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11-y/o Daughter tells lies about me and manipulates tries to manipulate my husband

Now what's picture

My DH and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls (both boys and 1 girl are biologically mine). The girls are both 11, boys are 13 and 14. I've been in my daughters life now (SD) since she was 5. From the start of my DH and I dating, I have done everything I can for this little girl. If I do something or buy anything for my bio daughter, I do the same thing for my SD. About 5 months into dating my DH, he ordered a new cell phone. He opened the package and walked out of the room to set something up on it, and when he came back, the charge was taken out of the box. He asked his daughter ("Sasha") where the charger was and she replied "Ask Mandi" (We'll call myself Mandi). I was completely shocked and told him I hadn't even touched the box.  An hour later, he found it hidden in the bottom of her backpack after she accused me of taking it. Over the years, she has done little things like. Yesterday, I really was hurt and mad....She had left her clarinet at our house and wanted her dad to drive it to her moms house, which is 45 minutes away at 9PM. He has to get up at 4 AM for work the next day, so he told her no and that her mom would have to drive to come get it. Her mom refused because she never drives to our place. So, DH said he would bring it to work with him and her step-dad could meet him and grab it (Her step-dad didn't have to work that day). Anyway, the next day we had a huge ice storm and roads were horrible. Step dad said he told my DH that he wasn't going to risk getting on the highways and that she would have to go without it. (This was a Tuesday). Wednesday came and both my husband and I drove to pick her up from school (she goes to school 45 minutes away near her mom's house. my hsuband or I drive her to school on the days during the week that we have her and pick her up as well). She gets in the car and I say "Hey! I made sure your dad didn't forget your new headphones!" (I ordered her new headphones that came via mail). She didn't say thanks or anything that would suggest that she heard me. My husband said "I'm sorry I couldn't get yoru clarinet to you yesterday" and she said "It's fine, "Mike" (Step-dad) said "Mandi" wouldn't give it to him or meet him". My husband and I looked at each other and I said "What??" My husband said why would Mike say that? He said he didn't want to risk getting on the highway because the roads were covered in ice". DH even showed Sasha the text. I said "why would he even say that Sasha" and my husband basically echoed that. She then said "say what"? So my husband repeated back what she said. Sasha then said "I never said that". We both told her you literall just said that Mike told you Mandi wouldn't give it to him". She replies "No I didn't. I never said that".  this went on for a while, so I was just pissed at this point. I said I am sick of you lying and outright bringing me into things that I was never involved in. We get home, my husband goes to talk to her in her room and I take a walk. When I got back, I said "she hates me or something". DH says "she thinks you don't like her". At that point, I got upset all over again. I said "she tells you that every time she gets caught lying about me and manipulates you! She has no problem asking me to do stuff for her, or talking to me and hanging out, helping, etc., but as soon as she gets in trouble, it's because I don't like her.  At this point, we are at a loss and don't even know what to do anymore. She continues to lie, manipulate, and then deny. HELP, please! I love her to pieces, I've tried having one-on-one conversations, she's extremely disrespectful to me, etc. I honestly am at a loss.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

you need nannycas everywhere, even the car. Record every word that girl says. Find a good psychiatrist for the lyinglittle psycho. DH should have lit her butt up for lying and stealing starting from that very firstincident. 

Now what's picture


I hate to admit this, but I have a camera in the living room that oversees the livingroom, Kitchen, and front door foyer! I've recorded her behavior and played it for my husband. I had asked her to please vacuum those mentioned areas while I was at work (DH was home). He told her to vacuum as well. He went outside to do yardwork when I logged into my camera and I recorded her fake crying and laying in the floor! She would be silent and listen to see if he was coming inside and when she thought he was, she would start fake crying! I was dumbfounded bc at first I thought she was hurt! His handling of her has been a hot topic in our household for a while, but no matter what he does, nothing seems to help. It's getting to the point where it absolutely hurts my heart, because I'd do anything for all of our kids (to a reasonable extent). I've started disengaging with her, but it makes me feel terrible! I'm definitel leaning toward counseling...just a little afraid of what she'd say to a therapist at this point! But she is definitely acting like a "lying little psycho"! 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

thekid needs some serious inpatient therapy. I would honestly suggest that DH visit her outside your home and without you until this crap behavior is handled. Next she will say you stole her spoons or slapped her.

Jcksjj's picture

Your DH needs to get his head on straight if this is going to change. The more it works the more she will do it. It doesnt make much difference what you try to do, her parents are the ones she wants approval from and that she has a bond with that is deep enough to possibly change her behavior. 

Ispofacto's picture

It's too late, her personality is set, step back, limit your exposure, protect yourself, disengage.  

She's not yours.  This is only going to get worse.  She's gaslighting you.


Chmmy's picture

First of all stop calling her your daughter. She is a skid and demonstrating typical skid behavior.

SD16 lies about me too but not crazy she stole a charger but just how mean I am and I dont want her here. Total bull crap. I dont kiss her ass like the rest of the family because they are scared of her wrath. Im not afraid of her wrath bcuz she is embarrassed to act that way in front of me as she should be

Rags's picture

Time to give her something to really cry about.

Apply escalating age appropriate consequences until you find the level of abject misery that drives behavioral compliance.

Dont feel bad.  Hold her accountable for her behavioral choices.

lilcupid's picture

Shes trying to manipulate to get Dads attention. DH needs to call her out on it. Make it be known when she lies or manipulates there will be consequences. And get her into counseling. 

How often do you have her?? Does DH discuss behavioral issues when they arise with BM?