How Much Do I Really Want to Know?
It has been a couple of weeks since my first taste of crazy involving my BF's Ex wife. (How Do I Survive the Chaos).
Since then, I insisted that he cut off all contact with her that did not involve the children, and focus on contacting his teenage sons directly.
He has blocked her number in his cell and uses a text filter to have any texts she sends go to a junk folder (saving them in case we need them for proof of her crazy).
He has told me about emails (some trashing me, some love letters from her) and a voicemail (maybe more than one). He promised to set up an email acct for correspondence strictly with her that I would be privy to. So far, he has not set up the email acct, let me read the emails or listen to the voicemails. It bothers me bc I feel that he is hiding something, although he explained that he has seen how much all of this has hurt me and he doesn't want me to be hurt further. One one hand I see what he is saying and agree, what I don't know won't hurt me...but curiosity and desire to protect myself and my relationship is causing internal conflict which causes me to wonder, if there is nothing to hide, why isn't there complete transparency. I know he hasn't told me everything in the emails, he said that he didn't reply to them. Why do I feel the need to read them and anguish over them? Do I even have the right to ask to read these emails? (I have no desire to read anything else except the communication between them). Why would I want to do this to myself? And if there is nothing to hide, why won't he let me read them?
I made my needs and desires about how he communicates with her known and i do not regret that at all.
I do not wish to dictate how he interacts with his children ( I really want them to be able to visit, vacation as much as possible and have meaningful relationships with him bc he so desperately wants that and they deserve a good relationship with their father) however, the ex needs to know that she is not allowed to meddle in our relationship. I feel that what she has done so far (and what he enabled her to do) gives me the right to voice how I need to be protected from the drama and I should be given the choice of how and when I choose to interact with it, if at all. I kind of feel as though if he would share with me the communication, my fears and insecurity would be alleviated, despite the initial hurt they will cause. I suppose it comes down to on some level I don't trust him to take care of it bc his personality is more of "let me ignore it and it will go away" where as I am more of a "let's face this head on and do what we can to stop the bs and protect our relationship". If the roles were reversed, I would want to do whatever I could to make my partner feel safe and secure.
For the most part, I believe he agrees that is what is best, although I know he has a lot of fear that she will do everything in her power not to let him see his children.
I have issue with him not standing up to her sooner, but I also realize that he has been abused and manipulated by her for almost 20 years, so I don't want to push too hard.
I don't know if this is one of those things I should let go of and try to trust his judgement... I am still encouraging him to speak to a professional and for us to do so together as well. I also know that she is in violation of their custody agreement and he needs to hire an attorney (I don't feel as though it is my place to pressure him on that front).
Would you want to read the emails? Are my concerns / thoughts valid or do they sound like insecure ramblings? Sometimes I feel like the easiest thing is to leave, but I don't want to do that. I am scared that I will start trying to manipulate and control our life rather than us build one together....
This issue really depends on
This issue really depends on your personality. I am also a "let's face this head on" kind of gal, which, in retrospect, is not always the best reaction. After four years of having my life threatened, smear campaigns against my children and I, to flat out lies all over FB for thousands to see, I've earned the title of "psycho". I don't START the drama, but I react poorly to it. I used to be fairly laid back, but my temper is getting the best of me. SO and I have deactivated all social media accounts, and I've told him and everyone I know not to tell me ONE thing about BM or SKs. BM has just remarried, by the way, I thought that would help a little....NOT. I honestly think, for me, the less I know, the better. Facing things head on only seems to fuel their fire.
I want to know everything to.
I want to know everything to. Especially everything a cra-cra EX is saying.
Yessss! She WILL be renting
Yessss! She WILL be renting space in your brain! Only she's more squatting than renting. And she's smoking crack in the corner.
I want to know as well. I
I want to know as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with that-I believe that both parties need to know what they are up against and if received properly they can offer a great deal of support to each other. From the beginning my DH has been completely transparent about all incoming emails/texts etc and I don't always read them but I am welcome to at any time (sometimes it provides some great comedic relief!) BM in our case sounds a lot like yours...she has lost control of him and doesn't like it) For us, it helps us as a team to come to a decision together on how he should respond or in most cases NOT respond. I NEVER correspond with her (trust me there have been moments when I'd like to launch a grenade into her house) but I remain supportive and he appreciates my input.
Making clear boundaries for yourself is helpful...what exactly are you willing to put up with? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally attached to someone else? Speak openly with him-tell him your concerns because they are valid-never bury your feelings
I know my DH was hesitant in the beginning because she would put a lot of details about their relationship into the emails and he was embarrassed-but we both recognize that neither of us are virgins-and we have both had prior relationships.
Hang in there...I'm a new step parent dealing with a certifiable BM...I feel your pain sister
I know your situation very
I know your situation very well. When FDH and I first got together BM was absolutely over the top crazy. She was still in love with him wouldn't let him go. Seriously i could type for days and not say everything. It eventually got to the point where I felt like he was having an emotional affair with her. He'd let her vent, listen to her trash me (telling her she should stop or he'd hang up but he wouldnt), respond to all of her texts any hour of the day, etc.
Anyway after I let this run its course for a while thinking it would cease after a while I put my foot down. Now he only responds to her if it is directly related to their daughter. If she trashes me he hangs up the phone and doesn't answer the following phone calls, etc. It's made things with US 100% better. It made things with them worse. His initial fear in the beginning is she would with hold his daughter from him but it never happened. She can't handle YSD on her own not because she's bad or anything but because she needs a break.
Although I still do read his texts and he doesn't mind. I read every single one of them because sometimes he doesn't see what I see how she is trying to manipulate. For instance YSD "goes to the hospital" once or twice a month. Well this is a ploy from her to make him feel bad for one (he always says he is on his way calling her on her BS but then she says they are going home, etc). Well this last time he felt bad because he thought maybe she was really sick. She supposedly had an IV and well we had visitation the next day and YSD didn't have a mark, a needle prick, a bruise NOTHING. He doesn't always see her lies and how she uses him.
And honestly with how crazy she is sometimes it's fun to read her rants. It used to bother me but now I am to the point where I can sit back and laugh about it. Pathetic.
As long as you trust your
As long as you trust your husband, you should not have any interest in what his ex is doing or saying. When my husband and I got together, his ex went all over town saying he was cheating on me with her just to try to make me mad (even though she was in a relationship, too and made herself look like a whore).
She tries to flirt with him in front of me, and of course gets no reaction from him. She has tried crying on the phone, texting and then texting "why are you ignoring me?" when he won't respond. Maybe it's because I DID have access to it all that I become sure pretty quickly that I have nothing to worry about.
Trust me, your husband is glad he escaped that psycho, and won't be going back. So, I'd pretend it isn't going on and move on