failureto launch

Dogmom1321's picture

Unsubcribe from these messages or ask the teacher to take you off the email list. It really is not your responsibility. DH should be handling communication with the school/teacher. 

If he thinks his son needs "supervision" HE needs to find a tutor, nanny, etc. for his child. It is not your job to be an unpaid tutor that is available at your DH beckon call. This shows your DH does not respect YOUR time if this is his expectation.

Gh4975's picture

hi I was thinking of removing myself from the email and school app, but if I did should I let the teachers know to only contact his Dad 1st?

failuretolaunch's picture

Just remove yourself. They should arelady have the dad's number, it is his child not yours. I hope they have his number and not just yours. If they only have yours that is such a telling sign.

Gh4975's picture

Ok I uninstalled the app. I think the email has to be taken off by the school.  It feels weird, but hopefully it will soon be a wait off!  I feel like nobody understands my situation.  Thank you so much

failuretolaunch's picture

I know it probably sounds alien and it did to me too. I've only been passing responsibility for the last month and it's really working. My partner calls my daughter now when she's away to pass the phone to her son, she knows not to get me involved in anytihng.

Step back from any responsibility, but do it slowly so it becomes natural. If SK is not handing in homework, or not attending online lessons, let the BD handle it. Remove yourself from the school txt's or phone number so you're not getting those any more...It should ALL go to him. He is the parent of this child not you. Would you handle/deal with another parents kid, no, you would say this isn't my child, this isn't my responsibility. I know it sounds strange and selfish because you want to be supportive, but you can be supportive without all the responsibility dumped on you. He needs to step up. He is treating you to a certain degree like the babysitter who isn't getting paid.

Rags's picture

How many kids, families, and marriages have been sacrificed to fairness?

Life isn't fair.  Even in intact and successful initial families there are differences in how different kids are parented and provided for.  Older kids often are born to younger couples who are early in their adult lives and careers. There just isn't a whole lot of resources compared to the resources available later in careers when kid(s) N2-NX are born and being raised.

kids are different and each will need slightly different support, parenting, and parental over site.  

Fairness has nothing to do with it.  

One thing that is absolutely not fair is forcing a younger child to be polluted by the behavioral crap perpetrated by an older child.  And vise versa for that matter.

Good luck.

Gh4975's picture

I took off the school app for a week or so, but I unfortunately put it back.  The reason is even though I'm not a fan of my stepson I feel like he needs someone to push him and to care and to know what's going on.  The app gives a lot of updates and it's how we communicate with the teachers.  School is over in 2 days and I will get rid of it permanently.  My husband needs to be more involved.  At least he's been staying with his bio mom now for weeks at a time and she agrees with me about my stepson's behavior.  He is being sneaky and lying and playing games on the school computer.  When I block things he opens up another account!  Like Rags said the younger sibling should not see this behavior from his brother and think that it's ok.  I will try to be less involved, but when I do that my husband thinks that I don't care about his son.  Even though he puts too much on me!  It's very difficult

Winterglow's picture

Next time he tries a stunt like that, disconnect your internet connection. School's over, right? No need for him to be on the computer. 

Gh4975's picture

Well 2 more days of school and he's at his mother's....thank God!!  He won't have a computer when he gets back, that's for sure!  I don't care if it's Summer or not!!