So first things first, I feel to understand where I'm coming from everyone needs some background information. My husband works second shift (3:30 PM to midnight) so I came for the skids and our one year old most nights out of the week on my own. The bm recently moved 6 hours away for the guy she cheated on her soon to be ex husband with, and took their youngest child with her. Their oldest child they have still lives with her ex, and he continues her visits to our home as much as possible for the skids. 

Now that that is over, let's get into the real issue I'm having here. BM is, to put this as nice as I can, absolute hell to deal with. She insisted for a long time she needed to contact me instead of my husband due to his work schedule, which at the time seemed understandable because she could only do visits while he was gone because of her husbands work schedule. She doesnt have a license, so he had to bring her to her visits, which after sd moved in, were on one day a week and supposed to be an evening out with the kids. That turned into her sitting on my couch playing on her phone for one to three hours, taking a picture for social media, then leaving. Now she has moved, and she decides she still needs to be in contact with me only so she can make her phone calls, which happen sporadically, but average out to once every two weeks, about ten minutes per call. 

We originally asked for permission to work alongside her soon to be ex so the skids could see their half sibling she left behind when she moved, and the one time we planned for them to have a play date she lost her mind, and ended up blowing up on myself, my husband, and her ex. After that, we decided to keep things secret. I now understand why she did, because for three years she has said the most horrible things about us to each party to keep everyone from having a decent relationship. This includes, now that the skids have started counseling and opened up, hitting them and forcing them to blame her ex inlaws, who they lived with. She has also accused both men of being abusive, which made us all wanting to be around each other questionable to say the least. Now that we have seen her ex with the skids, we can tell that every thing she has said is a lie. 

Now that she has no way of causing drama though, she has decided to start making things up. As of this week, my husband and I apparently almost got arrested for leaving our kids in the car while we went grocery shopping. Obviously a lie, but let me point out that we live in a very small area, and I'm a teacher and my husband is a security guard, so that is not something we need spread around town for employment purposes. It has even been mentioned that she possibly has her friends following and watching all three adults at any given time, which gives me serious anxiety since I am alone with all three of our children at night. 

She also will call my ss, who because of her has his own cell phone, and taunt him by telling him how he and his other two siblings need to move in with her, calls him a baby, and makes him so angry he hangs up on her and throws said cell phone. She also enlists her mother to do the same thing. 

Currently, she is in contempt on our CO, because of how far she moved and because she dropped sd off without amending the agreement, which says it is her job to do since she is the one who changed everything. We don't have the money for an attorney to take her to court, and our court system doesnt allow us to do things without an attorney. We keep record of everything we can, including what the ex has given us and when he visits.

Here is where I need advice. Where do we draw the line on contact? I mean, it's been obvious for awhile that she is not in good mental health to be around the children, and it's also obvious that she has made no attempt to come and see them, or have a conversation with them that involves talking about their daily lives. I grew up adopted, and I do not have a good relationship with my bio or adopted mother. My husband is the same way, so we hate to see the skids go what we had to go through, but we also know how important it is for her to get help and be a positive influence in their lives. Does anyone know how to point out where the problems lie in a way she will actually listen, or get things official without having to pay thousands of dollars in court fees? We are both just at our last nerve with how she is acting, and she has my ss so upset that he has started acting really strange, including wetting himself for no apparent reason other than the bathroom was taken, we have two bathrooms, of which one was empty at the time. 

Also, my husband and I both have stated very clearly that she is to contact him, but she refuses to listen. Normally she will go about a month or so doing what we asked, and then were back to me getting hit with all the lies and drama she brings full force. I've tried not answering her, blocking her on social media (which caused more damage then anything), and explaining to her that I have a job and i cant teach if I'm on my phone constantly. My husband has explained that he is the other parent, and if anything this has nothing to do with me. Nothing will keep her in check.