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I want peace and stability's picture

*sad*New member, never posted. I am a mother of one and a stepmom to FOUR. Three DSDs and one DSS. I am four whole years into being into their lives. Bio mom has no diagnosis of a mental disorder but it has been highly suspected by most that deal with her on a regular basis, at the very least she exhibits very toxic behavior. She has a history of substance abuse and domestic violence, but no criminal charges in the last four years. She has been doing better and better in my opinion but still causes enough chaos to disturb the stability of our life, kids especially! She's an on and off parent, choosing whenever she likes to be present and involved or not. Our current custody agreement reflects that all four children spend atleast half of their time with her and half with dad, no CS between households. It has been running smoothly for just about 3 months now, which is GREAT for her. She springs on us last month though that she is no longer going to be getting the four on her allotted time and says she has plans in the works to gain full custody of all four sometime within the new year and she needs to prepare for this transition in the meantime... by not having them but a few days out of a month as she sees fit. She is saying that around some time in August she plans on moving them all in with her.

I am a little lost on how to give my family stability amidst these messes that she creates. These "ventures" are never ending, one ends and she begins another. Changing visitation, the kids lives and our lives as she wishes!

I am seeking advice on how to gain peace with this, as much as is possible and to connect with others who may be going through this, I feel very alone and out of control of my life! HELP!

Just to add: My SKs are taught by BM to not accept or like me of course. I have witnessed this on several occasions as well as heard from SKs that talking badly about me is a regular and encouraged occurence! Therefore, our time spent with them is strained, they often have terrible attitudes, mostly just DSDs, DSS does not appear to get involved much in these things. I am despised in my own home and often feel like not being arounds SKs at all! This hurts by DH's feelings but I feel overwhelmed by their hatred.

Evil3's picture

What does your DH do about his daugthers' crappy treament of you? Does he stand back with his thumb up his ass claiming that he's caught in the middle? Does he tell you you're the adult and the onus is on you to "try harder" or whatever other wild and wonderful thing you're supposed to do? The truth is, it is on your DH to yank the girls' chains and require them to treat his wife with respect. If your DH is a ball-less wonder, then his kids will never treat you better. I would have it out with him and tell him that the reason you don't like being around your SKs is because of the hatred they show you in YOUR own home and that your DH is a crappy husband since he's failing to protect his wife. Tell him that you are turned off of a man who doesn't have your back and if he doesn't have your back PDQ, you'll have to "consider your options."

I went through hell with my SD30 and she kept it up for years because my DH was too afraid to stand up to her. By failing to yank her chain, he betrayed me and sold me out. I finally had to tell him that not  having my back was a deal breaker and a hill I was willing to die on.'s picture

He has struggled with standing up to them in the past because of his guilt for the way their life has gone. But recently, he has showed up and requires that they treat me with respect. They don't openly disrespect now (for the most part). Living with that many people in one house, I hear the comments made and the way they speak of me though. The hatred is still very palpable for me.. 

Evil3's picture

How old are the little darlings? I would kick them the hell out if they were of an age that they can go to BM's or launch.

They're having you hear comments on purpose. Your DH needs to know that and he needs to shut it down and start issuing consequences. His wife shouldn't be made to feel so uncomfortable in her own home. You are 50% of the adult equation and you shouldn't have to hear those comments. If your DH gives you grief, then it's time to get nanny cams and show him each and every time that something was said while you were in close proximity. Those brats are doing it on purpose.'s picture

The oldest is actually 18, just turned 18 this month. Her and BM has it out last year and DSD was welcomed back in to our home, it was very close to being if not precisely physical violence so of course we told her that she was more than welcome. Since then, she has made up with BM but still lives with us, she has plans on moving out at the end of the school year. I think even DH is excited about this! Her attitude in general is sucky.. 

The other two girls are 16 and 14. DSS is 8. They want to be with BM but she won't have them. She has had "plans" to have them full time for years. It never materializes, and we get stuck with the aftermath. They are inevitably hurt and disappointed, they want to live with their mom but she won't have them. 

I find it purposeful too, they can be very passive aggressive and DH often misses the eye rolls and the muttering. 


tog redux's picture

"I am despised in my own home and often feel like not being arounds SKs at all! This hurts by DH's feelings but I feel overwhelmed by their hatred."

I love this sentence. You are treated poorly by his children, so of course - you don't feel like being around them. And this "hurts his feelings". What about YOUR feelings? What about you having to put up with 3 BM-bots talking crap about you behind your back in your own home? Why isn't he parenting and setting limits on them?

And by the way, it's not guilt he feels, it's FEAR - he fears losing them to crazy BM.  So much that he doesn't really care how you feel.'s picture

He thinks it's a phase and I should remain loving and supportive until it passes. Or that's been brought up in the past. He's less tolerant of their crap lately. He is getting good with consequences and seems to want things to change. Obviously though, we have a longer way to go than I thought! 

Siemprematahari's picture

He thinks it's a phase and I should remain loving and supportive until it passes.

Well this must be a long phase and you don't have forever to have to put up with this nonsense. He needs to get a back bone and stand up for you. I'd rather take the financial hit than to have to deal with this being the rest of my life with him. Life is too short to live like this. 

Rags's picture

Pot is legal for recreational use in some states and alcohol is legal in all 50 states.  Join a wine club. If you want peace and stability find a good dispensary and liquor store.

Just kidding of course.

Peace and stability will only be possible if your DH goes to war with BM.  Let her disappear for 6mos.... then... when she goes after custody your DH can nail her with a child abandonment suit to end her parental rights to the Skids.  There is no CS order currently so purging her rights will not cost either your home or hers any steady support. The odds of either her gaining custody or your DH ending her rights due to abandonment are pretty much slim and none. But.... she needs to experience getting her ass bared and shredded in court.  Pain modifies behavior so apply it liberally towards BM and her crap.

She is broadcasting her strategy so listen, prepare and document, document, document.  Get a killer attorney and work with them to destroy her when she pulls her push for custody crap.

If she is going to tell you what she intends to do, listen and use it to destroy her.

And... have fun!  Destroying the blended family opposition is a very calming and stabilizing hobby.

At least it was for me.'s picture

Sorry for the lapse in time for a reply. I appreciate your response so much! I think the above mentioned scenario seems best and I am looking forward to removing as much of the toxic BM's bs from our life as possible.