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mental abuse by bm, what to do?

SnowAndRain's picture

okay so I'm not sure what to do here and I'm hoping for a little help. I'm sorry, if it's too long, and thank you in advance!

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. I knew from the beginning that his ex wife was crazy. She has been mentally abusing him and he is just recently started to come to terms with it, he was in denial until about a year and a half ago. It wasn't long after that I realized that she was a horrible person and an even worst parent. I tried to convince my husband to fight for a better custody agreement, but he was afraid that the children would resent him more from "taking them away from their mother".

I knew the children were suffering from parental alienation. I thought that maybe, after some time passed, the birth mother would ease up a little bit and start to behave better. Unfortunately she didn't, as a matter of fact she seems to be even more abusive towards them now. I actually believe that the children may suffer from Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy and it really scares me. I'm not sure what to do. DH doesn't want me to do anything because he's afraid of how the children will react. I'm of the opinion that the children need to be protected no matter what. Even if it means giving the children to foster care. Doesn't that seem like a better alternative than to be with a mentally and possibly physically abusive mother.

Dss tested his bm asking for something. She said no using dh as an excuse (even though dh had nothing to do with it) Dss replied "i h8 my life". Her reply

"I'm sorry you feel that way.

Live with Dad, you will be happier.

Thanks for hurting me when It has to do with something that is not in my power...for your information I already asked your Dad.

AND I have asked [dsd1] to go on YOUR behalf. EVERY know she don't have to go at all...

But I have talked to her about keeping The both of YOU mistake.

I will tell her she don't have to go anymore and you and [dsd2] go by yourselves EVERY weekend...

You want to talk to a judge? Get your Dad to take you. I'm DONE! (93 times)

You know I give and give and give....

And I just get shitted on over and over...

First by you...

Now the other kids...and all I ever do is try to do everything y'all want...wear myself out thin...

And STILL get crapped on...

Guess maybe if I act shitty towards y'all maybe y'all will be more grateful...

I bet not nothing but selfish people all around me.

Tired of being exhausted and making everyone else happy and fighting battles for you and the one time I don't go to bat for you...treat me like that...well...

I'm done.

It's time to concentrate on my happiness and screw everybody else because y'all are all ungrateful"

Dss replied an apology, and a few more texts, but she wouldn't reply to him. I couldn't believe the lies and filth she spewed at him... What parent does that?

I have considered calling dfcs. But Dh doesn't want me to, and I fear even if I did it wouldn't do anything for them. What do I do?

svillemomof4's picture

If you have other written or recorded items like this, save them. Yes, this sounds like BM is giving him a guilt trip but if this is an every week thing the courts may view it more as abuse. Poor kid Sad

SnowAndRain's picture

Dss is 14. And the rant started an hour before our scheduled visitation. So far the texts are not an everyweek thing, but he's only had the phone for 2 weeks. So we will have to see how it goes in the future. Both of the older kids have mentioned to us that mama makes them feel very small frequently. She's one of those people who can argue with you very convincingly, but everything she says is a load of bovine excrement. To top it off, as of today, she kicked out dsd1 until the end of the school year (about 2 weeks). She is 16. Last time she got kicked out it only lasted a week. That was about a year and a half ago.

blayze's picture

Honestly, those texts read like classic narcissism. The martyr *ahem* "mother" is using guilt and emotional manipulation and acting as the victim in order to shut down an argument. It's bullshit, but it's textbook - and once you understand the game, you'll be less affected by it.

The good news is that children of narcissists...if they survive it without their own mental problems forming...are some of the strongest among us. Mental toughness earned on the battlefield of life.

The bad news is that getting DFCS involved is probably not the best idea since emotional abuse is hard to prove.

Look at it this way: every conflict is an opportunity to teach. (*Totally not mine - author Becky A. Bailey wrote that.) Channel your energy into helping these children cope and giving them skills that Mama's not going to teach them. Your man can teach the son how to deal with narcissists... though, he'll need to learn how in order to teach it. Smile and Your DH has to starve the beast (no/minimal contact with BM) and then teach the son how to cope since he has to live with her.

And I'm sure this is pretty hard for you to read, but YOU CAN'T SAVE/HELP EVERYBODY. Yes, you can warn them about the stove being hot, but you might still have to watch them burn themselves until they truly understand it for themselves.

For any of us sensitive types who want to "protect" everyone, it's a tough pill to swallow. Your heart is definitely in the right place. But you are being "reactive", and acting as if this mother's behavior is going to destroy the kids. It might. But then again, it might not. Either way, you have an opportunity to show the children what a real woman/mother looks like. If they are smart, they will see your example, compare it to mama's craziness and thrive because of the insight.

***This has been a public service announcement from the daughter of a narcissist, who turned out to be a pretty cool human being, if only because of the sane women that came into her life and played a part in her development. Blum 3