11 y.o. SD and Texting
OK I am new here because I have a problem that I need ro vent on:
Background: DH's ex left him almost 8 years ago. He moved on about 18 months later when he met me. When we married 5 1/2 years ago Stepchildren (both girls) were 2 and 5 years old when we married. WE have since had a baby and purchased a house. We have the girls every other weekend.
BM is unstable but gets along pretty well in life with holding down a job. She lives with her parents because she was unemployed for a long time but they are cool grandparents.
BM has made up lies about me in the past and spread them around her family. They got back to us when we were attending joint activities and her family members said that they were going to say something to DH and myself about it. She had no choice but to tell DH the lies.
So jump forward 2 1/2 years and BM is on fire again this time she is turning 11 year old SD against me. This all came out when we were away with SKids over thanksgiving and while staying in a hotel room I could hear and see the 11 yo SD texting. I questioned it right away and she said she was checking the time on her phone. Then it happened again and I questioned it again and she said that she was putting the phone away. I asked about the texting in the morning and she lied again about doing it. I check the cell phone and she texted her mother. I told her that when she lied to me three times about texting that I checked..... she was over the top up in arms over my checking her texts. I told her that I was disappointed that her lying three times to me left me no choice but to check because I was concerned.
BM is using this to her advantage and said that the girls report that when DH leaves the room to use the bathroom that I am mean to them. She reports that they don't want to come visit anymore. When she says they she really means that the 11 yo is saying it because the 7 year old is just fine.
So I have said no cell phone in our home. Period. It is not needed. We have a land line and husband has two cell phones that can be used.
BM is going nuts over it. She said that the phone is coming. I told DH that it can come but it isn't coming into the house in the on-mode.
The 11 yo SD has done a hunger strike the last two visits. I say GREAT it save us money in food. I even got her favorite dessert and she still didn't eat. Oh well.
The SD has said that my reading her text is unforgiveable but she fails to remember that her lying is what started it.
BM is fueling the fire. DH is going to tell BM that she needs to help SD get over it because it will make her sick with all the anger.
Thanks for listening to my rant. My sister and DH are on my side but my mother in law thinks I need to be the adult but I say that I can be the adult and still control what happening in my house!
Am I being unreasonable to limit the texting to her mother on an almost minute by minute basis?
My SS12 and DS11 both have
My SS12 and DS11 both have cells, and I've made it plain that they have no privacy in my house, so don't text anything you don't want read by an adult.
SD11 has a cell phone as well
SD11 has a cell phone as well (Narcissistic Ex said that she was 'mature enough' to use it wisely - now the Ex is getting upset because SD11 wont' answer texts or isn't there 'on call' immediately when he calls her, so he's rethinking the maturity level). My SO had stated years ago that SD11 shouldn't have a cell phone until she was at least 16, but the NE thinks he knows everything about child-rearing...ummm, sure he does; that's why she's a mini-narciss in the larval stage and texting so much that he has noticed his phone bill shooting up like a rocket.
Anyway, my SO has had it with the constant texting of friends and 'daddy' when she's with us. The cell phone goes off when she comes to haunt our house. I have no doubt she turns it back on when we're not around. Why the hell does a kid have a cell phone? Just part of the Entitled Generations NEEDS, I suppose.
SS has a cell phone that is
SS has a cell phone that is actually on my plan... the thing is surgically attached to his hip.... seriously... he's worse than a girl... he sleeps with it at night and in the mornings when DH wakes him up for school or what have you, it's the FIRST thing he is concerned about...he NEVER leaves it unattended. It makes me very suspicious that he is up to no good with it if he is being that ridiculous about it, but DH does not seem concerned, so I just keep my mouth shut.
I actually LOVE that SS has a cell phone because that means that he can text, and or talk to BM and she does NOT have to call DH every time she wants SS to know some stupid little thing. A couple of weekends ago, BM called DH's phone and asked for SS, DH was like "Um, he has his own phone, why are you calling me?" ha ha Seriously we both love it! I could care less how much SS texts or talks to BM when he is with us.
My bios and my stepkids text
My bios and my stepkids text constantly. I don't check their texts. I would if I thought they were involved in anything illegal or immoral. But I don't really feel like I need to read the private conversations between my stepkids and their mother nor my bios and their father.
I agree with you. I might be
I agree with you. I might be missing something, but I'm not sure why OP needed to know what the child was doing on the phone.
I understand the idea of
I understand the idea of privacy, etc, but if the phone is being used by either BMs, BFs, and/or the skids to create conflict and unfounded allegations of abuse, etc, then off they go once they reach the house or the rule can be that the bioparent in the house can check the texts as needed. :?
If the cells are being used
If the cells are being used to create unfounded allegations of abuse...then I'm not sure taking them away is even the best idea. It might make more sense to find a way to copy them. Sometimes it's good to give someone enough rope to hang themselves.
I don't think there is anything you can do to stop a parent from creating conflict if that's the goal. Turning off the cell could backfire and make you look like the bad parents. "See! Your dad and stepmom are trying to prevent me from contacting you! I told you! See how they are!" That's the kind of thing my stepkids' mother used to do. Once my stepkids were about 12 or 13, I realized that taking away the cell phone only painted us as the bad guys.
Just as an aside, my stepkids were PASd to the MAX! They both made the decision to move in with us several years ago. Their mother fought it. The judge told her that my stepkids were old enough that he could not legally prevent them from moving in with us unless she could prove us unfit. Obviously, she couldn't.
Kids are pretty smart.
I think it's fair for any
I think it's fair for any child in your home not to expect privacy is a given. Privacy is earned when a certain level of trust and respect is reached.
I don't care who bought what an skid brings into my home, if it's causing conflict or an skid is abusing a privilage that thing - cell phone, DS, whatever can be confiscated. When they go back to BM's they can take it back and may be asked that it doesn't return and warned that if it does it will be taken again.
My SD11 has a cell phone that the NCP BM provided her with. She texts her mom quite frequently. I trust her though. SD isn't a shitstirrer. If anything, she steers clear of it. But I wouldn't hesitate for a minute taking her phone from her if it did start conflict. We were tucking her in one night and it went off with one of her little friends texting her. The phone was handed over to DH and I every night at bedtime for a week with no problem.
Wow, this whole blog has
Wow, this whole blog has stirred up soooo many memories for me of when my fskids (now FSD16 & FSS13) first got cell phones - not good memories, either. They were each about 11 yo when they got their cell phones - way too young, IMHO, but I digress...
The BAD part about fskids having cell phones that ALWAYS drove me BONKERS in the beginning - was that their mother/my FDH's ex-wife would call them MULTIPLE times a day EVERY day they were with us (we share true joint 50/50 custody of skids with BM - they LIVE WITH US 3 days/week, then 4 days the following week).
My thoughts used to ALWAYS be "WHY THE F__ DOES BM NEED TO SPEAK TO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE TIMES when they are SUPPOSED to be spending their time/attention/love with THEIR FATHER?". We almost NEVER called skids on their cell phones when they were with BM - we respected their time with her and knew they'd be back with us in another few days - so unless there was an immediate issue or an emergency, we never called skids when they're with BM (still never do).
Can someone PLEASE answer this question for me?? Why do these selfish, narcissistic, PASinator BM's insist on being control freaks 24/7 with their kids?? LEAVE THEM ALONE already!! They are fine with their FATHER and don't NEED to hear your voice all the time!!!
The ONLY GOOD part about fskids having cell phones is exactly what DaizyDuke was saying above - it COMPLETELY ELIMINATED all the unnecessary/bullshyte phone calls from BM to FDH's cell phone!! She used to CONSTANTLY call FDH's (then my BF) cell phone - either to talk with skids or just pretending to "need to talk" with my BF "about the kids" (TM) - but I know that she was just making EXCUSES to call my FDH. Some of these ridiculous, psycho BM biatches just CAN'T FACE REALITY and MOVE ON already!! So in THAT sense, there is virtually almost NO MORE DIRECT COMMUNICATION between BM & FDH and I LOVE IT!!! Took 6.5 years to get to this point, but.....
Too bad these BM's all seem to have the same disease "theneedtotrytocontrolwhathappensinmyex'shome -itis" - and admittedly, the skids having their own cell phones has been a great cure for it.
I'm sure that BM STILL calls/texts skids multiple times per day during what is SUPPOSED to be their FATHER'S visitation time with them. That's because you can't fix stupid. I just think she's a lonely, pathetic woman who is teaching her kids to be as co-dependent on HER that she is on them (she literally acts like her life "revolves around my kids" - you all know what I'm saying, she's one of THOSE women :sick: ). Doesn't make her MOTY in MY eyes, just makes her look more and more pathetic as the years go by.
I've NEVER let on to BM that the phone calls to skids thing EVER bothered me. I always have a BIG SMILE like I have not a CARE in the world and that I'm SO HAPPY all the time. Probably drives the biatch NUTS that she can't "get to me" like I know she wants to!!
Sorry but had to say
Sorry but had to say this.
There is zero way a stranger would be in MY home using whatever "vice" to rat on me. Ordered or not.
These are YOUR homes- not theirs!!! If you want to play that game, take it outside and off of my property. Do not bring it back in my home or it will be locked up until you leave.
I'd go one step futher...
I'd go one step futher... Sneak the cell phone away from the brat and drop it in a cup of water, carefully dry it off, and put it back where you found it. Evil, I know, but after a while I get sick of debating everything. That effectively eliminates them using the stupid phone at all. Forever.
And if the BM sends it in for repair, it won't be covered under the insurance since the techs can tell somehow if the phone was damaged by some kind of liquid.
We're raising an entire generation of people who can't spell and who will have carpel tunnel by the time they are 20!!!