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*1st post* What age do kids stop crawling in bed with their parents?

Alottaladies's picture

I'm usually the one to be up first in the mornings.  I do my daily routine, dogs, prep for the day, get ready.  Every so often the girls will come down and crawl into bed with their mom, while I'm getting ready.  I don't feel comfortable with this.  I don't want to change infront of them, nor do I want to feel like I'm tip toe-ing in my space.  Also, when I'm leaving, the 10 year old will be a foot away from her mothers face while I'm trying to kiss her and say good bye.  Of course their mother doesn't see her death glares, as I do this.

I was asked later what was up with me...I explained.  And now I am 'making her choose between her children and me'. 

 

What did I do wrong?

Winterglow's picture

Sorry, but a couple's bedroom should be a child-free zone. Keep the door firmly closed when you're getting ready. Tell her to stop being so darn dramatic - you are not making her choose. If she can't understand the difference between a husband and a child then she has a big problem. If she wants her bedroom to be her kiddies' bedroom too then I would inform her that you will be sleeping in an adults-only room elsewhere.

Maybe ask her if she thinks it's appropriate for her precious babies to see you with morning wood...

Kes's picture

What Winterglow said - it is overly dramatic her saying you're making her choose - how ridiculous! It is not at all unreasonable for a step father (or step mother) not to want children in their private space when they're in bed or trying to get dressed.  If your wife wants to get in bed with her children she can go and get in their bed with them.  Hold firm to your boundaries in this matter!  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The whole choosing between her children and you is total bull crap. Is she a drama queen in other areas of her life, too?

A man not wanting a preteen girl in his bed while he is changing nearby and kissing her mom in bed is perfectly reasonable. It would be creepy if you weren't uncomfortable with it. I'm female and i'm uncomfortable with unrelated kids in the bedroom.

My boyfriend's son saw me naked several times because he was allowed in and out of the bedroom and master bathroom with no boundaries. If your wife/gf won't set boundaries and protect the kids, you will have to. If your SO thinks that's making you choose between her and the kids then you want different things out of life.

In addition to protecting the kids, your feelings matter too. Your privacy and emotional security matter. Your bedroom is important and you need privacy there. These aren't babies. 

Left out mama's picture

This!

 

Alottaladies's picture

Thank you for your words.  

What age would you say is too old to be crawling in bed with parents?  I know it happens every day after I leave.  I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ask 10 people, get 10 answers. When an unrelated adult is in the bed, birth. When either adult in the couple has an issue with it, even if the family is intact. Being in bed with parents is not a need. 

ESMOD's picture

So, does she grasp the concept that YOU are not their parent and that YOU don't want unrelated children in your bed?  It also opens the door to accusations from the bio dad and children.  

You deserve to have your bed and bedroom to be a private place for you and your partner.  She can go to their beds to cuddle.  If she needs to get a bigger bed for them so it's more comfortable? fine.. or they can snuggle on the couch etc.

I might not have a huge line drawn if they were to jump in after you had gone to work..(nice that mommy doesn't have to get out of bed I guess.. what DOES she do?) but while you and she are in the room.. nope.. that is a no-go zone.

ndc's picture

Her comment about choosing between you and her children is ridiculous.  If both partners aren't comfortable with it, children should not be in the adult bedroom.  If she wants to snuggle with her children in bed, perhaps she should wake up earlier and go do so in the children's room(s).

As to your question, I think it varies depending on what the parent encourages.  My skids (5 and 7) do not crawl into our bed in the morning and haven't in a few years (they never did it regularly to start with, although before I was in the picture DH allowed them to sleep with him).  If invited or given permission, they will sometimes sit on our bed and watch TV with us in the evening.  The last thing I would want in my face first thing in the morning is a skid climbing into my bed.

Sparkl3s's picture

My husband is ready to give our 2 year old the boot from our bedroom. The skids have never been invited to get in our bed, that's just creepy to me to have unrelated kids in your bedroom. I don't even go bra less outside of our room when the skids are at the house. Your wife's expectations of you are unrealistic as a step parent.

Rags's picture

At what ever age the parent(s) say no.

You did not do anything wrong.  Your DW on the otherhand, made the mistake of prioritizing children over her marriage.  Kids are never the priority in a marriage.  The partners and the marriage are the priority.  Children are the top relationship responsibility.  Two very different things.

strugglingSM's picture

I'm firmly in the "no kids in parents/adults bed" camp. This is especially true when one of the adults  is not a parent of the child in question. I was very firm with DH that if he wanted me to sleep in his bed, his kids would not be sleeping in it, even if I wasn't there. I'm not competing for space with a child. As soon as we had our own place our bedroom became firmly off limits.

Also, as a child, I never climbed into my parents' bed. I maybe went in their bedroom once or twice as a young child when I had a nightmare, but I was definitely not welcome to hop into their bed. It feels weird to me that people do that.

I think especially when parents are single after the divorce, many allow their kids to sleep in their bed, which helps them feel less alone, but gives the kid the idea that the bed is theirs. I find that weird and agree with the comments above that someone who sees it as an either the kids or the SO has not really made space in their life for an adult relationship.

Doublehelix's picture

I'm sure I hopped into my parents bed all the time, but they had a loveless, only for the kids relationship. So if OP's wife wants that kind of marriage, by all means......lol

i think either is fine with the key of BOTH parents being on board. Personally I don't want SD8 in our bed and thankfully that is rarely the case. My partner gets up early (probably from the anxiety of having to take care of SD or the dad radar of hearing her stir bc he doesn't get up as early on off weeks) but he climbed back in to bed to talk to me about something and snuggle with the dog. SD then also proceeds to come in, first just on top of the covers, then scooting under the covers. Surprisingly her dad told her that this was not to be the norm and that our bedroom was for us and not a children's playground.

Weazletoe's picture

My little girl was 5 when her mom and I got together and was used to sleeping with her every night. We transitioned from in our bed, to the floor, to one of us lying down with her in her bed for a bit. By the time she was about 10 we reached the stage where she went to bed on her own most nights. Now she is almost 13 and she is never out of her bedroom. I can't tell you how anxious I was to "kick her out" of our room. Now that she's gone, I miss it. Cherish every moment, because you never know when "the last time" will be.

stormabruin's picture

You're not asking her to choose, you're asking her to set and respect boundaries. Your bedroom is YOUR space. The girls have their own space. Explain that your bedroom is where you change your clothes, and you're not comfortable changing with her girls in there. 

How would she feel if you had a 10-year old son making himself comfortable in her bed while she was trying to dress and get herself ready for the day? 

It isn't a matter of when the kids stop crawling into bed with their parents. Kids don't typically just decide to stop doing what they've been taught to do. They'll stop when the parent teaches them to be respectful of others in the household and their space. Would her girls want you in their private space? 

Your wife is being inconsiderate and overly dramatic.

Rags's picture

Cosleeping is so detrimental to the adult relationship that IMHO it should not happen.  We are centuries past the point where cosleeping was a matter of survival through the winters and a matter of large families living together in a one room cabin.

Kids stay in their own bed/crib/cradle/bassinet and the adults have their bed.

A kid crawling in bed with the adults during a storm or a nightmare on rare occasion is one thing. Giving the kid control of the sleeping arrangements is insanity and clear indication of an absence of adult testicular fortitude.

As kids we would occassionally lay in bed with mom and dad in the AM to talk and laugh.  Great memories, but we did not sleep with mom and dad.  They slept in a double for decades.  Applying some thought into that selection of bed size, they very well may have been discouraging kids sleeping with them.   They graduated to a Queen at some point and have never gone bigger than that.