SS texting/sending photos to BM
BF has an issue as SS keeps texting BM photos and of things they do together, only to have BM twist things around and it upsets SS. How do we stop that? I know we can’t stop her, but how do we explain to SS in a nice way to stop texting her while with BF?
For example, BF took SS out last night. They went to a nice restaurant then to the zoo. I did not accompany them. SS sent photos of the food on the table and the animals they saw to BM via text. She then texted back, “You must be in (The city I live in…she knows the zoo is not in the city I live in) and “Wish I could have been taken out for a free meal. Did you have wine at the (Restaurant in the city I live in)? I guess I missed date night!”
SS was upset and kept asking BF what she meant by that, BF said he did not know and he would need to ask BM. BF told him if he doesn’t like BM’s reaction then he should not be texting her. SS said he wanted to share things with her but kept asking BF why BM wrote all of this, even saying, “She knows I’m too young to drink, why would she ask me if I had wine.” (Obviously the wine comment was directed to BF, insinuating that I was there).
Thoughts?
Remind me how old he is,
Remind me how old he is, please.
"BF said he did not know and he would need to ask BM"
I'd say your bf handled this right. He saw the gaping trap that is speculation
I think he needs to teach his
I think he needs to teach his son about enjoying the moment, instead of taking pictures and texting BM while doing things with his dad.
If he wants to "share" things with BM, he can do it in an actual conversation with her when he's back with her. It will be great bonding time for them! Although, not as much fun for her as sending snarky texts (which seem to be directed towards you SO, rather than SS).
Your boyfriend needs to stop
Your boyfriend needs to stop letting his kid text the bm when he's out with his son
How bizarre. I think your BF
How bizarre. I think your BF handled it just right. Let SS figure it out on his own. If BF tells him to stop, then it will be that he's refusing to allow her contact with her son, and it will also be giving her the attention she craves from your BF. She's hoping he will react to this nonsense and text her himself about it, or at least do or say something about it that SS will report back to her.
This is a common Hight
This is a common Hight Conflict BM tactic. Her goal is to either: aggravate your DH to the point he becomes the bad guy and takes the phone from the kid or tells the kid he cant text her making him look like the bad guy OR she will keep making snide comments or comments to make the kid feel guilty about having a good time without her in the hopes she ruins whatever fun he is having with his dad.
You can either ignore it OR your dh can contact her asking her about the drinking reference she made to him as it was inappropriate and turn it around on her.....Something along the lines of:
"Hi BM, SS came to me earlier today after you sent him some messages about him drinking which left us both confused. As I told him, I don't know what your messages meant but I would like to make sure that it is abundantly clear that underage drinking is not allowed whether he is with me or if he is with you. I assumed we were on the same page about this but based on your messages to him insinuating that he drink wine I want it to be known that it is inappriopriate and unacceptible. I have no issues with SS sharing our fun adventures with you, but if something like this happens in the future, I will have to start setting up some ground rules for his phone.
Thank you for understanding. DH"
Extra points if he does it
Extra points if he does it via OFW...
I was going to put email her
I was going to put email her because I know not everyone has a parenting app, but I really wish it was automatically required for everyone with custody issues to use a parenting app.
I would ignore. A HCBM wants
I would ignore. A HCBM wants any attention, even if it's negative attention. If she is like the HCBM in my life, she will spin this around.
In my case, whenever DH went to BM and asked her to stop doing something and mentioned SS telling him as his reference point for sending the message, BM would say that SS was mistaken or lying or DH was making it up. For example, DH asked BM to stop talking to Skids about child support and finances. BM said she never did that. DH told her that SS knew the exact amount of child support he paid. BM said that SS must have opened her mail and seen the check. In her mind, SS was always "very sincere" whenever he had anything negative to say about DH or our house, but always "mistaken" or "not being honest" when he said anything about BM or BM's house or what BM had told him. Skids in my case are now teenagers, so DH's strategy will just be to ignore 99% of what BM does.
Opps the phone fell into the
Opps the phone fell into the water. Sorry.
Thank you
Thanks for the information. SS is 14. BF trying to get an order for OFW at this time.
If SS is 14, he's plenty old
If SS is 14, he's plenty old enough to be told that he should ask BM what she means and that if he doesn't like her reaction he shouldn't be texting her. I think your BF gave the appropriate response. He's not restricting your SS from contacting BM, but he's not explaining away her responses, either. If SS is upset by BM's responses, he needs to talk to her, not your BF.
BM here used to do that...skids would text and say, "we're going here!" all excited and her reply would be, "you've already been there" as if you can only ever go to a place once. She would also have one SS regularly contact DH before visitation weekend or holidays to ask what we were doing and then she would rush to take SSs to the same place or activity before we did. The best was when SS asked DH what we were doing for their birthday and DH said, "going out for sushi". BM left work early and got sushi for Skids to eat at 3:30pm before DH picked them up...BM doesn't eat sushi. DH also mentioned something about us getting a dog in the near future and BM (who is not a dog lover) went out a few weeks later and bought a family dog.
Re: Phones, we had one SS who would text BM nearly non-stop while he was with us. It was always to complain or say DH was "mean" to him, because that's what BM wanted to hear. Skids were 12 almost 13 at the time. DH then told them they couldn't bring their phones and gave them one phone call with BM each day (they are only with us EOWE, so it's not like they are away from her for long). BM lost her mind and then at their next mediation insisted upon writing it into the agreement that she be allowed to contact her children at all times when they were with us. She even had her lawyer send a letter that said, "A stepmother's jealousy should not get in the way of a mother contacting her child." Nope, not a stepmother's jealousy (not really sure what I would be jealous of), just a stepmother's desire to not have BM's drama in her home at all times. What would happen would be SS texting BM saying something about how terrible we were and then BM texting DH saying, "the kids feel so uncomfortable around you! They are always upset at your house1 I'm going to come over and get them right now!" It was not a fun time and I still avoid that one SS because he also told BiL that I sit around when he is here and talk about how much I hate BM.
Take SS's phone when he
Take SS's phone when he arrives and do not give it back to him until he leaves to return to BM. Let him call his mom once a day for 5mins.
Problem solved.