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Stop. The. Madness.

evilstepmom217's picture

Okay so she's not TECHNICALLY mentally unfit... But yes she is though. Brief history... DH divorced BM after she cheated on him with most of his friends and family. She was perfectly agreeable to everything with him until he got serious with me. She told him that she would overlook the clause in their divorce agreement that stated no overnight guests of the opposite sex when kids are present as long as he never took me to ball games. My SD plays travel ball which consumes all of our free time and then some. So back then that would have meant that I could basically sleep with him but wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere with him. I told him that I refused to lay in bed with him and not fully be a part of he and his children's lives and set that example for any of our children. He agreed and we moved forward. The first game he took me to she flipped her sh&t bawling and crying about how she couldn't stand to see us looking like a family. The next day she skipped work to go to his house and beg him not to bring me to another game. The following weekend I was on my way to his house when he was picking the kids up from hers and she launched a beer at him (in front of the kids) screaming at him that it was no one else's place but theirs to be at the ballpark. We ended up breaking up momentarily over this whole thing, but ultimately ended up married and fighting our way through a custody battle where she tried to reduce him to an every other weekend dad (originally and currently the kids are with us over 50% of the time and he shares legal custody).

At one point in an attempt to bring peace to my step kids and our family I wrote BM a long letter about how much her kids love her and how they talk about her all the time and that even if I dared to try and take her place that I never could. I sent her a necklace with their birthstones and names on it, and wished her a happy mother's day. This seemed to ease things for like a couple weeks anyway... Fast forward to SD's first tournament this past weekend... It was BM's weekend but she asked SD to ask her dad if he would take her to all of her tournaments Saturday and Sunday. She stayed home with SS and refused to go support her own daughter. I'm so livid because I KNOW SD hurts over this. Is it like 1,000 times easier on my and DH not having to deal with her b*tchy self all weekend?? Heck yeah! But it's not about us... I see the hurt in my SD's eyes and it breaks my heart. I know there is probably little that can be done to get this woman to stop acting like a lunatic but I can't help but continue to rack my brain trying to think of a way to fix this for these kids... Maybe I'm the crazy one??

strugglingSM's picture

She sounds crazy. Since she's lashed out in front of the kids, presumably, they know the score. I wouldn't try to fix it for them, because you can't, only she can.

I would focus on just being there and supporting them and not even involving yourself in her drama. I'm sure it bothers your SD, but the best way to help her is to continue to be supportive to her. You won't convince her mother that she's being crazy and you personally can't convince her that coming to the games is a good thing. In some ways, your SD might feel relieved that her mother isn't at the games because then there won't be any drama.

If you think your SD would benefit from trying to talk to a counselor and BM would agree to that, then maybe look into one, but I don't think you should try to manage or fix this yourself.

bearcub25's picture

I understand that you want to be a part of his whole life but why do you have to go to all of your SDs games? You skipping some of them would help 'fix' this for the kids. You know it hurts the BM and you see it hurt SD for her Mom to not be there.

In all honesty, with you refusing to not go to games and then BM refusing to go to games bc you are there, the SD may start to resent you. SD wants her Mother there supporting her, not her step mom. This can cause tension with her and BM until SD feels she needs to choose which parent she wants there supporting her. SD could get to the point she doesn't want her Dad at her games bc then you will be there and the stress isn't worth it.

Maybe there are other areas that BM is being controlling and mean to you all, but you only state this one thing. The best way to support your SD is to back off on going to some of the games.

evilstepmom217's picture

My husband and I both offered this solution. BM will not go if either of us are there. When he offered for both of us to back off she told him she wanted both of us there. Then I asked her if it would help if I would just hang back a little bit. She didn't like that either. As for me refusing to not go to games... That was part of the back story on years ago when this all began and I found it highly inappropriate to let any of our children witness us staying the night with each other but not going anywhere in public together. And I stand by that 100%. Now that we are married and we have established our family the situation is different. I will never allow my son to think it's acceptable to sleep with a woman but refuse to include her in the rest of his life, and I would be crushed if any man did this to my daughter (or SD for that matter).

Also, I only stated this one issue to avoid writing a chapter book in one post. There's always much more to every story.

Maxwell09's picture

Sounds like she has a favorite. I hate that. Its a pet peeve of mine and SS is BM's favorite. I actually pity her other child but now that he has a stepmom who adores him, I don't worry so much about him. SS is BM's golden boy. In her eyes he is perfect and everything she did right. Spawn, her other kid, was on purpose but he's bad. He doesn't behave like SS (SS ironically don't live with her) and she can't control him. SS is mild-tempered and a sweet boy. She feeds off of him like a true narcissistic parasite. My advice to you would be to just try to be there for the girl as much as you can. She will backlash against you out of anger towards her mother, but just letting her know she had a good play or asking her what she wants to pick up to eat on the way are both good ways to let her know you care without getting too far into it. Some BMs, like the one I deal with, only put effort if theres a threat around. Now that Spawn has a stepmom, BM has finally after two years started making dedication posts about "her baby," Now that Spawn runs up to OtherStepMom she is jealous and gives the boy more attention because to them its all a game. In my case, BM found out that I would go eat with SS on a weekly basis last year in Kindergarten, this year-true to her competitive nature-she has made it very obvious to anyone that SHE, as HIS MOM, just loves having their 'regular' week day lunches together. My point being: if you start doing more for the girl, then the mom might be motivated to do more. Whether BM decides to run in and take charge or leave it to you-the girl is getting something from someone.

Evergreen's picture

I am so sorry to hear of your distress but I can tell you that reading through your drama is helping to open my eyes. I just posted today; do I stay or do I go? I can relate to everything you're saying. There will be no drama if I just hide under a rock. It's okay to be my boyfriend's lover and take such good care of his daughter and genuinely love her, spend the night with them... but if I show my face in public with them the BM goes bat sh&t crazy. I don't think it will ever change and I don't think I want to do this for the rest of my life.
Now, how do I break up with the man that I love?
This sux.