You are here

How did you deal with accusations about you or your kids?

Biostep7777's picture

Crazy has tried absolutely everything to accuse DH of all sorts of ridiculous things. Every time she has failed. 

All of a sudden out of nowhere, her and her attorney want to depose me. I know what's coming. She wants to depose me to try and get info so she can start building her story and try to accuse me of god knows what. Which is hilarious. I have never even got a speeding ticket. However, my kids are going through a lot of trauma right now and I'm more concerned she's going to try and accuse them of something. I absolutely without a doubt know it's coming. She is the sickest person I have ever met and she hates us. 

How do I best protect myself and my kids? I absolutely know she's coming after us now snd my kids really need calm in their lives right now and can't handle more trauma which is exactly what she hoping for.  My kids dad has cancer and it's a devastating time. Perfect time for her to attack us. She's incredibly sick. What can I do at this point? 
 

CastleJJ's picture

Consult your attorney. You can refuse to answer any questions that reveal privileged or irrelevant private information that do not pertain to this custody case. 

Your children's bio dad having cancer is irrelevant. Hell your children are irrelevant in this custody case. Let your attorney handle the deposition and coach you accordingly. 

Are you sure you want to stick with DH through all of this? I'm by no means telling you to leave DH, but you two seem to want very different things: you want him to drop rope to protect your family's sanity and well-being and he refuses to drop rope to prevent "giving up on his kids." Is all of this worth it? Maybe it is time for a heart to heart with DH that look, BM is now dragging me and my children into this and I am not willing to involve myself or my children in her tactics. 

Biostep7777's picture

What's considered privileged though? Can she ask me if my kids have ever drank or smoked or cursed or what?? Not that I'm worried about that but the attorney said there's no limit. They can ask anything except for privileged information but I'm not clear on what that is exactly. Quite honestly, I have tried to keep my and my kids lives as private as possible from her. She takes one little thing and creates this elaborate story and I just don't want to deal with her. Out sweet little puppy likes chasing the rope on the rope swing. One day SS jumped on the swing and she went to grab it and nipped his leg by accident. A couple weeks later we get a letter stating SS was brutally attacked by "fathers dog" ummm she's a 15lb puppy (at the time) and the kids picked her out. She's the sweetest and our beloved family pet. If we had to surrender her over lies? BM didn't really give a crap. Nope, instead at the same time, she went out and got them a puppy for their house. So, her kids sound have gotten over it but my kids? They would have been beyond devastated. She literally does.not.care. what she does to people (of animals) . She's extremely sick. 

CastleJJ's picture

Our SS also had a dog nip by my MIL's old dog. My MIL's dog was deaf and blind. SS ran up and grazed by her and she got spooked and nipped. Barely left a scratch, didn't break the skin, and no blood. It honestly looked like a paper cut. DH put antiseptic on it to clean it (you know dog germs), informed BM, explained what happened, and provided proof of rabies vaccine. 

It was all fine and dandy until it wasn't. 2 weeks later BM was claiming it was a vicious attack; that the dog caused a puncture wound and that DH failed to seek immediate medical attention. BM claimed rush SS to the ER for this "terrible dog bite," yet no medical records indicated that. BM told DH via email that she would never allow DH to seek medical care due to his clear pattern of negligence and that she could not trust him with SS anymore. We are still "paying" for that incident. That "dog bite" is listed on all of SS' school forms under the section that inquires about past surgeries or major injuries. It's not just the "dog bite." We used to get emails from BM about sunburns, mosquito bites, etc. trying to claim negligence on our part. If we had to do it all again, we would have taken a timestamped photo of his "wound" so when BM claimed "puncture wound" and medical negligence, we would have had proof contradicting her statement. 

Guess what, SS has slammed his hand in a car door at BM's house which led to two broken fingers. SS has required several x-rays for injuries at BMs, yet we never hear anything negative from BM about those and DH doesnt parent shame her for those injuries. Kids get hurt. It's as simple as that. 

Your children are irrelevant to this court case. If they ask about the dog, state only the facts as it pertains to skids. Leave your kids out of it. The fact is SS got nipped by your dog, no injury and you have since surrendered the dog in SS' best interest to prevent any future occurrences. Let this be a lesson to document every illness, injury, etc. that happens on your visitation to prevent false claims. If SS gets hurt, take a picture, so a little skinned knee doesn't turn into a BM concocted major laceration that required an ER visit. 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh yes. I absolutely struggle with this all the time. My kids love their home, their life here, their step siblings, their stepdad. This is their home and we are their stability. They need to feel safe right now and me leaving DH would cause even more trauma for them. I adore DH. It would be devastating for us all. But, I know I would never give up on my kids either. We both struggle with it all. 

CastleJJ's picture

Don't try to let the court stuff and BM's game infiltrate your home. DH needs to limit BM's communication. He only has to check his email once per day. Turn off notifications, remove email from all of the devices. Even if BM sends 10 emails a day, just have DH check once per day, filter through the crap and respond to what requires a response. Anything that doesn't require a response, move to a BM folder for record keeping purposes. You are not expected to be at BM's beck and call 24/7. She can wait 24 hours for a response and that is totally reasonable. 

I think once you limit BM's presence in your home, you will find more peace and feel more in control. You and DH will feel less stressed and the kids will notice that shift in anxious energy. Cutting out communication is a great first step. 

ESMOD's picture

What kind of things do you envision coming up in court?  What kinds of accusations?

I know you fear her trying to "prove your DH spends money on your kids".. as if that is somehow going to change the outcome of court.  In reality.. how he spends his money is fairly irrelevant to the court as long as he is meeting his required obligations.  He could be getting weekly pedicures for himself.. buying starbees daily... that really doesn't matter.  The court is not necessarily obligated to give his EX Carte Blanche on his entire income stream.  He can take the neighborhood kids to Friendly's for sundays if he wants.. they can't micromanage his wallet like that.  Your lawyer should be objecting to questions like that.

The discussions and testimony should be limited to the issue at hand.  That is the children that they share and whether he is meeting his financial and custody obligations to the children.. and whether his EX is holding up her end of that rope.

I know that there is contention over the number of Extra Curriculars that the kids are involved in.  I don't think that the court will necessarily overly step in and force him to pay for more than he is "willing" to do right now.  He has basically said one sport at a time.. and that doesn't seem unreasonable.. and it's not like he is denying it solely on a financial basis.. he has some legit concerns about physical and mental burnout and focus on important things like school.. relationship time with his father etc...   The order originally said.. "if he agreed".. he can claim for absolutely non-financial reasons that he doesn't believe that overscheduling the kids is in their best interest and he should have the PROOF of his involvement and attendance and support of the activities they HAVE been involved in with his agreement.

I think that people said your lawyer should not have you deposed and make them provide a reason why they need you to chime in on anything.. that might give you an idea of the issues that are of concern.

It might be that mom is concerned that YOU are spending more time with her kids than your DH.. that might be grounds in her mind to reduce visiation.. but that is just a guess.

What are your specific fears of accusation?  and does your lawyer have an opinion on that?

Biostep7777's picture

Thank you. Yeah, I don't spend time with them. DH is with the the entire time they are here except for an occasional drop off/pick up for sports. That sort of thing. 
I am not worried about any outcome as there's nothing. I just have never done anything. Lol. I don't drink at all. I am home with my kids, my ex will testify that I'm a great mom. I think this is going to end up being more about my kids. As I stated, they have gone through a lot of trauma this last year. They have had bouts of depression and they have had outbursts, (crying) they have got into arguments and cursed. I mean nothing overly concerning and we are working with their therapist. This is pretty typical for kids going through trauma. 
I think  she's going to say that my kids have mental issues and her kids shouldn't be around them or something. I don't know. She's has has some pretty weird accusations. She withheld the kids for months because SS had told my DH that he would give him a back rub for $5. That turned into allegations and she said "she just doesn't know what that meant" ummmm yeah okay. My kids run my feet all the time. He karate chopped DH's bsck for like 3 minutes and we all laughed. So, yeah. I put absolutely nothing last her. She's incredibly dark and will go to any length to get what she wants and she doesn't care who or how much she hurts someone. She loves it. She's truly truly evil, I have seen emails to teachers, coaches, principals, other moms ect.. that she copied DH on when they were married just ripping these people apart saying they had mental issues, that the school was discriminating against her son for being gifted. Yeah okay. These were from many years ago so not sure they would even look at them but it shows a clear pattern of abusive behavior. She got so bad that the principal banned her from contacting the teacher/parents in the classroom. She's literally nuts! She could do/say absolutely anything! There is no limit to how low she will go. She's absolute trash. 

ESMOD's picture

Her lawyer hopefully will be smart enough to not let her jump up and start throwing out a lot of baseless accusations because in reality.. it makes her look bad.. not your family.

Have your children ever harmed her kids?  Have they harmed them to the point where they have had documented medical visits?

Any sane judge will understand that kids have conflicts.. just like adults... and that there is a huge difference between a kid using a curseword.. or saying something mean.. to a physical confrontation etc..  I doubt he removes these kids from custody with your dh because the kids argued over who's turn it was to pick the game to play on the Ps4  or whatever.

If your kids were molesting hers.. or introducing or exposing them to illegal drugs?  maybe that enters the territory where a judge might have a pause to think about stuff... but kids hear cuss words.. kids argue.. kids have struggles sharing 

The judge will be interested in FACTS... in documented patterns.  I don't think there is a lot of patience when parents say things that are unfounded and make claims about what happens in the other home with no direct knowledge.

Don't forget.. court isn't like her email account.. she doesn't get limitless access to regale the judge with her stories... stories that when they start to come together appear to be conflated.

If you are asked if the kids get along.  I might practice the kind of answer that would be good.

Yes, the kids get along and appear to like each other.

Do they ever fight?

Sure, every family has disagreements but nothing that would be viewed as abnormal like who ate the last cookie or who got to pick the restaurant last time.  When there are conflicts.. we work with the kids to get past the issue and pull together as a family that respects each other.

Do your kids suffer from mental illness?

My kids are in therapy to deal with the grief from some trauma (cancer in a close relative) they have experienced in the past year.  We are supportive of them in their therapy because we feel it's important that everyone have an opportunity to seek help when it is needed.  That doesn't mean that they have a mental illness per se.

 

 

Biostep7777's picture

Thank you. This helps. Omg no way! My kids love their step siblings and they are so good to them. No they are not doing anything illegal. But, she's going to say they are. The judge believed her with zero evidence when BM lied to her face and said DH didn't take them to any sports in 2019. Not only did he....he was SS's coach! She just lies and doesn't  care and often she gets away with it crying the "I'm just a single mom doing her best here" 

OKtoStep's picture

My anxiety therapist taught me the most magical of phrases. Instead of talking about mental health, which implies something fundamentally broken, use "emotional well being" which has a healthy, warm and fuzzy connotation. Your kids are in therapy to support their emotional well being and to learn to process their grief in a healthy manner. Period.

ESMOD's picture

See.. I don't get that your DH's lawyer wasn't able to provide the "proof" that your DH was the coach that year.  That is just odd that there was no way that her "lies" could be addressed?\

I think you definitely need to have a gameplan with your lawyer.. that there is going to be some way to address things she is claiming when you can provide "proof" to the contrary.  If he was coach.. there certainly must have been some documentation with the league on THAT for example.

Biostep7777's picture

It was at the TPA hearing. We only had 30 min and had no idea she would lie to the judge. We have the proof ready for court when we go to show her lies. But, like the judge is going to care? Everything I read and see here, the judge doesn't care. 

ESMOD's picture

If this is being held in front of the same judge.. your lawyer should have had a list of the falsehoods she presented.. part of his/her case should be showing prroof that those allegations were untrue... like coaching his son's team.

And.. maybe the judge will care.. maybe they won't.  What happens in one court won't happen in all of them... and you may find one is ready to listen to reasonable responses.

But... your DH has hired a lawyer.. that lawyer should be the one that could alleviate concerns.. who you could ask.. "what about when she lies.. how do we deal?." and they need to explain how the will do that in a hearing.  

 

tog redux's picture

Have you talked to his attorney yet about whether you have to do the deposition?

 

Biostep7777's picture

Yes. They told me to get my own. Which I did. It's tough to get out of a deposition. 

CrownJewels's picture

That is why the Gods invented Contempt of Court. Dodge the bailiff trying to serve you. If he manages to find you lie about your identity. Burn the document if it's on your doorstep.

Just say NO, I  REFUSE! If you want, ask your lawyer if he defends criminal cases, too. I believe there is Attorney/Client privileges.

Go full crazy. Out crazy the stupid b1tch.

This is making me incredibly angry for you. I have dealt with the offense of bailiffs showing up at MY house looking for HER. He didn't believe me when I said I wasn't her! How could anyone mistake my (at that time) healthy weight, long, pretty hair, attractive face, not smelling like an old ashtray for that WALRUS?! I mean, I can easily find out everything about BM with a quick Internet search. I have never been so offended in my whole life. 

Also, harassing phonecalls from law offices looking for BM. I fairly screamed at the last one. I was like "WHY CAN I FIND HER ACTUAL ADDRESS AND YOU MORONS CAN'T?! THIS IS HER FNG ADDRESS: ********. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TAKING A CALL FROM YOU AND I'M NOT GIVING YOU HER INFORMATION AGAIN!"

I've never received another call nor Bailiff for BM again. I no longer answer the door to strangers or bailiffs. F*** em all! ARGG!

This is on top of everything else BM has done and not done. My resentment is larger than Texas 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I am glad you have your own attorney, I was going to suggest that you consider it. When it comes down to it, DH's attorney is going to protect and look out for DH and his case, not you and your children. You need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children. You need to have a serious conversation with your lawyer about exactly what information you have to give, make sure they will step in during the deposition if necessary.

I dont' know how to say this without it sounding awful, but your children need to come before DH's court case.

 

simifan's picture

If you are truly concerned, I would. The custody attorney is there to protect SO's interest. While they most likely intertwine, it would be possible for the attorney to throw you under the bus to protect SO. 

I wouldn't answer most questions regarding your children beyond basic info - names, ages & how they get along with skids. Everything else I would answer, "That is personal information, and is not relevant to your custody case."

CrownJewels's picture

It'll be a cold day in Hell before BM can depose me. I would rather sit in jail for contempt of court. I refuse to bring my innocent children into this BS. BM can go f herself for reals.

Yeah, I am crazy and a stubborn bitch just like my mother and proud of it. Smile

futurobrillante99's picture

Girl you need to calm down. I swear to god you're gonna have a heart attack or a stroke if you let this woman get inside your head.

You cannot control what she will say and you cannot control what the judge will think. What you do control is what you say. If you go to the deposition, you do not have to answer any questions that you don't want to answer. She is not entitled to know anything about how much you make, what your husband spends And who he spends it on after he pays his child support, and anything about your children.

Hell there's even more that she's not entitled to know. If you don't get your anxiety under control you're going to make mistakes and you're going to give her ammunition. Maybe talk to your doctor or therapist about getting some anxiety medicine or something to calm you down a bit. The next step is to understand what you can and cannot control.

You can control what comes out of your mouth but you can't control the bio mom and you can't control what the judge thinks.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Maybe I've missed something, but what does YOUR lawyer advise? 

I would go gunning for that B. Find out what your attornet can do to HER in the deposition.

skell76's picture

on 4/26 you said you were served and lost of input given.  I'd defer back to that for advice.  

Rags's picture

Refuse the deposition.  You are the SM and as such  you "are not a party to the case".  As our family court Judge informed me.  Then he asked for my income information... which I refused to provide since "I am not a party to the case" which put his Harry Potter robbed Fisher-Price hammer slinging immanence into apoplexy.  I of course did eventually provide my income information but only after he nearly stroked out and threatened me with contempt.

 

halo1998's picture

By having your attorney enter his/her appearance and file a motion to quash the subpoena based on the fact that you have no legal standing in this case.    They judge may not grant it but the opposition will have to disclose why they think your testimony would be of value to their case.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If the kids aren't already in counseling, I would get them into counseling. You can have your attorney request any questions the court has for your children can be asked through the counselor due to thier current fragile mental state and the stress of Thier father's illness.

Biostep7777's picture

They are in therapy. How can she ask questions about my kids? I will not answer any personal information about my children. She can go f--k herself. Lol.