11 year old daughter is constantly causing problems
So I feel like I could write a novel on everything that my family and I have had to endure, but the end result is that I have a 13yr old stepson and 11 year old stepdaughter, 5 yr old daughter and 4 year old son and we won 100% custody last year from drug addict and bipolar real dad. My stepson is a great strong kid despite everything he has dealt with. Stepdaughter is rude, spiteful, immature, dirty and has giant attitude issue at all times. Furthermore if I try to correct her for talking blatently disrespectful (rolling eyes, saying whatever/sure with no real intention of actually being better, etc.), her mother defends her and says I am the one causing it by following her around and correcting her. She has the unfortunate mix of being incredibly immature and moody/defiant at all times. I do not "follow her around" but I do correct her when she does something wrong (like doesnt ever flush toilet after taking a dump and stinks up whole upstairs, leaves clothes in middle of hallway, hits younger siblings and screams at them, etc). She does have ADD and is on medication, but it is not enough. She is also not very smart and does not do well at school but at least has a good attitude at school. She is very good and behaved with others and at school, but is a monster at home. Am I being unfair and should just leave her alone more and chalk all the poor choices and attitude to adolescence, or do I have a teenage drug addict delinquent in the making? She has been to therapy with no real results, but I feel like all three of us need to go together. The worst part is her younger sister sees all this behaviour and is beginning to emulate her. My wife says it is just the sisters attitude as well, but I believe it is learned behaviour from stepdaughter. Daughter doesn't act like that with me, but does with my wife. My wife is a great mother taking care of the children and also works hard, but I just dont feel like she has a grip on child/parent boundaries and carrying through with proper punishment. Im sure you can guess this is also a major issue in my marriage as well and is driving a wedge between us too. Any discussion I have tried to have with my wife about this I am told that I am the problem and I need to change. I honestly truly believe that I am reasonable and that SD is way out of line and the problem and my wife being on her side just empowers her more. My wife and I have been having many issues lately, but my SD and my wife and i being on opposite ends is at the core of almost all of it. Thanks to any and all who read all this and provide any guidance. Regardless of anything here, I think we all need to go to counseling to seek professional objective opinions.