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Torn <|3 genuine advice please

OnTheFence92's picture

I am at a hard place and a rock right now. If you want the back story of my issue click on this link to my last post so you’ll have a better understanding: (


I told my my girlfriend that I don’t know if I can toterale the “baby mama” drama, and that it was a deal breaker for me. Not only is her ex dragging me into the drama every chance she gets, my girlfriends ex is using her son as leverage to get what she wants. Mind you, the child is not my girlfriends kid biologically, the child was made out of infidelity, lies and  deceit and my girlfriend decided to stay and take on that responsibility, and she does not have LEGAL RIGHTS WHAT SO EVER for the boy. My girlfriend loves the boy so much, she has, and will do anything and go out of her way for the boy, so, that in mind, her ex uses that to her advantage to get what she wants out of my girlfriend. If my girlfriend doesn’t jump when her ex says jump, her ex threatens to take the boy away from my girlfriend every time. It’s been going on way before me and her got together. My girlfriend stayed in a miserable toxic relationship, with the fear that if she doesn’t stay, he will be taken away from her. Every time her ex calls, it’s always DRAMA and 95% I’m mentioned. 

For the last time, her ex threatened to take the boy, she told my girlfriend that he don’t need her and that he’s good with or without her, mind you, my girlfriend does more for him than his biological mom. So, me and my girlfriend came up with the conclusion that she should just stop fighting and let her take him. Eventually her ex was going to need her. And if she doesn’t allow you some kind of custody or legal rights that are solid, then say fuck the situation altogether. She blocked her ex for a week and some how the boy called from a blocked number and my girlfriend spoke to him. Shortly after her comes the ex with her B.S. My girlfriend told her ex that she needed some legal rights pertaining to the boy, her ex laughed in her face and said “no way”. My girlfriend questioned why and her ex said because we’re going to continue to do things my way, and if you want to see him on the weekends, you can if not then I don’t know what to tell you. That broke her heart. Mind you, my girlfriend use to have him 4 1/2 days a week. So after she got off the phone with her she asked for my opinion and I told her if she wants to live a life full of misery, you can do so alone. So she got upset and said “well if I don’t see him on the weekends I’m a dead beat”... It’s like everything we talked about went out of the window, just last week, we agreed that you were going to be one in charge, not let her give you any ultimatums, cut everything off, even him, until she granted you rights, but now you’re bowing down and feeding into her mind games by even considering seeing him on the weekends, even though she laughed in your face and told you that you were never getting custody or adoption. Her ex plays little mind games and say that the boys real dad has been looking for him, scarring my girlfriend of her biggest fear.

I finally told my girlfriend that something has to give because 1) I refuse to continue to sit around and bite my tongue and be bluntly disrespected and 2) I refuse to sit around and watch you get toyed with, used and mistreated by her because I care about her far too much. 

So my only two options are to, leave and miss out of love for my sanity/peace of mind OR stay around, bite the bullet, deal with the drama and possibly regret it later on in life. 

When my girlfriend first found out that her baggage could possibly run me off, she feels as if though she has to choose between him and I. She came to a contradicting conclusion last night. She said, that she will block her ex and only call him when she wants to talk to him. She also said that, she will continue to buy him things, but will drop it off to his grand or his aunt. She says that she’s not looking at it in a way that’s helping her ex. Which I feel otherwise. Lastly, she said that she was going to continue to put away money for him, so that when he gets older he’ll have it. BUT before she came up with that conclusion, she said that she was going to write him off as a lost. Basically saying she doesn’t expect him to be in her life as her son. Or maybe even never at all.


 She’s doing everything in her power to keep us both in her life. I understand. But I feel like that’s still leaving open doors for her ex to cause drama. Whose to say that her ex won’t give her problems when she calls all because my girlfriend has her blocked? Her ex is drama filled, extra and always have something negative to say and she makes it hard for my girlfriend to be in the boys life. So in reality, that’s not fixing the problem at hand. I understand her emotional attachment to this boy, but at what stale are you going to continue to be dragged around like a puppet? A slave? You have to walk around on egg shells scared that she may take him one day and there’s nothing you can ever do about it. What should I do or consider? 

lilcupid's picture

This whole situation was drama from day dot. And I feel like this will always be an ongoing situation. 

Sorry, but your girlfriend has allowed herself to be treated like a doormat. And you're becoming a door mat too.

I get she loves this little boy as her own. But her ex cheated. The moment she allowed herself to be treated like that she opened up the floodgates. And until she stops allowing this situation to continue eg cutting off all ties, it won't end.

I've learnt one thing in life. When people continue to treat us badly, it's because you give them permission. You both need to stop. 

Rags's picture

She needs a lawyer and to drag the X to court to get court ordered visitation.  Until there is a CO your SO has zero say and your relationionship is doomed to the current status quo.  With the current inertia around same sex families your SO may have a reasonable chance of success if she bares her X's toxic ass in court.

Good luck.

ursula69's picture

Stand by her side, if you love her. Let it play out, hold her hand every day and night. But you know it, right? Love is the answer... 

What exactly are they saying about you? Do you feel her being with you is dragging her down? Stop. 

OnTheFence92's picture

It has nothing to do with me. I’m not dragging her down. If anything I’m good to her and her son. I’m always encouraging her to handle to situation in different manners. Her ex is just delusional and jealous that I am in the picture. Everyone around us, including her family knows that she’s saying shit out of jealousy. My girlfriend mom and family adores me and knows that I am good for her. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Honestly I think she is doing everything right. Just becasue she wants to give the child gifts and stash some money for him aside doesn't mean that she is being held hostage. It also doesn't mean that that money might not be "re-purposed" for something or someone else one day. 

She really is holding strong right now in a situation that HAS to be tearing her apart inside. 

I still think that since BM is so dependant on your GF for $$ she will give in within a month or 2. There will be some sort of paperwork drawn up. Did your GF ever see an attorney? I can't remember if she did or not.

Just remember, since your GF isn't biologically related to SS, the only power BM has on your home is what you and your GF allow.