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Am I being mean to my own son?

foreverhappy's picture

Hi All,

I am new to  forums and discussing sensitive topics.. so kindly bear with me..

I have a 4 year old son and a stepson who is 11..they are half brothers ..

They play really well together for most part but I feel like my DS gets more into trouble when my SS is around and acts up more.. I end up always yelling at my DS and giving him time outs.. somehow my DS is always at fault even though I feel like my SS gets my DS all wound up, triggers him to do things he is not suppose to and then tells on my DS for doing wrong things (like spitting, hitting etc).. it also always seems to happen when I am in the kitchen or bedroom and not around them...

Not sure how to deal with this..for the past few weeks I feel like I am always trying to correct my DS even when he is not at fault and then I feel bad for yelling at him and I end up crying when no one is around.  I don't want to discipline my SS because I am sure I will be seen as a B then... but I am done yelling at my own son for no reason... I don't want my DS to start hating me just because of that.  Please help...thanks!

nengooseus's picture

DD and SD are 48 weeks apart in age, in the same grade in school, and have known eachother since infancy, so they have always fought like cats and dogs.  That got ridiculously hard after DH and I got married. 

SD has always been a manipulative child--and I'm not saying that as a negative, per se, just an observation.  DD is all out there.  She's easily provoked, and SD was amazing at coming out of everything completely unscathed because of it.  That went on until DH and I stopped reacting to their conflict and started looking very carefully to see not only what happened, but what happened leading up to what happened.

By doing that, DH was able to readily see that it wasn't just DD being naughty (like your son), but in reality SD was often provoking her.  We started holding SD responsbile for *that* behavior instead of punishing DD all the time.  It also helped to show the kids that we were on the same page and that no matter what they did, they wouldn't be able to divide us.

foreverhappy's picture

Thank you so much... looking very carefully to see not only what happened, but what happened leading up to what happened is what I am going to do now... Not just blindly assume my DS is at fault.. My DS is very mischievous as well but I know he can't be the one always creating trouble.  Thanks so much!

foreverhappy's picture

Thanks! Definitely have to discuss this with DH and get on the same page . I also agree with DS learning not to do bad things whether provoked or not.  Thank you!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Have you talked to your husband about this? What does he say?

My sister and I are six years apart in age. When we played together as kids (we also have a brother who is in the middle of our age range), we'd fight and provoke one another all the time. My parents' solution? We all got in trouble unless there was just an unprovoked "attack".

I think the fighting between them is likely normal, especially right now since kids are stuck together with very little reprieve from their siblings. The problem, though, is likely that you and DH aren't on the same page on how to handle this.

If you're being left alone with SS, then you need to have full authority over him, just like a babysitter or teacher would have. If you don't have that, then SS is not to be around without your DH.

Additionally, even if you feel mean, your son has to learn that hitting, biting, etc isn't acceptable even if he is provoked. He still needs to be disciplined and/or corrected. I understand what you're saying, but as your son grows, people will keep provoking him. Him learning at a young age not to react with violence will help him in the long run.

So, talk to your DH, either take authority or give back the responsibility, and raise your son how he needs to be raised, even if it hurts.

Rags's picture

My parents dealt with this by making sure we understood that in these situations both of us received punishment and since I was the elder... my punishment was more notable than my younger brothers.  I am 6yrs and 8yrs the elder respectively.  It was a known and feared fact that if we ever fought, we had to go in the backyard and fight USMC dad when he got home.  That never happened because we knew that the rules were the rules and violating them was a very bad idea.

So, when big bro instigates and tattles, make sure both of them understand that there will be consequences. 

Another absolute fact that was crystal clear to me... as the eldest it was my responsibility to ensure that I cared for and protected my little bros rather than leading them astray and tormenting them into acting out.

Your boys need the same message IMHO.  

So, spread the pain and make sure that big bro understands his position of responsibility.  My surviving brother and I have the same age difference as your boys.  The baby sadly passed when he was 10mos old so it was just the two of us.  We had no choice but to get along.. or there were consequences. Regardless of who instigated. Participation in mahem and foolishness was a bad decision. More so for me than for my younger brother.  As it should be for the elder in a case of notable age differences.

All IMHO of course.

tog redux's picture

I'm a lot younger than my 3 siblings, and man, it sucked - I was never able to win. They would provoke me all the time and then laugh at me when I reacted. I'd pay better attention to what SS is doing to DS.

foreverhappy's picture

Thanks! Having both deal with the consequences is a good good point. Time to implement some changes!

I am sorry about the baby.  

GoingWicked's picture

I have two boys, if there's hitting or spitting or anything of that sort they both go to time out, both get the video game or the toy taken away,  most especially if I don't see what led up to the argument. I notice now when they play they both try to avoid getting into trouble.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

I used to think it was important to ensure that DD was always kind and respectful to her stepsiblings but that only emboldened skids. I stopped disciplining my DD when it was obviously SDs fault. Instead I told SD to never do that to my kid again. I also never discipline DD in front of SD. But I don't hesitate to talk back to SD in front  of DD. SD needs to know where she is in the pecking order.  I also intervened once when SD was spouting her mouth off at DD. I've also made SD apologize to DD.  SD got the hint and has stopped bothering DD. She will never win when it comes my child. 

foreverhappy's picture

Thanks everyone for great advice.  Time to implement some steps and see how it goes.  Will keep everyone posted!