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When to cut out toxic BM

SMcP's picture

My SS is almost 7 and since Christmas, his BM has seen him once and called him maybe 6 or 7 times. I am the stepmother and have full care because my SO works out of town. Before Christmas, his mom would take him at least one weekend a month for most weekends. During these visits, she would sleep and let him play on the iPad the entire time. She was also constantly fighting with roommates, partying and having him at strangers houses. He was 2 when I stepped into the picture and one month into my relationship with my SO, she was already asking me to take him overnights by myself because of fights and police showing up at her house. After one week, she was fighting with my SO about not ever getting time off from my SS. Keep in mind, he works out of town for 21 days and would take SS the day after he got home from shift. That wasn't enough. She has always made SS feel as though he was too much and she always did the bare minimum. She has openly admitted that she will use him against us if she doesn't get financial help. The last two years he has been with us full time, even though the parenting order is 50/50. We went back to court a couple months ago to change the order to reflect the current situation and she didn't show up but judges will always give the mother the benefit of the doubt. This last year, she has been doing meth and choosing extremely toxic and dangerous men and has almost completely abandoned her child. SS wants space but we are scared he is too young to make that decision himself. When is it necessary to cut off the relationship until she gets help?

Rags's picture

Stop caring about her threats and go for blood.  Petition the court for drug tests for BM, have a PI go hip deep up the asses of her and every one of her F-buddies to build the druggie profiles, etc, etc, etc....

When the court orders supervised visits... she will in all liklihood just fade away.  Which would be the best thing for your Skid, your marriage, and your family.

IMHO of course.

tog redux's picture

There is no way I'd take care of someone else's child for them. Are you and your SO married? What do you get out of this arrangement? And he's giving BM financial support while you take care of the kid all the time?

Oh hell no, this has to change. First, your SO has to find a job in town.  Then he has to take his ex back to court repeatedly until he gets full custody and she owes HIM child support.  It is possible in a situation where the BM doesn't even take the child, but he has to keep at it.

BM and SO have it great here, you do all the heavy lifting.

SMcP's picture

I agree. However, since she has disappeared it has been alot more on me. I am currently pregnant with my first and will always be in my SS life.

simifan's picture

There is a saying here. You can care more then the parents. It is so true. You are doing all the heavy lifting. Every single one of these people involved will resent you for it. Please stop. Take care of yourself first. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I understand where your heart is, but legally, you have no grounds to protect SS from his mother. If she shows up tomorrow, you can't prevent her from taking SS. She could disappear again before your SO even got the phone call from you that she took him.

Your SO needs to worry about getting this settled TODAY. Emergency custody order until a trial date can be set. SO needs to get a local job that allows him to actually parent his son. If you are really going to be providing care (and I can think of a list of reasons why that is dangerous for you), then he needs to figure out how to give you guardianship powers over SS. 

Until this happens, this arrangement is a liability for you AND SS. You have no leg to stand on to protect SS in the moment, and with someone that unpredictable/unstable, that's a very, VERY bad place to be in. It means you CANNOT protect SS legally, and physically you have no business trying to protect him, either, since you are pregnant. That baby needs you safe.

This is a bad situation for you and SS, and your SO needs to see it as such and act. He cannot be leaving his pregnant partner and young son at home while he's away when his ex could just randomly show up and totally upset his apple cart. Yes, it's going to be a lot of work for him, but that's the consequence HE has to deal with for having a child with someone who is an unfit parent. This SHOULD be hard for him. This SHOULD NOT be hard for you, and it's shameful that he has left you unprotected.

So, HE needs to take some time from work to 1) find a bullshark attorney, 2) find a new job where he can be home to help with BOTH his children (this arrangement isn't sustainable after you have a newborn), and 3) get an emergency order to prevent BM from just showing up and disappearing.

Yes, this is THAT big of a deal. Yes, this is a big enough deal that if he doesn't get this sorted you REALLY need to reconsider this relationship. No, that's not hyperbole. That's the unfortunate truth of this situation. Love does not conquer all.

SMcP's picture

I need to reiterate the situation. The second time in court did not leave her with rights. She has no say in his schooling or residence anymore. I should have made that clear in my first post. My question was about when we should be limiting PHONE CALLS with BM to prevent him from being lied to and promised things that she cannot live up to currently. She has no intention of taking him and as it stands currently, she is not allowed unless she is with her family, gives US notice and does it on a weekend (which is fine because her family is great). I am asking when we should be giving SS space that he has asked for. It's also not only my decision. This is a decision that has been made by us and her family. 

I urge you to remember that when you are forums online, especially with things that are sensitive situation, it is important to find the line between being rude and giving constructive criticism.

Rags's picture

As past behvior is the best predictor of future performance, if your SO has cheated, he will cheat again.  Be wary.  

I understand how some of the comments and advice you receive here may be upsetting to  you.  However, do not mistake the perspective that others who are living the blended family adventure as being insensitive. If all you want others to give is what you want to hear, don't waste your time or anyone elses.

Congratulatiosn on the baby.  Do whatever you must to protect your own child from the shallow and polluted gene pool that invades your life and family. Never forget, no matter how toxic BM may be, your SO is at least half responsible for all of the toxicity and drama that pollutes your life, your relationship, and your Skid.

In the not too distant future you will not only have to protect your own life, but the life of your child from the stench that your SO's failed family continually sends wafting through your relationship.  Do not forget that.  

BM is only part of the problem. Your primarily absent SO who has outsourced the care and raising of his failed family progeny to you while he is absent apparently 75% of the time is the true problem as you have decided he is THE one.  

Having worked remotely myself for a number of years of my career while my amazing bride and I were building our life together and raising my SS I understand the challenges involved.  The key is for both partners to clearly understand that they and the marriage are priority over all else including children. Regardless of kid biology.  I have some qualms about your SO abandoning  you and his child while he is regularly away.  

Be very, very careful.

And quit prioritizing feelings. Use your brain. People who choose their life's direction and make their decisions via feelings are destined for painful lessons.  And so are their children.

Take care of you and be ready to protect your own child from this toxic genetic cesspool your SO has brought into your life.

IMHO of course.

SMcP's picture

Thank you. Its far better to hear honest opinion without rude phrases thrown in. My SO has never cheated so although I know that will never be the issue, there are alot of other issues at hand.

He is not my son and I feel stuck. Thats no place to be for anyone. We are currently looking for ways that suit all of our needs including getting my SS some help to deal with the abandonment he feels. This is my last attempt at fixing my family before I take my own child and get the distance we deserve. I just feel like if I leave, my SS will be left with nobody that cares enough to raise him properly. In saying that, my way might not be perfect either. He isn't my responsibility and I have been dealing with the feelings that go with stepping back a bit. I've been looking at it like I'm a permanent babysitter and that hurts but I've realized that it shouldn't. I'm not his mother and I never will be so I'm done trying to be. If his BM wants to talk to him, I will let her. If she promises him things, oh well. Its not my place anymore. My SO will never quit his job. I'm quite content with being the stay at home parent, but I'll do that for my kid. SS is just a bonus but I'm done trying to fill shoes that his BM left. Although I know I'm a better person and parent, he doesn't. He wants his mom. 

Thank you for your words.