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HCBM just blocked the entire summer

Biostep7777's picture

Not that this is going to happen but HCBM asked DH if SS can do camp in June, Then she is taking her vacation weeks the second and fourth weeks in July, Then she asked him if she could ALSO have them the weekend of the 4th of July to see their cousins then SS wants to do band next year and it's mandatory band camp for two weeks starting the first week of August then they are back to school. So, the weeks DH would get for his two weeks vacation times? ZERO and of course she has already told them all about these camps and cousins visiting and they are so excited so now if DH says no he's taking his vacation weeks? Guess who the bad guy is? Guess who gets their vacation ruined because they are going to be pissed off. She already lied to the kids and blamed dad for them not being able to go to Jamaica or something like that.  She's unbelievable!!! I really hate dealing with her and her constant games. She's asking DH to agree to band next year and baseball next year and and NEVER STOPS! She told him she insists on SS going to two weeks of camp and asked him what his problem is that he is saying only one week. We CAN'T afford it! On top of the thousands in child support we pay her, we pay hundreds a months for all sorts of things and she just keeps piling on more snd more and more. Band is $500! Baseball is $2000 plus equipment plus extra fees plus thousands in calls plus $400 drivers Ed plus therapy at $400 a month plus $2500 in child support. And NO we do not have all this money and she just never STOPS! I'm so sick of it!!!! DH told her he can't afford it and she loses her mind then we have to deal with her and SS pissed off because their entitled asses can't do whatever they want. This is hell. Absolute hell in earth! She is pathetic. Using her kids to get DH to do what sje wants. She's sick and disgusting.

CastleJJ's picture

BM doesn't get to dictate and "NO" is a complete sentence. DH should not commit to anything for next year and should demand he maintain his entire summer visitation. 

Our BM did this for a while, promising SS tons of fun activities and camps during our parenting time and then making us out to be the bad guys when SS had to visit us. DH told SS, "I'm sorry son, but it wasn't your Mom's time to give away. If she wants you to have these experiences, she needs to plan them on her time." 

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. No court is going to hold DH in contempt for not being able to pay these crazy expenses. If skids miss out, oh well, maybe BM could pay for something for once. 

Where are you at in the court process? How is all that going?

Biostep7777's picture

They are going to mediate next month. Probably won't get anywhere. 

yeah he's going to stand firm but the abuse that we all have to endure from both her and step kids makes it seem not worth it. Allow it and he not see his kids or not allow it and have to listen to the abuse for god knows how long. She wanted SS in a $400 drivers Ed program and DH was like uhhhh he can do it through school for $65 and be with his friends. I would like him to do that. Then she messaged him saying "I would like to move forward  with the drivers Ed (talking about the $400 one) it's like she doesn't acknowledge anything he says so he has to repeat it. He already said he's not paying for that and that  he can go through school. Wtf is wrong with her? It's so frustrating!! He says no and she ignores it and say okay we are going to do this one. Hello??  Is she an idiot? 

CastleJJ's picture

No. She isn't an idiot. She is being a HCBM. You already know she is going to do whatever she wants anyway, so this shouldn't surprise you. You and DH need to learn to say "No."

When she ignores his request and says she is going to do it anyway, DH's response needs to be:

 "You state that you are enrolling SS in a $400 driver's   education program. I have already expressed my  disagreement with this specific program in my last email because of its high cost and I offered a less expensive program that meets the same objective. You disregarded my offer and attempt to coparent, making it clear that you are not willing to compromise and are going to go ahead with your chosen program, which means that you are accepting that you will be paying the full cost of SS enrollment. I will not be financially contributing to an extracurricular that I do not agree with and find financially unreasonable, especially when you have ignored my compromise for a more cost effective option. This will be my final communication on this topic. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Do not give this BM your headspace. 

If DH and you cannot handle BM and her antics, then consider dropping rope and being done with it all. Her and skids abuse isn't worth you or DH's sanity. Your skids are old enough and appear to be highly alienated. Consider if its worth it because BM isn't giving up anytime soon. 

thinker's picture

The worst part is, you may kid yourself and think this ends when they turn 18, but it doesn't!  In my case, it got worse with college expenses, extracurriculars, travel, etc.  And one is out of college, and it still continues even though he's a 23-year old grown man with a fulltime job.  He takes and takes and takes.  I don't think it will ever end. 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh God nooooo!!!! Luckily in our state child support stops at 18. No college participation needed. 

Rags's picture

Your DH gets two weeks of vacation with the Kid every summer. Start telling the SKid that the two weeks at Disney, the trip to Hawaii, cool cruises, etc... can't happen because BM is manipulating all of the summer shedule.

See how she likes that.


Biostep7777's picture

They don't care. She's right, we are wrong. Everytine. We already took them to Disney. They had an amazing time! That is until they got home and back with her. After a week with her they no longer liked the Disney trip and never want to go back. She's a real peach this one. She's so abusive and no matter how many therapist tell her, she doesn't listen and doesn't care. Her hatred for DH is stronger than the love for her children. Which doesn't make sense. She's the one who cheated and wanted the divorce. She sick in a whole other level. She has fired the last 4 therapists and refuses to take them unless it's the out of network one and of course.....expects DH to pay for it. 

Cookieboom's picture

OMG, sounds like my BM. She cheated with a married man, is still with that married man and acts like BF is the devil himself.  She ran off BF’s prior girlfriend before he met me.

We, too all took hung out when BF’s family came for a visit and we had a great time.  DS was beaming the whole time and even bought my kids and I some trinkets from a local gift shop. 

He went home to BM to come back saying he had the worst time of his life, me or my “F’up kids should not have been with “his family” and he only “acted” like he had a good time for the sake of his grandpop. Such nonsense!!!!  

Rags's picture

Time to role out the facts.  Kids who are this victimized and manipulated by a PASing parent should be smacked in the face over, and over and over again with the facts regarding their PASing parent.  DIvorces, cheating, bankruptcies, getting fired from jobs, arrest records, court transcripts, comprehensive email, text, voicemail and conversation transcript records, incidents of adultery, over, and over, and over again.

"So, why is it that you had a great time when we all went to Disney but suddely you hated it once your manipulative mother has something to say about it?" Do not tolerate anything short of an indepth detailed logical response and keep jerking the chain until they start to recognize that it is their toxic PASing BM who is the root cause of their pain.

We took the stance that our job was to protect SS's best interests and to minimize their manipulative crap.  What worked was focusing on choices and behaviors and applying escalating misery inducing consequences for their manipulative choices.  Eventaully SS learned to recognize their crap, was able to confidently confront their crap when their manipulative crap did not pass his smell test, and he learned confidence in where his real life was, who wanted what was best for him, and who his REAL family was.  All proven by demonstrative dedication to his best interest, the best interest of our family, and addressing it all as a team.  Yes, he struggled periodically with feelings of sympathy and empathy for that part of his family, he felt guilt when they whined about how the CS ($133/mo) took food and nice things and experiences away from his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.  But.... facts, discussion, etc... got us all through it fairly unscathed.

His mom and I married the week before SS-28 turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

He has thrived as an adult.  Sadly his younger half sibs have not. One is in prison, another is not far behind (the two full sib boys), and the sister is nearly continuously on the ragged edge of homelessnes.  The SpermIdiot is pretty much a waste of skin.

Do not waste time making sense of the toxic opposition.  

Good luck.

P.S. Of course there is no universal truth or effective way of dealing with the variables and specifics in each blended family situation.  I think the assess, act, adjust model ultimately can arrive at something that works.


Biostep7777's picture

Nope. She agreed to use it but refuses to communicate through OFW. She says she will "only use it for reimbursement purposes" snd continues to use email. She's over the top HC. 

Winterglow's picture

He should still give his responses via OFW even if only to have a trace that the court can access AND to show that he's prepared to do things properly. With a bit of luck, he might even be able to get it court-ordered (and he should ask for it - it would certainly show just how unreasonable her requests are and that she is over the top with the number of messages too) ... Bet she'd love that!

Biostep7777's picture

He is putting them in the journals. Yeah, she agreed to if then said she's only using it for reimbursement. Like.... what? Lol. That doesn't make sense. It's just her being difficult. 

tog redux's picture

BM here did that one summer - sat down with SS, 11 at the time, and asked him what he wanted to do - planned all kinds of fun day trips for the entire summer.  The court saw what she was doing, but did they do anything? Nope. They were in the middle of the divorce and BM wanted to be sure SS would say he wanted to live with her more, so she didn't have to pay child support (here, 50/50 means the higher earner pays full support, and that was her).

She's not going to stop until she gets what she wants. BM here didn't stop until SS refused all visitation, then we had peace.  I don't wish that on your DH, but he should be prepared that's where this is headed.  I had a hard time not reacting to her too, and it made me very stressed and anxious.  I very nearly left DH during those years, but he must have sensed it because he dropped court action just when I thought I could not take one more minute.

I hope your DH is communicating clearly - the example you gave above "I'd rather he do this..." isn't clear.


I do not agree to pay $400 for driver's ed. I will pay $65 for the school program, where he can be with his friends. If you pay $400, I will not reimburse you.


Biostep7777's picture

The messed up part is that she already talked to SS about it and  said "he prefers this class" so if DH says no, of course he's the bad guy again. We don't have $400 right now. She thinks DH is made of money and she's pissed and asked him in discovery for an itemized list of everything he has ever spent on my kids and I. Lol!! Okay crazy lady. Jealous much? 

tog redux's picture

Well, she had a sweet deal and she blames you for DH wanting to change it, rightly or wrongly. 

You guys need to stop worrying about being the "bad guy". DH can tell SS that he alone has to pay for that class and he isn't willing to pay 400 when a 65 dollar option is available. Kids don't get everything they want. 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh I agree but she has set the stage that they DO get everything they want and if they don't? It's dad's fault. She lied to them and told them they aren't going on some Caribbean vacation because dad said no. She never even asked him about it. If there's something she can't do, can't afford ect.. she lies and tells them "dad said no" half the time we don't even know what he's getting blamed for. It's unbelievable. She wants her own kids to be unhappy here and to hate their dad. What kind of a sick, selfish horrible mother would do that? She thinks she's a great mom. Makes me laugh. Putting your selfish wants before your children's very crucial needs is NOT BEING A GOOD MOM. It's being an awful mom. She just will not see it. No matter how many therapist have told her this. ( of course they didn't tell her she's a bad mom but they did tell her what she's doing is hurting the kids. She has fired 4 therapists now because they all told her this and she refuses to help her kids) yeah... good mom. Please! 

tog redux's picture

She will never see it. She will go to her grave thinking she was a good mom, so just expect that.  It's part of their pathology.  She thinks DH is being a bad dad by now refusing to pay for anything and everything, and in her mind, putting you and your kids ahead of his own. She doesn't live in the same world that you do.

DH should sit SS down and say, SS, I pay for all of your activities. Your mom tells you about them before she asks me if I'm willing to pay, and sometimes I can't afford them, so I'll have to say no. I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but I don't have endless money to pay for everything.

Biostep7777's picture

Agreed! But then he will tell mom and she will say "that's because he pays everything for his wife and he kids! Don't worry... mommy and grand mommy will always put YOU first and give you whatever you want" 

PS- he doesn't pay for everything for me and my kids. 

advice.only2's picture

The manipulation ends when DH stops caring about what BM and the kids think and starts doing what he knows is right. There will be blowback of course because he allowed this to go on for way too long and trying to set boundaries now is going to be an uphill battle.

Biostep7777's picture


shellpell's picture

DROP THE ROPE. You can't fight or win against crazy. The kids won't be swayed by reason and truth.

Biostep7777's picture


Thumper's picture

Does anyone know IF Our Family Wizard has the ability to send pictures?

I would screen shot that bs text or email she sent THEN post it on ofw. THEN respond to her crap through there. That way it is on ofw.

Hope that makes sense. IF IF IF the two of them are only suposed to communicate via ofw...then dad needs to stop responding via other areas.